its been a long time.


i am lazy. lazy to update my blog.


not many people will actually take the effort to come and read my blog.

after all, not many people are fond of me.


oh well.


i am currently doing well in Commando.


its a love and hate relationship.


i hate outfields, i hate the armskote, i hate prejumps, i hate exercises, i hate PT.


but when its all over. you just love the enriching feeling you get. its as if you have done something that nobody else have done it in their lifetime, or at least their NS tour.


most likely, i will be going over to the Air force after ATEC. i am still contemplating if i should stay in Commando, or head straight over to Air force. after all, there are still things that are waiting for me to try here in Commando. i am getting used to the lifestyle here. in fact i love what i am doing now. a little more.


have you been in a position when you thought you like a person, and you thought the person felt the same? if you had watched 500 days of summer, you would understand. but perhaps for me, is without sex, dates, and parties. everything else, is about the same.


sometimes when you think you know her, you barely touched the surface. sometimes when she mentions something, you thought, or at least hope she was referring to you. after all, it was 500 days. ok... 498 days for me.

we are supposed to have a jump yesterday. but... due to the strong wind, my sortie did not jump. damn, so much for waking up at 2 in the morning for prejumps...

well, at least i get to be in the sky again.


i don't know why, but i feel very relaxed when i am up in the sky. i feel perfectly fine, its like a drug. i get this "high" when i am in the sky, especially so when the ch-47 pilot does sharp and tight banks, and you can see the whole view of singapore.


so no matter if i jumped or not. at least i was in the sky.

i am back from Taiwan! was in Taiwan for nearly a month since May, for military training if you would like to put it. It was tough, both mentally and physically. our ALICE packs were nearly 30++kg, and we had to walk at least 20km a day, mind you, not only on flat ground, but up the hills and mountains around our training ground. The best thing of all, i got stung by wasps, passed out after 30 mins, and had to spend 3 days in the hospital. the doctor said i was lucky, cos a few more stings, i would not be sitting here in my home typing and updating my blog; rather, i would be in a coffin by now. kinda scary aye? i can still remember the bright light when i first woke up, i thought i was dead... i really thought this was it... and i was asking God, is this it? this is all? this is how i die? far far away from home?

Thank God, i am not dead, close to, but not dead... scared the shit out of my parents...

Am undergoing Airborne course now, really exciting period for me now, especially after the gruelling training in Taiwan, i am a step closer to becoming a Commando. then again, its not all fun, after all, jumping off 1000ft is not a "play-play" kinda thing, you can break your leg, become paralyze and all that crap.

i try not to think about all these crap, try to remain positive, and pray that the Lord will protect me everytime i jump.



This is what you do before you jump, just pray that i will not be jumping like them, into a battlefield.

life is difficult in Commando, The Daily Bread helps to encourage me, at the same time, my friends, family are constantly there to help and encourage me. sometimes, i would think about you, just briefly... its funny how 6 years have passed, and you sometimes just appear in my thoughts...

sometimes i wonder, do i ever cross your mind?

The Airborne Creed

I am an Airborne trooper! A paratrooper!
I jump by parachute from any place in flight.
I volunteered to do it knowing well the hazards of my choice.
I am an elite trooper, a sky trooper, a shock trooper, an elite trooper.
I blaze the way to far-flung goals-behind, before, above the foe's front line.
I never find a fellow trooper I cherish as a sacred trust the lives of the men with whom I serve. Leaders have my fullest loyalty, and those I lead never find me lacking.
I have pride in the Airborne.
I never let it down.
In peace I do not shirk the dullest duty nor protest the toughest training. In battle I fear no foe's ability nor under-estimate his prowess, power and guile.
I fight him with all my might and skill-ever alert to evade capture or escape a trap.
I never surrender though I may be the last. I belong to a proud and glorious team......
the Airborne, the Army, my country.
I am a trooper of the sky!
I am my Nation's best. In peace and war I never fail.
Anywhere, anytime, in anything......
I am Airborne!

Labels: could it be?

its been a long long time since i last blogged. Life in army is great, cos i have really nice bunk mates to hang out with. to say that life in army is easy will be a lie, it is challenging, both mentally and physically. the army had changed my perspective of life. i used to think that army, or NS, is just a waste of time, perhaps i am successfully "psycho-ed", but i believe, this is just something i have to do, to protect our nation i guess.


just Pass out last wed, am having an 11 day break now. i did not do well for my A levels though i passed every subject. i believe i should be grateful that i had gotten such results, at least i did not get straight "U"s again. however, i am stuck in the middle now, got nowhere to go, i cannot enter any courses in the local university. i plan to finish my NS, then enter poly, and aim for the local universities.



for now, i am ok, just the same old me, but i cannot help to think, am i supposed to be happy? worried? remorse? after all, i still feel that i had let everyone down, especially the teachers that had confidence in me. well, life goes on. as for now, i will concentrate on my NS, then we will decide, if i can save enough, i may go overseas... however, it will be difficult i guess...



i kinda miss the days when i am studying, so much freedom, unlike now, just Saturday afternoons and Sunday evenings that i am actually free. i am not complaining, it is just better to be a civilian after all, so gals out there, cherish your time... as for the guys whom are in NS, or going to NS, its JUST TOO BAD, LOL. oh well, this is our responsibility i guess. so, JUST DO IT.



i guess i have grown in NS, no more self pity, i just have to move on, though i may have failed now, i will still face plenty more challenges ahead, i just have to trust in the Lord, pray and move on. just like i did in NS. as for Her, i have moved on, realised just how stupid i was.



life will be tougher in the coming weeks, training will be harder, i would have to push myself even more, to do the best i can, and hopefully, graduate as a Commando.



For honour and Glory.

TMR is the big day. enlisting tmr at 8 am in Hendon camp. butterflies in my stomach, and yet i feel kinda excited. i don't know what to expect. i still have to do it i guess. well...


Kevin went to tekong yesterday, today is Bryan, and its me and Yi bing tmr. well, hope that things will go well for me. well...


went to print some pictures to bring to camp. don't worry. everyone i know has his or her picture with me. so yea... after all, YOU are my friends right? so yea, hope that those picture will be a great support for me when i am inside. lol... yes yes, i know i sound like i am about to die or sth like that... fear not, i am ok... i guess?


well, this week have been a real emotional week for me, family members, Teachers, friends have took sometime off to spend some time with me. i feel really lucky to have you people supporting me all the way.


sometimes, people believe in karma, i believe in fate. no matter how hard you try to run away, things just come back around when you least expected. even if you try to forget, even if you never ever been thinking about it, fate just pats you on the shoulder, says hi to you when you are vulnerable.


maybe i am thinking too much, but... well, fate, you cannot escape this fella...


Commandos...

Labels: confused...

its been a while since i last blogged... i have typed this sentence for quite a bit... well... its been about 3 weeks since i last went out with Chole and my sister. i have been thinking alot...


its just that i feel that there is sth wrong about me. there is something really wrong with me... perhaps its the time spent in boys school?
perhaps its just some undiagnosed psychological problem with me... i don't know why but i just feel so shy in front of another girl, worst, its a friend of mine since what? primary 1... and yet i still feel tense with a girl around... its not that i do not trust her or anything, but i just feel pretty insecure when theres a girl around.


some people say that its because that i lack the confidence in my life about myself. its not about being confident about myself or not... but i am just very concerned about how i portray myself in front of a person of the opposite sex. i have grown up being taught that a guy should be a gentleman, somebody that is unselfish, to treat the opposite sex differently. this is what i live by everyday. but it seems that i honestly feel damn insecure in the presence of a female.


i am not saying that i am becoming gay, nor am i saying that Chloe or other females have done something wrong, but i feel that its unfair for me to be like what i am. take for example yesterday, we are supposed to meet at 1pm at Yishun Mrt, then head to my teachers home to see his newborn son. maybe its just me, maybe this is how i work; function as a person, but i expect to see everyone there at 1pm sharp, then head to our teachers home straight away, plus the fact that the present have already been bought, i expect that we can reach there damn fast, the latest we can even reach our teacher's home at 1.30pm. but lo and behold, some people can come at 1.45++pm and can slowly go shop in cold storage buy drink. we left the yishun interchange at 2pm.


ok, so some people say that it is a norm for girls to be late, ok, some people also say girls like to take their own sweet time, ok, i will accept both. but to be late for more than half an hour, plus the fact to take their own sweet time when their late, does it show that they just could not give a damn about other people? does it show that they could not even give a simple thing such as respect for people whom were waiting for them. plus, never even say hi, like as if some of us are non existent, not even a smile...


i am not saying that i am a person that should deserve respect or anything, neither am i demanding that i should be treated like a king. but as a friend, or to the very least a classmate for 2 years, a simple smile won't kill you right? ok, i take it that we are no longer classmates, and that i am not the "nice" guy, then in the end of the day, i ask myself, why the fuck i even be on time, why the fuck i even bother to dress up. what the fuck is wrong with people today? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GROUP OF GIRLS??????!!!!!!!


have i done sth wrong? ok, i maybe the only person to feel this way, but can't you have respect for yourself? Goodness, sometimes, you cannot blame me for being a pessimist towards females, but when you face such people for 2 years straight and they still remain the same, its just damn freaking sad to know that you are non-existent in their opinion, and that you are not even someone they respect as a person. and yet i try so hard to remember all the things that i have learnt, to be a gentleman... why should i even go to that extend of being such a person when people in the first place don't even respect themselves?


how can i then know what, how, when, who, why am i doing is actually right or wrong? have the world become so insincere with everything? have people become so selfish? that this is it? everyman for himself?


what a joke this shit is, especially when it all boils down to the same group of girls. its difficult for me not to ask myself if every girl out there is like that when you have so many girls behaving like this few girls?


ok, i take into consideration that i am not a very sociable person, and that i am being a difficult person to get along with, but i have seen girls out there whom are way better than them. perhaps its ain't my luck to meet such nice people in my life. well, at least i have some.


in less than a week, i will be in Hendon Camp, to be honest, i am very afraid, i am scared... i don't know what is it like to be a Commando. i am not excited, nor am i happy, i am worried... after all, after leaving SAS, and into a non Christian environment in SRJC, life have been hell... i am hoping that i find peace in Hendon Camp, and that by joining the MCF (military christian fellowship), i would be able to survive NS. and hopefully, i may make it to OCS... oh well... do pray for me... i need it.


went out with my cousin yesterday. talked about many things in life... perhaps we belong to this group of people whom i would like to call the "Rejects". even though we have put in effort, things just don't go the way we want just because we cannot be accepted as what we are. being true to yourself and to the people around you is not an easy thing to do... i guess that is why people wear masks... its a much simpler way to "get away".


well...


this is my life i guess...

Labels: that nothings gonna change?

its been a long time.


i am lazy. lazy to update my blog.


not many people will actually take the effort to come and read my blog.

after all, not many people are fond of me.


oh well.


i am currently doing well in Commando.


its a love and hate relationship.


i hate outfields, i hate the armskote, i hate prejumps, i hate exercises, i hate PT.


but when its all over. you just love the enriching feeling you get. its as if you have done something that nobody else have done it in their lifetime, or at least their NS tour.


most likely, i will be going over to the Air force after ATEC. i am still contemplating if i should stay in Commando, or head straight over to Air force. after all, there are still things that are waiting for me to try here in Commando. i am getting used to the lifestyle here. in fact i love what i am doing now. a little more.


have you been in a position when you thought you like a person, and you thought the person felt the same? if you had watched 500 days of summer, you would understand. but perhaps for me, is without sex, dates, and parties. everything else, is about the same.


sometimes when you think you know her, you barely touched the surface. sometimes when she mentions something, you thought, or at least hope she was referring to you. after all, it was 500 days. ok... 498 days for me.

we are supposed to have a jump yesterday. but... due to the strong wind, my sortie did not jump. damn, so much for waking up at 2 in the morning for prejumps...

well, at least i get to be in the sky again.


i don't know why, but i feel very relaxed when i am up in the sky. i feel perfectly fine, its like a drug. i get this "high" when i am in the sky, especially so when the ch-47 pilot does sharp and tight banks, and you can see the whole view of singapore.


so no matter if i jumped or not. at least i was in the sky.

i am back from Taiwan! was in Taiwan for nearly a month since May, for military training if you would like to put it. It was tough, both mentally and physically. our ALICE packs were nearly 30++kg, and we had to walk at least 20km a day, mind you, not only on flat ground, but up the hills and mountains around our training ground. The best thing of all, i got stung by wasps, passed out after 30 mins, and had to spend 3 days in the hospital. the doctor said i was lucky, cos a few more stings, i would not be sitting here in my home typing and updating my blog; rather, i would be in a coffin by now. kinda scary aye? i can still remember the bright light when i first woke up, i thought i was dead... i really thought this was it... and i was asking God, is this it? this is all? this is how i die? far far away from home?

Thank God, i am not dead, close to, but not dead... scared the shit out of my parents...

Am undergoing Airborne course now, really exciting period for me now, especially after the gruelling training in Taiwan, i am a step closer to becoming a Commando. then again, its not all fun, after all, jumping off 1000ft is not a "play-play" kinda thing, you can break your leg, become paralyze and all that crap.

i try not to think about all these crap, try to remain positive, and pray that the Lord will protect me everytime i jump.



This is what you do before you jump, just pray that i will not be jumping like them, into a battlefield.

life is difficult in Commando, The Daily Bread helps to encourage me, at the same time, my friends, family are constantly there to help and encourage me. sometimes, i would think about you, just briefly... its funny how 6 years have passed, and you sometimes just appear in my thoughts...

sometimes i wonder, do i ever cross your mind?

The Airborne Creed

I am an Airborne trooper! A paratrooper!
I jump by parachute from any place in flight.
I volunteered to do it knowing well the hazards of my choice.
I am an elite trooper, a sky trooper, a shock trooper, an elite trooper.
I blaze the way to far-flung goals-behind, before, above the foe's front line.
I never find a fellow trooper I cherish as a sacred trust the lives of the men with whom I serve. Leaders have my fullest loyalty, and those I lead never find me lacking.
I have pride in the Airborne.
I never let it down.
In peace I do not shirk the dullest duty nor protest the toughest training. In battle I fear no foe's ability nor under-estimate his prowess, power and guile.
I fight him with all my might and skill-ever alert to evade capture or escape a trap.
I never surrender though I may be the last. I belong to a proud and glorious team......
the Airborne, the Army, my country.
I am a trooper of the sky!
I am my Nation's best. In peace and war I never fail.
Anywhere, anytime, in anything......
I am Airborne!

Labels: could it be?

its been a long long time since i last blogged. Life in army is great, cos i have really nice bunk mates to hang out with. to say that life in army is easy will be a lie, it is challenging, both mentally and physically. the army had changed my perspective of life. i used to think that army, or NS, is just a waste of time, perhaps i am successfully "psycho-ed", but i believe, this is just something i have to do, to protect our nation i guess.


just Pass out last wed, am having an 11 day break now. i did not do well for my A levels though i passed every subject. i believe i should be grateful that i had gotten such results, at least i did not get straight "U"s again. however, i am stuck in the middle now, got nowhere to go, i cannot enter any courses in the local university. i plan to finish my NS, then enter poly, and aim for the local universities.



for now, i am ok, just the same old me, but i cannot help to think, am i supposed to be happy? worried? remorse? after all, i still feel that i had let everyone down, especially the teachers that had confidence in me. well, life goes on. as for now, i will concentrate on my NS, then we will decide, if i can save enough, i may go overseas... however, it will be difficult i guess...



i kinda miss the days when i am studying, so much freedom, unlike now, just Saturday afternoons and Sunday evenings that i am actually free. i am not complaining, it is just better to be a civilian after all, so gals out there, cherish your time... as for the guys whom are in NS, or going to NS, its JUST TOO BAD, LOL. oh well, this is our responsibility i guess. so, JUST DO IT.



i guess i have grown in NS, no more self pity, i just have to move on, though i may have failed now, i will still face plenty more challenges ahead, i just have to trust in the Lord, pray and move on. just like i did in NS. as for Her, i have moved on, realised just how stupid i was.



life will be tougher in the coming weeks, training will be harder, i would have to push myself even more, to do the best i can, and hopefully, graduate as a Commando.



For honour and Glory.

TMR is the big day. enlisting tmr at 8 am in Hendon camp. butterflies in my stomach, and yet i feel kinda excited. i don't know what to expect. i still have to do it i guess. well...


Kevin went to tekong yesterday, today is Bryan, and its me and Yi bing tmr. well, hope that things will go well for me. well...


went to print some pictures to bring to camp. don't worry. everyone i know has his or her picture with me. so yea... after all, YOU are my friends right? so yea, hope that those picture will be a great support for me when i am inside. lol... yes yes, i know i sound like i am about to die or sth like that... fear not, i am ok... i guess?


well, this week have been a real emotional week for me, family members, Teachers, friends have took sometime off to spend some time with me. i feel really lucky to have you people supporting me all the way.


sometimes, people believe in karma, i believe in fate. no matter how hard you try to run away, things just come back around when you least expected. even if you try to forget, even if you never ever been thinking about it, fate just pats you on the shoulder, says hi to you when you are vulnerable.


maybe i am thinking too much, but... well, fate, you cannot escape this fella...


Commandos...

Labels: confused...

its been a while since i last blogged... i have typed this sentence for quite a bit... well... its been about 3 weeks since i last went out with Chole and my sister. i have been thinking alot...


its just that i feel that there is sth wrong about me. there is something really wrong with me... perhaps its the time spent in boys school?
perhaps its just some undiagnosed psychological problem with me... i don't know why but i just feel so shy in front of another girl, worst, its a friend of mine since what? primary 1... and yet i still feel tense with a girl around... its not that i do not trust her or anything, but i just feel pretty insecure when theres a girl around.


some people say that its because that i lack the confidence in my life about myself. its not about being confident about myself or not... but i am just very concerned about how i portray myself in front of a person of the opposite sex. i have grown up being taught that a guy should be a gentleman, somebody that is unselfish, to treat the opposite sex differently. this is what i live by everyday. but it seems that i honestly feel damn insecure in the presence of a female.


i am not saying that i am becoming gay, nor am i saying that Chloe or other females have done something wrong, but i feel that its unfair for me to be like what i am. take for example yesterday, we are supposed to meet at 1pm at Yishun Mrt, then head to my teachers home to see his newborn son. maybe its just me, maybe this is how i work; function as a person, but i expect to see everyone there at 1pm sharp, then head to our teachers home straight away, plus the fact that the present have already been bought, i expect that we can reach there damn fast, the latest we can even reach our teacher's home at 1.30pm. but lo and behold, some people can come at 1.45++pm and can slowly go shop in cold storage buy drink. we left the yishun interchange at 2pm.


ok, so some people say that it is a norm for girls to be late, ok, some people also say girls like to take their own sweet time, ok, i will accept both. but to be late for more than half an hour, plus the fact to take their own sweet time when their late, does it show that they just could not give a damn about other people? does it show that they could not even give a simple thing such as respect for people whom were waiting for them. plus, never even say hi, like as if some of us are non existent, not even a smile...


i am not saying that i am a person that should deserve respect or anything, neither am i demanding that i should be treated like a king. but as a friend, or to the very least a classmate for 2 years, a simple smile won't kill you right? ok, i take it that we are no longer classmates, and that i am not the "nice" guy, then in the end of the day, i ask myself, why the fuck i even be on time, why the fuck i even bother to dress up. what the fuck is wrong with people today? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GROUP OF GIRLS??????!!!!!!!


have i done sth wrong? ok, i maybe the only person to feel this way, but can't you have respect for yourself? Goodness, sometimes, you cannot blame me for being a pessimist towards females, but when you face such people for 2 years straight and they still remain the same, its just damn freaking sad to know that you are non-existent in their opinion, and that you are not even someone they respect as a person. and yet i try so hard to remember all the things that i have learnt, to be a gentleman... why should i even go to that extend of being such a person when people in the first place don't even respect themselves?


how can i then know what, how, when, who, why am i doing is actually right or wrong? have the world become so insincere with everything? have people become so selfish? that this is it? everyman for himself?


what a joke this shit is, especially when it all boils down to the same group of girls. its difficult for me not to ask myself if every girl out there is like that when you have so many girls behaving like this few girls?


ok, i take into consideration that i am not a very sociable person, and that i am being a difficult person to get along with, but i have seen girls out there whom are way better than them. perhaps its ain't my luck to meet such nice people in my life. well, at least i have some.


in less than a week, i will be in Hendon Camp, to be honest, i am very afraid, i am scared... i don't know what is it like to be a Commando. i am not excited, nor am i happy, i am worried... after all, after leaving SAS, and into a non Christian environment in SRJC, life have been hell... i am hoping that i find peace in Hendon Camp, and that by joining the MCF (military christian fellowship), i would be able to survive NS. and hopefully, i may make it to OCS... oh well... do pray for me... i need it.


went out with my cousin yesterday. talked about many things in life... perhaps we belong to this group of people whom i would like to call the "Rejects". even though we have put in effort, things just don't go the way we want just because we cannot be accepted as what we are. being true to yourself and to the people around you is not an easy thing to do... i guess that is why people wear masks... its a much simpler way to "get away".


well...


this is my life i guess...

Labels: that nothings gonna change?