kennethlimjunliang

Friday...

2011-02-05T00:34:00.001+08:00

不知道不明了不想要為什麼我的心
明明是想靠近卻孤單到黎明
不知道不明了不想要為什麼我的心
那愛情的綺麗總是在孤單里

wed

2011-01-12T12:22:00.001+08:00

i am a difficult guy to be with.

i understand.

i am sorry for all the things i have done and said to hurt you so much.

i promise i will learn.

and become better.

tuesday

2011-01-11T16:43:00.003+08:00

it was supposed to be a happy day.

watch a movie, then buy birthday present,

then a surprise.

a nice Japanese-french restaurant which i managed to book a reservation 3 months ago.

its for her results and new sch term.

wanna treat her, and thank her for everything and encourage her.

well...

its all my fault.

for being angry.

i am just not good enough to be in a relationship.

they are all right.

i am a burden, and i am not worthy of her.

i am sorry.

saturday

2011-01-08T20:23:00.002+08:00

i got 3 cakes for my 21st!

according to dear, each cake is entitled to 3 wishes,

got 9 wishes this year, the most so far!

i was so touched by timothy and the gang, i nearly cried, they prepared a cake for me, when its supposed to be timothy's birthday!

and with dear accompanying me on Friday, it was great!

just that i feel so guilty that she spend so much money to buy me a crumpler!

and of course, her cake to start the day with!

oh man,

i am so fortunate to have so many friends and loved ones to celebrate my birthday!

thursday

2011-01-06T23:38:00.002+08:00

well, after everything... and talking to dear about stuff, and clearing things out...

i guess i now know that the problem lies with me...

i lack the confidence in myself to believe that i am actually of importance and i have the trust of dear.

well...

its my fault for thinking to much, feeling to insecure, and saying those words, and not controlling my emotions well...

i am sorry. please forgive me?

not only to dear, but to her friends as well...

i guess now many of dear friends kinda hate me now...

anyway...

i must have more confidence in myself, and dear.

after all, its all worth it...

tuesday

2011-01-04T11:16:00.002+08:00

never expected to see Wilson Au there...

he's working there as a recruiter!

lol, he sure looks smart with his suit and everything on.

been thinking, about the conversations with lq lately,

its hard for me to have confidence in myself.

i see how other people can have so much confidence in themselves...

and i look at myself...

well...

monday

2011-01-03T22:53:00.002+08:00

tomorrow will be my interview for job...

kinda nervous...

i had enough of staying at home all the time...

wasting my life away.

well...

hopefully everything goes well tomorrow,

and i can get a job as well.

well...

wednesday

2010-12-22T20:41:00.001+08:00

I love the way you look at me,
Your eyes so bright and full.
I love the way you kiss me,
Your lips so soft and smooth.

I love the way you make me so happy,
And the ways you show you care.
I love the way you say, "I Love You,"
And the way you're always there.

I love the way you touch me,
Always sending chills down my spine.
I love that you are with me,
And glad that you are mine.

tuesday

2010-12-21T18:01:00.003+08:00

after speaking to lq

and thinking about it

i feel better now

forgive and forget...

afterall, its worth it...

:)

sunday

2010-12-19T21:56:00.004+08:00

hai...

well

its not easy loving somebody

nobody said it was...

as angry as i was yesterday, i am over with it already...

haiyo...

love you dear :)

friday

2010-12-18T00:32:00.002+08:00

all i wanted was to talk,

why?

i am not as good as i thought i would be...

in fact, i am useless...

everything that i do is just nonsense and irritation.

perhaps they were right, i am a jinx...

Tuesday

2010-11-23T13:18:00.003+08:00

well, i am leaving today...

its my first time, in many ways...

first time i am going overseas as a NSmen,

its my first time overseas as a instructor...

is my first time leaving my first gf behind...

its the first time i am actually feeling like this...

like theres one more thing i am leaving behind...

lol... my dear...

we have been through quite a load of hurdles right?

but we still stuck to each other... LOL!

how am i going to be used to not having you around?

somebody whom will be there to disturb me, tickle me, talk to me, and most importantly, somebody to love me, the way you do?

when i am not around, take care of yourself ok? at the same time, study hard, don't think about me too much (ahahahaha!) have sufficient sleep, eat properly, and when you run, dont push yourself too much!

when you are stressed, troubled, worried, look at our sketchbook, pictures, and know that i will be praying for you too.

now i know why you wanna have a room all by yourself so much. i will work hard, save up money for the future, so you will have a comfortable life next time.

don't have to worry too much about me, i will take care of myself...

wait for me to come back with all your snacks for you and your family ok?

i love you dear. so much, it hurts to leave.

"muack"

sunday

2010-11-14T21:23:00.003+08:00

my dear girlfriend...

you are so adorable, you light up my day, you are always so cute in your own ways, you are such an understanding partner, you are patient with me, you were there when i was in my darkest hour.

your smile takes away all my fears and worries, your touch makes me weak...

i feel so happy when i am with you, you make me fall in love all over again... every time...

you are so simple in every way...

most importantly, you love me in your own way...

even though we had our quarrels, we cant bare to hold grudges against each other, and we talk it out...

i can finally understand what love is all about now...

you make me wanna be a better person, and love you even more!

can we be like this, or even better than this forever? haha!

i love you!

monday

2010-11-08T21:17:00.002+08:00

i am confused... i am tired... i have not been sleeping since yesterday...

i am scared, i am confused, i am frustrated, i am angry, and i feel so useless...

i don't know what i am feeling like this...

all of a sudden, things seems to be repeating itself all over again...

i know i should not be thinking or feeling like this...

but i am scared... i don't know why...

i tried my best to be there... and yet... i was told...

its difficult... i know... i am willing to accept things like this...

but, can i?

friday

2010-11-05T12:41:00.003+08:00

i had the sweetest day of my life so far yesterday...

it was spent with dear...

its been 3 months already... and i still feel so much in love with her!

we have been through a couple of hurdles, and yet, we are still together, its nice to know that.

i am so happy that she came for my ORD parade...

and the "thing" she made for me!!!!

i must take a look at it every time i wake up...

haha! now i am worried if my present for her bday is good enough...

well...

you definitely made me the happiest man on earth now...

sunday

2010-10-31T12:30:00.003+08:00

i have been trying too hard to be somebody that i THOUGHT dear will like and love.

its been so hard on me, and even us because i have failed to realized that she loves me for who i am, instead of what i will become.

most importantly, i must love her the way i do! not by other people's standards...

i owe it to dear for always being so patient and loving to her blur block boyfriend.

so sorry that i have caused you so much nonsense...

thank you for being there for me!

no more negative thoughts, and i have to be more confident in myself. much much more.

please continue to be patient dear... i am still learning, and i will change for the better!

rest assured, this is not an excuse.

hope to see what you had prepared for me on wed!!!!

sunday

2010-10-24T20:37:00.003+08:00

what a day... spent the whole day out, helping mom and dad do stuff...

well, went to Kpop night with dear and her bro, i had the best time during that night, got to see SNSD and Taeyang... at the same time spend time with dear... brilliant!

well, going to see dear again tmr, so excited!

theres something about dear i can't describe... she is like the girl from the movie " my sassy girl " HAHA!

well, she makes me love her even more! damn it! HAHAHAHA!

i have learned tons from this relationship, i got to have more confidence in myself, and learn to trust more, and not be over sensitive... well, at least dear wants me to just follow my feelings i guess.

sometimes, its like Airborne, just jump, and everything will take care of itself.

thursday

2010-10-22T00:53:00.001+08:00

i love her so much!

wed...

2010-10-20T22:29:00.003+08:00

after time passes by, perhaps what counts are companionship, a best friend, somebody to talk to, somebody who understands, and most importantly, the person you loved in the first place...

feelings never die off unless you think it does... because, its the smallest things that make the whole reason why you love somebody...

if love is only just a feeling, i would be hungover by now...

love is a commitment, its more than a warm fuzzy feeling...

nobody said it was easy, and it would be happy all the time...

monday

2010-10-18T17:03:00.002+08:00

there are times when things go well for some, and not right with others...

i am worried about ORD...

no more cash, need to start working... otherwise how to go out with dear?

i want to make this work out for the both of us...

i am going to promise myself to commit all the way...

it is so unfair to her if i continue to hold back...

i am going to have confidence in us...

and more confidence in myself...

ilyll...

thursday

2010-10-07T18:29:00.002+08:00

i got to see dear's mom on Tuesday!!!

OMG!!!

i was really scared... afraid that i would not give a good impression...

from dear's pictures, i always thought that her mum would be a pretty fierce person...

to my surprise, she is one real cheerful person! hahaha! too bad she was serving a customer, otherwise could have spent more time talking to her...

i am really thankful for dear to be there for me... when i need someone to be there for me... and listen to all my nonsense...

well...

i am looking forward to nights out with the boys again! its been so long since i last saw them!

looking back... my NS life is coming to an end... pretty fast if you ask me, never thought that i would come to this day where i clear all my barang barang, when the bunk smells OK, and the corridor without dirty equipments...

everything happened so fast, i wonder if i did my best in commando. looking back, there are times when i could have done my best... but did not...

well...

all i want is to be a good brother, a good son, a good bf, and a good friend... i wonder if i did achieve this in this short 2 years...

:) mymmd...

Friday

2010-10-01T21:48:00.002+08:00

today, was a really special day.

went out with dear's good friends today.

i was really nervous, to be honest, i was really scared shitless...

i am afraid that i would look stupid in front of ther friends, and you know, first impression lasts...

it went well i think, cos i had a really great time with crazy girls! haha! man, so nice to have really close friends for so long, i wish i had long time friends like dear...

i am quite worried now, about 1 more month till i ORD... after that, gotta find jobs, so support myself, and pay for uni fees... hai... how?

well... one step at a time...

love you... :)

wed

2010-09-29T15:05:00.002+08:00

everyday i learn new things

and one thing i learned yesterday was the word "embrace"

i am so touched that dear said what she said yesterday...

LOL!

cried a little, and was too happy to sleep...

i am gonna miss all the people in AGC...

well, back to battalion, hopefully my buddies are still the same, cos i really miss them too...

i am really falling in love with dear...

;)

Sunday

2010-09-19T11:31:00.003+08:00

I thank God every night before I sleep...

Cos I myself know that I am lucky to have a girlfriend like dear...

Gotta appreciate these relationship! And not take it for granted.

Fighting!

Another week has passed... Was actually very worried about post- ns life

like what to study, where etc...

Then thanks to dear, I feel better now... At least not only my parents supports me, even my gf also

just don't wanna let anyone down again...

A step at a time...

sunday

2010-09-12T22:10:00.002+08:00

well, been slacking until today...

did nth much, spent time with mom, sis and bro...

went out with dear on Friday

i must say, i have to be more confident in myself...

i am super proud that dear is my gf...

but i still feel, i need more confidence... trust in myself...

quit being so negative...

well...

my face hurts now...

the cream and medicine that the doctor gave for my skin, hurts...

hope it does make my skin condition better...

a little sacrifice... hope it helps...

have to be better, for our relationship, i know i can be better...

FIGHTING!!!

imytmd...

friday

2010-09-11T00:07:00.002+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

i am so happy today...

cos dear said something to me...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

can't sleep already...

gosh...

every time i go out with her, i find out more about her,

and i just love her even more!

many guys looked at me with jealous eyes today...

they think dear is way off my league!

HAHA!

gotta cherish this relationship...

and make it work!

still, i have to put in more effort!

going to take up economics in SIM... hopefully i get in...

i still got a long long way to go...

have to work hard!

man... i am crazy, head over heels for dear right now...

i hope i fit more into her criteria...

thursday

2010-09-09T21:00:00.002+08:00

went out with mom today...

feels like a long time since we last went out and had a good talk.

thank God i am close to mom...

talked about me and dear...

i can understand why dear felt like she did yesterday.

i have to be strong, positive...

she has her doubts, its only fair that we feel emotions like that

but, to continue with our relationship, i have to give her the confidence that i know what i am doing.

at least, now i really know she cares about me...

HA! actually damn happy...

lets take it a step at a time dear...

wednesday

2010-09-08T22:24:00.002+08:00

today, dear asked why am i so sure she is the one...

i told her she is...

she wanted to say sth, but she can't say it...

now i am really confused...

i will have to continue to guess...

i need to be strong,be confident, have trust, be truthful,be honest, and have faith...

am i doing the right thing?

help?

tuesday

2010-09-07T23:59:00.003+08:00

kenneth, must have more confidence in yourself...

have more faith, more trust in yourself....

stop being so negative...

tmr meeting dear in school...

dont know what to expect...

hopefully, i do look good tmr...

now gotta think of what to wear tmr...

lol!

i still thinking...

should i get the headphones, or a standard strat?

i have found happiness

now, i need to achieve success...

monday

2010-09-06T22:28:00.003+08:00

today, one of my friends was folding hearts and roses for his Ex...

he says he regrets his actions, of not being able to return the love he has for his girl...

now he's regretting it, and tries to make up for it...

too late?

i will never wanna be in that state...

gotta be strong, positive, truthful and faithful to dear

so she can have the confidence in me...

Would you want me when i'm not myself?

Sunday

2010-09-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

ok... I actually wanted to change the picture of the headphone I wanted to get, ended up deleting the whole post...

Keeps things short...

I miss dear now... Last Friday was an experience... Really happy that she likes it!

Just hope that I did not stress her too much... Hope she enjoys it, cos it was really nothing...

Lol! Just wanna tell you... It's ok! Aiyo!

I am glad that dear has friends that really cares... Don't worry, I am no longer an over-pocessive freak... (hope I spelled it correctly)

no worries... I have matured... And I will still listen to my mistakes, and change...

I feel good about us... But i still have to put in more faith in myself and dear.

And... Our greetings and good-byes needs loads of inprovements... I am still not used to calling her "dear"

well... I must try...

Still feel guity that I had said those things to her... Even though she says she is no longer angry...

Still...

Hai...

Looking forward to the Korean pop concert with dear! Oh yea!

Iasmytd....

saturday

2010-08-28T15:14:00.002+08:00

went out yesterday with my/mine girlfriend...

super nervous, suddenly, the girl i used to go out with as a friend, has suddenly became my girlfriend... gosh, i can think straight... can even walk straight...

she was really pretty yesterday... i must say, quite beautiful, and some might say, pretty sexy...
haha! i think i wore a little to simple yesterday... felt quite bad...

my heart was beating super fast, when she comes close... gosh, really really cannot think properly, i am so afraid i might say or do the wrong thing, scared i might offend her, or even make her pissed off...

everything started, and past as soon as i can remember... took the train home, i reflected back on the day...

i was happy... like really happy... suddenly, theres more than just my boring mundane lifestyle... its different, from the love you get from your parents... suddenly, theres this special someone, there whom, likes you for who you are...

especially so when this person is a girl, that you have feelings for... she like you for who you are, and she means what she says...

i wish, everyday would be like that...

i still find it hard to say things to her... keep hiding it inside... dont know if she feels the same, i guess, when you are sort of hurt from the previous relationship, you tend to save some emotions, to sort of "protect, cushion" yourself if things might go wrong...

but, i feel really confident... this is it man... i want this girl...

okok, back to more serious stuff... need to start running, go back in shape, ensure that i ORD as a commando, so that my family and gf can see me in no.1 ! HAHA!

p.s. if you ever touch my gf again, i will really come and hunt you down... i will, I WILL make sure you break a bone... YES I AM DAMN BLOODY JEALOUS! AND I AM TOTALLY NOT COOL WITH YOU HAVING SUCH PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH HER.

sunday

2010-08-22T10:39:00.000+08:00

i am going back to singapore....

dont know what to expect now... gotta work hard on fitness again, so that at least, i still can ORD as a commando...

been thinking alot these days, been wondering about what kind of person i am to others...

especially towards my girlfriend...

just feel that i have not been doing enough as a boyfriend.

at least i feel, that she is doing so much for me, and even though i have been trying very hard, it seems that i still not doing enough...

need help man...

even though i try to write down things to say even before i call her...

theres always this "slient" period... where both of us say nothing...

sometimes the conversation will move towards a time where, if i continue to say the things i wanna say, i guess it will really bore her to death...

hai... how?

i guess i will have to keep trying and putting in more effort...

but then, that day, webcam went great!

i guess i really have to look at her then suddenly, i can really talk like normal...

i also dont know why i am thinking so much... but i really appreciate her, and i just want to give back more...

i get really scared when she becomes bored and starts to tell me that i am not responding...

its not that i dont want to talk to her, and not that i am distracted... but i just dont want to trouble her with my problems...

i need to be more confident...

i miss my family... especially my brother and sister...

as well as 6th coy...

hopefully, i can go back, and return to my friends!

this is what happens when you are single for so long... you suddenly have to take away the ignorance you been living for 20 years, then spend more effort, energy and thought to the relationship...

i am learning everyday, and i am damn happy that she makes me realise how much more i can and have to improve myself.(doubt she even knows...)

especially the way i treat others, my family...

well... thank you girlfriend... AJ, and LQ for their support!

monday

2010-08-16T16:35:00.003+08:00

bad day... did not do well for my flight today... i am so disappointed with myself... i dont even wanna talk about it...

i just wanna do better tomorrow...

then again, this opportunity is in my face, but i still am not doing enough to make full use of it...

i dont know what i should do now...

am i stressing myself too much?

am i doing enough?

damn it...

i dont want to disappoint all you people whom were always there to support me...

damn it...

sunday

2010-08-15T09:03:00.002+08:00

wed will be my D day... test day...

feel quite stressed out... gotta pray more and trust more... at the same time, gotta brush up my checks and flying to tip top condition...

thank god for my girlfriend! always supporting me and showing me understanding... lol... i will do my best for everyone.

then again... puting her aside, i think i am going to feel quite bad... lol... afterall I WANT TO PASS!!!! AND I WANT TO TALK TO HER!!!!!!

shes so cute when she wakes up...

oh well...

someone said that my girlfriend is hot lei! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

okok... back to the books...

Sunday

2010-08-08T08:30:00.002+08:00

what a week...

flew for 4 times last week... crazy time... wake up in the morning at 6... Singapore time 4 am... go to the classroom... wait for flight... with luxury of time, we still can chill... otherwise, its crunch time... after flight... back to the classroom... mental fly... lunch would usually be sandwiches...

i must say Tamworth is a really beautiful place... its really funny, to say that i am training in the same place where i landed... HA! i am serious, i am using the same airfield where i arrived from Sydney... lol... the scenery up in the sky... the weather, the plane... oh man... this is the life i want... and i am living it right now...

i am so blessed right now, i don't feel deserving at all... i am really humbled with this opportunity... and i dont want to fail... i want this so much... so damn much... and now i am finally here... this is it...

and...

for me to here, far away from home... and yet, theres still her back there willing to wait for me... willing to listen to me splatter all the nonsense, willing to care, think and even feel such strong emotions for me... theres nothing more i can ask...

ha...

i dont really know why, maybe cos she my first... maybe cos this is the first time... but i feel like i have butterflies in my stomach everyday... i think about her, i look at things differently, i constantly ask myself how can i be a better person, how to be someone whom she will not regret giving her heart to... ha... to be honest... i am feeling damn stress...

i dont know why, but yea, perhaps i am one emotional bastard, but perhaps, maybe its time to take myself seriously... never gave myself the opportunity before, this is the time i should grow up, and move...

lol...

as i am typing this post... i am already missing her... damn it...

i guess its official... no wait... its official...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

i am really sacred too... i am really afraid that i would stress her out too much... i mean, she is such a nice person, too good to be true, and i just want to see her happy...

my parents dont even know about it... lol... i doubt hers also... i guess this is what you call going rouge... LOL!

i guess, as for now... 4 days...

i gotta respect her decisions, i have to give her personal space, i have to be there when she needs me, i gotta communicate with her, i have to be honest, i have to be open, and i have to be sincere and support her... and so many more...

heavy words if you are asking me...

you know, i always thought it would be easy... but no... lol... such words carry so much weight, too much , too little, gotta find a balance...

at the same time, i don't want her to know that i am doing all these... cos she will be so stressed out... i want her to just... be herself... cos that's what i really like about her...

simple... and blur... lol...

i guess one thing i've learnt from so many people, especially from my parents... its the amount of effort one puts into something... its shows how much you cherish it, how much you want it, and it reflects on your attitude...

i am not perfect also... but i can always try...

i just dont want to make her suffer what i experienced... to actually believed in something so much, and when it backfired... too much to handle...

i have to change the way i talk to people... especially with her... cos i think dad had really gave me some negative traits... lol... we are too quiet when it comes to being honest and saying those 3 words...

you see... dad is a guy, whom is just too cold sometimes... i know he really really loves my mom, but he just finds it hard to say it... he believes that by his actions, mom will understand... and to make things worst... dad is not spontaneous enough, and he doesnt think before he speaks...

AND I AM LIKE HIM...

lol, i dont hate my dad ok... its just that... he refuses to change... and its quite irritating...LOL!

i guess now you know why i am so stressed right?

my mom once told me, i should not be thinking how good my gf can be... but how good i can be, as a bf not only for her, but for her family... and how is she going to know how much i feel about her when i dont be honest to myself and say the right things?

it happened 2 days ago... even though my heart was beating... i could not say anything... it was so awkward... i dont know why... and i hate it... cos she would be wondering if i am actually being serious...

i have to be spontaneous, and i have to work on it... especially my tone... i need to improve...

and... trust...

i have to trust myself that i can allow her to trust me right?

lol...

why am i being so serious about myself lately? is this me? HAHA!

oh well...

i am thinking what to get for her...

whats nice for a girl?

ear rings? hairbands? bags?

i dont know....

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

why are you still sleeping!!!! WAKE UP AND TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HA...

i am going nuts...

Thursday

2010-07-22T21:40:00.002+08:00

i feel so damn lonely today... totally need someone to talk to badly... i think i am stressing myself up too much... feel quite pressured and i need to chill... seriously need to chill...

took a break at AFTC today, did nothing, just chilled... but still came back and hit the notes and videos... i don't know why i did that, i just did...

i just wanna do well for AGC... don't wanna let all the people down... i came so far for it, now it all depends if i could do it...

trying my best not to think too much... perhaps i am just freaking myself up...

Will be meeting loh and the rest of the guys tmr, i know i will have a good time tmr...

i sometimes wonder, whats going on in your mind...

they say... have confidence in yourself... but i can't bring myself to do that...

i need answers... but they ain't coming to me...

Sunday

2010-07-18T20:52:00.002+08:00

wonder who in the world will happen to read this post... this blog is officially rusty... blogging used to be a way for me to say all the nonsense that happened to me... found it super emo, full of past mistakes, and well... crap... seems like after each day, we become, and change into another person, and now that you look back, you realise just how stupid you actually were.

i am leaving overseas, for Tamworth to be exact... for air grading... nervous? yes. confident? no.

i still feel like this is some dream, i myself can't believe that i am here right now...

so soon... i do miss my friends back at battalion... at the same time, i desperately want this...

well...

what else do you want me to say?

thats all folks...

COS

2010-01-30T16:59:00.003+08:00

its been a long time.

i am lazy. lazy to update my blog.

not many people will actually take the effort to come and read my blog.

after all, not many people are fond of me.

oh well.

i am currently doing well in Commando.

its a love and hate relationship.

i hate outfields, i hate the armskote, i hate prejumps, i hate exercises, i hate PT.

but when its all over. you just love the enriching feeling you get. its as if you have done something that nobody else have done it in their lifetime, or at least their NS tour.

most likely, i will be going over to the Air force after ATEC. i am still contemplating if i should stay in Commando, or head straight over to Air force. after all, there are still things that are waiting for me to try here in Commando. i am getting used to the lifestyle here. in fact i love what i am doing now. a little more.

have you been in a position when you thought you like a person, and you thought the person felt the same? if you had watched 500 days of summer, you would understand. but perhaps for me, is without sex, dates, and parties. everything else, is about the same.

sometimes when you think you know her, you barely touched the surface. sometimes when she mentions something, you thought, or at least hope she was referring to you. after all, it was 500 days. ok... 498 days for me.

we are supposed to have a jump yesterday. but... due to the strong wind, my sortie did not jump. damn, so much for waking up at 2 in the morning for prejumps...

well, at least i get to be in the sky again.

i don't know why, but i feel very relaxed when i am up in the sky. i feel perfectly fine, its like a drug. i get this "high" when i am in the sky, especially so when the ch-47 pilot does sharp and tight banks, and you can see the whole view of singapore.

so no matter if i jumped or not. at least i was in the sky.

Saturday 10:55

2009-06-13T22:54:00.003+08:00

i am back from Taiwan! was in Taiwan for nearly a month since May, for military training if you would like to put it. It was tough, both mentally and physically. our ALICE packs were nearly 30++kg, and we had to walk at least 20km a day, mind you, not only on flat ground, but up the hills and mountains around our training ground. The best thing of all, i got stung by wasps, passed out after 30 mins, and had to spend 3 days in the hospital. the doctor said i was lucky, cos a few more stings, i would not be sitting here in my home typing and updating my blog; rather, i would be in a coffin by now. kinda scary aye? i can still remember the bright light when i first woke up, i thought i was dead... i really thought this was it... and i was asking God, is this it? this is all? this is how i die? far far away from home?

Thank God, i am not dead, close to, but not dead... scared the shit out of my parents...

Am undergoing Airborne course now, really exciting period for me now, especially after the gruelling training in Taiwan, i am a step closer to becoming a Commando. then again, its not all fun, after all, jumping off 1000ft is not a "play-play" kinda thing, you can break your leg, become paralyze and all that crap.

i try not to think about all these crap, try to remain positive, and pray that the Lord will protect me everytime i jump.

This is what you do before you jump, just pray that i will not be jumping like them, into a battlefield.

life is difficult in Commando, The Daily Bread helps to encourage me, at the same time, my friends, family are constantly there to help and encourage me. sometimes, i would think about you, just briefly... its funny how 6 years have passed, and you sometimes just appear in my thoughts...

sometimes i wonder, do i ever cross your mind?

The Airborne Creed

I am an Airborne trooper! A paratrooper!
I jump by parachute from any place in flight.
I volunteered to do it knowing well the hazards of my choice.
I am an elite trooper, a sky trooper, a shock trooper, an elite trooper.
I blaze the way to far-flung goals-behind, before, above the foe's front line.
I never find a fellow trooper I cherish as a sacred trust the lives of the men with whom I serve. Leaders have my fullest loyalty, and those I lead never find me lacking.
I have pride in the Airborne.
I never let it down.
In peace I do not shirk the dullest duty nor protest the toughest training. In battle I fear no foe's ability nor under-estimate his prowess, power and guile.
I fight him with all my might and skill-ever alert to evade capture or escape a trap.
I never surrender though I may be the last. I belong to a proud and glorious team......
the Airborne, the Army, my country.
I am a trooper of the sky!
I am my Nation's best. In peace and war I never fail.
Anywhere, anytime, in anything......
I am Airborne!

Monday

2009-03-16T13:36:00.003+08:00

its been a long long time since i last blogged. Life in army is great, cos i have really nice bunk mates to hang out with. to say that life in army is easy will be a lie, it is challenging, both mentally and physically. the army had changed my perspective of life. i used to think that army, or NS, is just a waste of time, perhaps i am successfully "psycho-ed", but i believe, this is just something i have to do, to protect our nation i guess.

just Pass out last wed, am having an 11 day break now. i did not do well for my A levels though i passed every subject. i believe i should be grateful that i had gotten such results, at least i did not get straight "U"s again. however, i am stuck in the middle now, got nowhere to go, i cannot enter any courses in the local university. i plan to finish my NS, then enter poly, and aim for the local universities.

for now, i am ok, just the same old me, but i cannot help to think, am i supposed to be happy? worried? remorse? after all, i still feel that i had let everyone down, especially the teachers that had confidence in me. well, life goes on. as for now, i will concentrate on my NS, then we will decide, if i can save enough, i may go overseas... however, it will be difficult i guess...

i kinda miss the days when i am studying, so much freedom, unlike now, just Saturday afternoons and Sunday evenings that i am actually free. i am not complaining, it is just better to be a civilian after all, so gals out there, cherish your time... as for the guys whom are in NS, or going to NS, its JUST TOO BAD, LOL. oh well, this is our responsibility i guess. so, JUST DO IT.

i guess i have grown in NS, no more self pity, i just have to move on, though i may have failed now, i will still face plenty more challenges ahead, i just have to trust in the Lord, pray and move on. just like i did in NS. as for Her, i have moved on, realised just how stupid i was.

life will be tougher in the coming weeks, training will be harder, i would have to push myself even more, to do the best i can, and hopefully, graduate as a Commando.

For honour and Glory.

thursday

2009-01-08T18:47:00.003+08:00

TMR is the big day. enlisting tmr at 8 am in Hendon camp. butterflies in my stomach, and yet i feel kinda excited. i don't know what to expect. i still have to do it i guess. well...

Kevin went to tekong yesterday, today is Bryan, and its me and Yi bing tmr. well, hope that things will go well for me. well...

went to print some pictures to bring to camp. don't worry. everyone i know has his or her picture with me. so yea... after all, YOU are my friends right? so yea, hope that those picture will be a great support for me when i am inside. lol... yes yes, i know i sound like i am about to die or sth like that... fear not, i am ok... i guess?

well, this week have been a real emotional week for me, family members, Teachers, friends have took sometime off to spend some time with me. i feel really lucky to have you people supporting me all the way.

sometimes, people believe in karma, i believe in fate. no matter how hard you try to run away, things just come back around when you least expected. even if you try to forget, even if you never ever been thinking about it, fate just pats you on the shoulder, says hi to you when you are vulnerable.

maybe i am thinking too much, but... well, fate, you cannot escape this fella...

Commandos...

Tuesday

2008-12-30T15:37:00.003+08:00

its been a while since i last blogged... i have typed this sentence for quite a bit... well... its been about 3 weeks since i last went out with Chole and my sister. i have been thinking alot...

its just that i feel that there is sth wrong about me. there is something really wrong with me... perhaps its the time spent in boys school?
perhaps its just some undiagnosed psychological problem with me... i don't know why but i just feel so shy in front of another girl, worst, its a friend of mine since what? primary 1... and yet i still feel tense with a girl around... its not that i do not trust her or anything, but i just feel pretty insecure when theres a girl around.

some people say that its because that i lack the confidence in my life about myself. its not about being confident about myself or not... but i am just very concerned about how i portray myself in front of a person of the opposite sex. i have grown up being taught that a guy should be a gentleman, somebody that is unselfish, to treat the opposite sex differently. this is what i live by everyday. but it seems that i honestly feel damn insecure in the presence of a female.

i am not saying that i am becoming gay, nor am i saying that Chloe or other females have done something wrong, but i feel that its unfair for me to be like what i am. take for example yesterday, we are supposed to meet at 1pm at Yishun Mrt, then head to my teachers home to see his newborn son. maybe its just me, maybe this is how i work; function as a person, but i expect to see everyone there at 1pm sharp, then head to our teachers home straight away, plus the fact that the present have already been bought, i expect that we can reach there damn fast, the latest we can even reach our teacher's home at 1.30pm. but lo and behold, some people can come at 1.45++pm and can slowly go shop in cold storage buy drink. we left the yishun interchange at 2pm.

ok, so some people say that it is a norm for girls to be late, ok, some people also say girls like to take their own sweet time, ok, i will accept both. but to be late for more than half an hour, plus the fact to take their own sweet time when their late, does it show that they just could not give a damn about other people? does it show that they could not even give a simple thing such as respect for people whom were waiting for them. plus, never even say hi, like as if some of us are non existent, not even a smile...

i am not saying that i am a person that should deserve respect or anything, neither am i demanding that i should be treated like a king. but as a friend, or to the very least a classmate for 2 years, a simple smile won't kill you right? ok, i take it that we are no longer classmates, and that i am not the "nice" guy, then in the end of the day, i ask myself, why the fuck i even be on time, why the fuck i even bother to dress up. what the fuck is wrong with people today? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GROUP OF GIRLS??????!!!!!!!

have i done sth wrong? ok, i maybe the only person to feel this way, but can't you have respect for yourself? Goodness, sometimes, you cannot blame me for being a pessimist towards females, but when you face such people for 2 years straight and they still remain the same, its just damn freaking sad to know that you are non-existent in their opinion, and that you are not even someone they respect as a person. and yet i try so hard to remember all the things that i have learnt, to be a gentleman... why should i even go to that extend of being such a person when people in the first place don't even respect themselves?

how can i then know what, how, when, who, why am i doing is actually right or wrong? have the world become so insincere with everything? have people become so selfish? that this is it? everyman for himself?

what a joke this shit is, especially when it all boils down to the same group of girls. its difficult for me not to ask myself if every girl out there is like that when you have so many girls behaving like this few girls?

ok, i take into consideration that i am not a very sociable person, and that i am being a difficult person to get along with, but i have seen girls out there whom are way better than them. perhaps its ain't my luck to meet such nice people in my life. well, at least i have some.

in less than a week, i will be in Hendon Camp, to be honest, i am very afraid, i am scared... i don't know what is it like to be a Commando. i am not excited, nor am i happy, i am worried... after all, after leaving SAS, and into a non Christian environment in SRJC, life have been hell... i am hoping that i find peace in Hendon Camp, and that by joining the MCF (military christian fellowship), i would be able to survive NS. and hopefully, i may make it to OCS... oh well... do pray for me... i need it.

went out with my cousin yesterday. talked about many things in life... perhaps we belong to this group of people whom i would like to call the "Rejects". even though we have put in effort, things just don't go the way we want just because we cannot be accepted as what we are. being true to yourself and to the people around you is not an easy thing to do... i guess that is why people wear masks... its a much simpler way to "get away".

well...

this is my life i guess...

friday

2008-12-12T09:46:00.004+08:00

went out with my secondary class mates last week. they were Abel, David, Raman, Timonthy, Kevin, Bean. lol... its been 2 years since i last met some of these guys... they did not change, still the same old folks back in SA. we went for lunch at some restaurant on the 5th level of the Cathay near plaza singapura... the food rocks there... as usual, we were the loudest there, everyone was looking at us as we swear (unknowingly) and laughed our asses till everyone had stomach cramp... went for a short Lan session and we headed home...

friends, they come and go, but some friends, still remain YOUR friends... just like Lin Qiang...

why do i say that?

was logging in to blog, when i saw this tag in the front page, its says in bright green "1 FOLLOWER"

apparently, this person have been reading up on this blog... LOL... suddenly felt as if Lin Qiang is a stalker... something which i find is his innate nature... lol

and, congrats for your stand-chard timing bro!

been pretty busy these few days, am helping mom prepare cookies for some church event... gotta shop for ingredients to make 2500 cookies for the Dover people opposite my church... can you imagine? 2500 cookies... lol... its the same cookie that i made for some of you people out there during valetine's day... but that was only about 250 cookies... and i already took 3 hours... can you imagine 10 times the work? God save me... lol

receieved an sms from Joshua Fu yesterday, asking me to join him for work... lol, i wanted to, its was pretty reasonable money, but i am enlisted on the 9th of Jan... i feel like an asshole staying at home... i should be out there working... taking off some load from my dad... though they say i am helping them by doing housework for mom, but i still feel i need to contribute financially... afterall, dad's got a pay cut by 30%... hell, i may need to pay for my sibling's tuition fees... there goes my xbox 360, my Ipod, my Liverpool jersey... well...

i wanna go to town to do some window shopping... like sort of soak up in the "Christmas Atmosphere" anyone wanna join me? most probably during the christmas week...

btw, theres this girl working in taka, she's in the gift wrapping section... SHE IS A BEAUTY... lol... sry sry... just got pretty excited...

monday

2008-12-01T22:59:00.004+08:00

went out with the guys last week... seems like everyone changed except me... too bad not everyone was there... we talked alot, joked, ate, and slacked... i keep on telling them how important these guys are to me... but i guess words cannot express how i i owe them... after all these guys were there for me when i needed them most... these are the guys that i have learnt to trust, and to trust them totally... its gay, but i simply love them... after all, the 4 years spent with them are the most memorable time of my life, when life was actually good... we are gonna meet again for bbq, i can' wait...

yes yes, i have put on some weight... darn

happy birthday again Han Rong!!! lol... i had a great time at han rong's birthday... lol, i volunteered to BBQ for him with lin qiang... i went home smelling like roasted pork... lol... i had a great time, met many new people... ESPECIALLY girls... lol... to be honest, i was pretty shy when some of them talked to me... but most of the girls were "stolen" by lin qiang and lennon... lennon was so cool, all the girls was approaching him... lol... i had a great time myself... i laughed alot, made a fool of myself... breathed in gallons of soot... ha...

something caught my attention... something which i thought i had successfully forgotten... apparently many other people knew about my "secret", or so i thought... i was barbecuing when yihua mentioned her name... i was totally shocked...

i don't really know how to react to that... to think about it... when others know... it becomes pretty scary... it was quite embarrassing too, and i don't know why, but its just felt pretty uncomfortable... like i don't want it to be mentioned again... honestly, i don't know why i reacted like that...

the bus ride home after lin qiang alighted was filled with thoughts... i was really thinking hard why did i felt that way, after all, nothing happened between us... was i thinking too much? my head is constantly thinking about her, about how i felt...

after these few days, i realise its just foolish of me to think that way... i was overreacting... in the end, its all but a dream... and illusion that i have painted for myself... ah well... blah...

sometimes, in life, like what i have read, in such situations, a person like me is in a period of "regrettable regrets"... i kinda regret about it... and i guess such opportunity will not come again for me... well...

i have more things to worry about now... my air force interview is on the 19th of dec, 1 pm... i wonder how is it gonna be like? what happens if they were to ask for my results? what will happen if i fail to make it through? what will happen to me? how about my dreams? i am really worried, it seems as though i am entering a seriously screwed period of my life when everything i do is about to fail me... i seriously feel like a pessimist now... well...

went shopping with mom yesterday after church... we went to marina square to take a look at the Crocs shop, then i went to the Model shop to get myself some model planes... i bought a F 22 Raptor as well as an F 86 Sabre...

making model planes is one of those things that can give me a sense of achievement... one of the little things that actually gives me a sense that i am not as useless as i think i am... well...
mom saw this couple, they were about my age... the guy looked ridiculous, typical ah beng... but his girlfriend... was a stunner, mom was asking me if she was looking at something fake... i told her that what she was looking was real... she looked at me and asked why am i not attached when a ridiculous guy can get such a beautiful girlfriend... well... i am not sure myself... do you guys have an answer? i don't have one, perhaps its just fate i guess?

i watched V for Vendetta today... pretty cool movie...

V: I can assure you I mean you no harm.
Evey: Who are you?
V: Who? Who is but the form following the function of what, and what I am is a man in a mask.
Evey: Well, I can see that.
V: Of course you can. I'm not questioning your powers of observation, I'm merely remarking upon the paradox of asking a masked man who he is.
Evey: Oh. Right.
V: But on this most auspicious of nights permit me then, in lieu of the more commonplace sobriquet, to suggest the character of this dramatis persona.
[V throws back his cape.]
V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! [He slashes a large V through a propaganda poster.] The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. [giggles] Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me "V".
Evey: Are you, like, a crazy person?
V: I am quite sure they will say so. But to whom, might I ask, am I speaking?
Evey: I'm Evey.
V: Evey? E-V. Of course you are.
Evey: What does that mean?
V: It means that I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidence. Are you hurt?
Evey: No, I'm fine...thanks to you.
V: Oh, I merely played my part. But tell me, do you enjoy music, Evey?
Evey: I suppose.
V: You see, I'm a musician of sorts on my way to give a very special performance.
Evey: What kind of instruments?
V: Percussion instruments are my speciality, but tonight I intend to call upon the entire orchestra for this particular event, and would be most honored if you would join me.
Evey: I don't see any instruments.
V: Your powers of observation continue to serve you well. But wait! It is to Madame Justice that I dedicate this concerto, in honor of the holiday she seems to have taken from these parts, and in recognition of the impostor that stands in her stead. Tell me, do you know what day it is?
Evey: Um... November the fourth?
[church bells start tolling 12 midnight]
V: Not anymore. Remember, remember, the fifth of November, the gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.

such movies, like The Matrix trilogy, makes you question about the things that are happening around you... to be honest, i am begining to question feelings that i have... my opinions, my life... i doubt you guys will understand, but when my life is in such a state... you start to question, if, or anything you belive in acutally is real... searching for someone whom can give me some answers in my life... like verbal answers to the sorry state that i am about to enter...

yes, i know i should trust in God that he will bring me out of this shithole that i am about to enter (Failing my A levels). but, in the first place, why must it happen to me? action-reaction, cause-effect... i have done my part, i don't do evil things, and yet... things just bite me like that... well... all i want is to have a smooth sailing life... well... who am i to complain?

even V yearns for a loved one... am i wrong to do that?

sunday

2008-11-23T21:46:00.002+08:00

its been a long time since i last blog'ed... the A levels are over... i have mixed feelings about it... but it seems as though i will get the same results i got for prelims... i am expecting 4 U's... well... looking for available courses i can take up in poly... i am thinking of aerospace engineering... anybody has any insights? will appreciate if you can provide me with some info about aerospace engineering...

well... i am basically wasting my time now... just exercising daily to prepare myself for army... its will be 2 years before i enter poly... to think of it, i think i have wasted 2 years of my life... i have no idea what its gonna be like to be in poly... well... its kinda hard to swallow, especially in this time period now when i know i am going to fail my A levels... i have no idea how to tell my parents that i have tried my best... things just don't add up for me... i work hard, i put in the effort, i did my part... but my results are still... like crap... some people tell me SIM... my parents can't support me... how? its like a waiting game... it sucks... seriously...

its been a few weeks since the last paper... prom night is around the corner... i was running with stefanus yesterday to boon keng when he asked if i was going for my school's prom... i told him about the class, and that all the girls are not going... so... whats the point when only 8 guys from the class are going for prom... he was kinda shocked when he heard that... i was not surprised... he said that this was pretty weird, and did not expect such a thing would happen... well... i told him if i could turn back time, he should spent a day in our class... to think of it... its kinda weird to spent 2 years with a group of people and have very minimum communication between each other...

well.. its over... so much for my expectations... i thought that life in a mixed school would be better than SAS... i guess i was wrong... maybe because i am not used to the "ways" to approach and socialise with the opposite sex, but it seems as though my friends in school are all guys... lol... its like as if i am a sexist... well... its kinda embarrassing to admit that i myself have always imagined about the girl of my dreams, spending time in school, taking the same bus together... you know, the "perfect school life"... well, perhaps its either i have watched too much shows and anime, or maybe its never attainable, but one thing for sure, its never gonna happen for me... well...

now that i am no longer a student, i am beginning to worry about many other things... i am going to be slower than the rest of my peers by 2 years, maybe 3 years... things are gonna change for me, i may have to work part time and study part time after NS... things will become tough for me... while people are having a great time in the university, i will be in poly, studying, to say that poly life is slack, would be a lie, after all, only the top 10% are eligible for the university... then, what if after my poly, i don't make it to the local university? what am i going to do then? how am i going to survive in the singapore society?

well... pardon me, but i would like to complain... life is really unfair to me... though 90% of this is caused by my decision... but life have been pretty unfair not to give me the remaining 10%... all i am asking is for a nice and fulfilling time as a student... and what i get in the end, is far from it... well... life is unfair... you never get what you want...

besides sitting here, waiting for the worst... my dreams... its gone... shattered now... how is the airforce gonna accept a person whom is gonna fail his A levels? what am i gonna do? my dream, my passion that have driven me... its just gone like that... all that i have dreamt about, wished, expected, all gone... and i have to go through the suffering to see it just slip away from me... how nice...

yea, i know, some of you people are just gonna read this and say, "kenneth, is emo"... perhaps try to put yourself in my shoes? for 4 years, you are working hard, and expecting for something you thought was gonna be great, for 2 years, you went through hell, your expectations seems to become lie (and it only applies to me), people whom are in the same situation as you are having the time of your life while you are just suffering... your dreams are all shattered, even though you worked your ass for it... perhaps life is unfair to me?

maybe i am trying too hard... maybe i am not fit to be successful, maybe this is just not my life... i really don't know... but this agony... to know that my friends are gonna do well and move on to university while i be left behind, is not a nice thing to think about...

am i asking too much? Action-Reaction, Cause-Effect... i paid the price... but i do not get what i deserve... nice...

its kinda difficult to accept the situation that i am entering... well...

went out with the NCC guys yesterday... i had a really good time... we talked alot, talked about life, about past experiences... one thing that really struck me was when timothy asked me about liking another person... someone to talk to, someone special, someone you actually have feelings for... maybe because of past experiences, for me, i am kinda numb to such feelings... it has become something unreal and unattainable for a person like me... its like, i never wanna think of something like this again... its just gonna be worst... i try to ignore it the best i could... i know its not gonna help, but its the best i can do now...

i remember one experience, when i put in so much, and yet, was played like a fool... the other never felt anything, neither did she say anything... its weird how girls can tear your guts out and still wanna be friends... well... life is unfair...

perhaps i should stop complaining, and just thank God for everything i have? well...
for now, my life is in a mess...

it seems like the more i want something, the more i don't get it... well...

2008-11-22T15:32:00.001+08:00

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TESTING....

2008-11-22T15:30:00.002+08:00

TEST TEST, TEST TEST.... TESTING 1, 2, 3!!!!
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GEJGOPEQJHGOHEIGBIHGVEQJG;LJMR'HKO[QJH
FGEHIEHHEHGIEHGIHEPGHOPEQHG9YTIPHkjgiphhgohqiphgnqdgjodgophqejog
gfheiwgiehgiohgnpwehjutpjbnchgioitrhtheythek;gnojuqepjtl;jngopjugpjgl;rmhl;hgpiohsaoihl;eqjntojgopjdlkgniehglkdnopdhoifjdngkdshgiodhglngdhpih
fbafblaksgfhkdghildhgklhdgihahfiosyiorhlkhgf
fnjdbgibioughhuogrugfuhjkhgcjbjfkguid

sunday

2008-09-21T17:42:00.002+08:00

as far as i know now, i guess i really have offended many people already... well... i guess its my fault again... guess i am what some people call a "ridiculous" person.

well... sorry if i have offended you in anyway... sorry...

as much as anything is concerned, i belief as for now, theres really no such thing as "perseverance, hard work, and diligence will show you results". i don't know about you people, but i believe theres the need to be practical as well...

ass i am saying is that, well... as much as i am putting in effort, theres this thing, this little voice that keeps telling me to be practical...

its not that i am giving up or being a pessimist again, but yea, as much as statistics have proven, as much as anything to prove, i am quite sure that i don't belong to the group of people whom will make it... i am saying this not out of self-pity or sympathy, but yea, theres this high chance that i will not make it...

after all, how can i score straight A's with 4 U's under my belt?

its just so comical that i am here, studying, putting in my efforts, and in the end of the day, the probability of me not making it is so high... its like some kind of joke that the world is playing on me...

its like being caught in the middle, you know you cannot give up, and yet you also know you may not make it... its like clinging on to false hope...

just take a look st the teachers... i know they are being kind to say encouraging things to me, but its just their body language that give them away...

honestly, perhaps they want a person like me to look back and say "hey, at least i did my best"

but, how can i accept that?

its like trying to save a marriage and in the end not able to save it...

yes, its not the end of the world...

but, thats for you... not for me

after all these years, all that i have done, all that i do, it all leads to my dream to becoming a fighter pilot... my airforce interview is on the 30th, how am i supposed to go for an interview with 4u's???

i mug, i study, all i do so that i can do well, but, lo and behold, everything just back fires at you...

yea, some people say its studying methods, some people say its taking breaks,

for me, its just simply boils down to this...

i am fucking stupid...

how can one person practice so much and yet still fail?

its like nature is telling me to fuck off from this JC system and go to hell,

its like shooting it in my face that i am not as capable as i thought i was...

its like telling me, i am asking for too much...

some people say i should be concentrating on my studies,

i am, i am putting in my effort,

and when people try to say its all going to be worth it, that its going to be paid, i feel so cheated, like as if these people are lying to me...

i have never even passed anything since this year, can you actually believe it?

nothing at all, do you actually know how demoralising this is? do you actually know how it feels to be me?

i try to think of other things to try to escape from this crap, i listen to music, i try to take my mind of this, i go to school everyday telling myself what i want, telling myself that its going to be alright, but is it?

i am losing faith in everything i believe in, trust me, everything...

and it just feels worst when the world seems to want to put you down...

do you know how it feels to be in 2s17?

when everyone is doing well except you,

i honestly feel insulted, i feel so inferior when i step into class,

its like i am the culprit,

if i am not in this class, everything will be better.

its like going to school with a name you do not deserve...

i need something but i don't know what is it,

"passerby" say to be confident, say to motivate myself, i tried, and failed, and failed, and failed...

i know you people are helping, but i just can't move, as much as i want to, i tried, but the circumstances just prevents me...

as far as i am concerned, i try to blog, i try to think about things that will take me away from this, but it all just crumble down against me...

never in my life i felt like this, some people say that i still have a long way to go in life and there are more obstacles in life, i tell you, i am at my worst now... throw me anything in the future and i promise you, i will never feel so useless like now...

now, even though i try, and i will continue to try, i just know that if i don't make it, i can only accept the fact...

you might say that i have a chance, and if i carry such an attitude, i will not make it for sure,

i can only tell you, put yourself in my shoes, and try to be positive...

i will continue to work hard, be positive, and work... but i just hope that you will understand me as a person, look at me as a person that is a man, whom is not superman, i fail at times, i am not perfect, can you please just understand me...

you are looking at a man whom is stuck in the middle, got no where to go, defeated, and yet still wants his dreams so desperately...

this is all...

i have ranted, back to hit the books...

friday

2008-09-19T20:22:00.002+08:00

i am finding it very difficult to relate to my female counter parts in school... perhaps its me being a very difficult and inflexible person to being with... but it seems as though i get this thought going through my mind that girls around me are not the kind that i heard nor imagine before...

they say once bitten, twice shy, i have seen and experienced many negative examples of how women are like... i have my grandmother, a very screwed up person, heavy gambler, gambled my grandfather's money away till he's left with nothing... a women whom treats my mom like a dog and does not give 2 hoots about how i am doing... then theres this group of girls/women from church... who on the stage and in church seem to lead the so called "correct" life, but back home... they are a total different person from what they preach...

ok, before i carry on, theres a need to understand that i am not being sexist here, i know that i can't judge the whole female population by just a few examples, and i also understand that males are not as "superior" or better than women, but its just that what i have really this opinion about women that is so objective that i think its really affecting me...

you always read me describing how women i perceived should be like, and the way some girls behave in school, or at least around me, seem to contradict this very benchmark of girls...

whatever happened to the friendly gal in school? whatever happened to the gals that are caring etc, what ever happened to the feminine side of girls/women... ???

theres this girl in school, she is a prominent figure in school, everyone knows here or at least seen her before... to me, this girl is a really composed, serious, capable, hardworking, friendly, "steady", "cool" type of girl... some would label her as a model student (no objections for me)... my opinion of her has been always the "serious" gal... then suddenly, this week, i saw what i dare say was on of the most shocking moments in my life... in other words i saw hope, i saw salvation, i saw a gal that was described in books, i saw the gal that i was told about when in was in the boy's school... i saw light... i was right all along...

though she was always composed but smiley... i saw her true feminine side... oh God... this is what girls should be like right? damn, this is what girls are meant to be like... true, honest, and the courage to show what she is really like... i saw hope, i was delighted...

please do not mistaken that i have feeling for this girl... i do not, but she gave me this hope that perhaps the problem does not even lie with me, its just the problem of the girls around me... i am quite convinced that i am pretty unlucky to fall away from the correlation... but yea, its seems as though all along, the problem does not lie with me being weird or whatever, the problem lies with them...

yes, i know i am being very unreasonable here, i know i am being very irrational and inflexible by not looking at how i am myself, but one things for sure, girls in the other side are way way better than some of those people i see in school...

there are also exceptional cases in school where some girls are really nice, but the majority, perhaps because of the stress in the JC life... seem to be deviations from the norm...

here is where i get this dilemma, with the kind of "expectation"in my head, i tend to see girls in a different light, and i have come to understand that it is defiantly wrong to treat girls the way i treat guys... you have to treat girls differently, they are after all, different from us, guys...

take for example when i was running in school on Thursday, i saw some of my classmates whom are gals... when i see them, all these thoughts rushed to my head, and i start to ponder and wonder, even to the extent of suspecting, why these girls seem to be so far off the benchmark? to the very least my benchmark... (i am not saying these girls are useless, they are special in their own ways) then i start to ask, does the problem lie with me? or is it really them? i dunno... after all, only one of the girls said "hi"... i smiled back, the rest... just ran like i never existed...

i know i am being unfair, after all, i should say hi first right? but, it just seems as though these girls just want to be left alone, i am not saying that they are unfriendly, but its just how they seem to have that kind of body language to wanna ignore you... as much as i try to think positively, my mind just associate these girls to those that i mentioned earlier... and my head just jump to conclusions...

as much as my mind tells me, i always try to look at this from both sides, but my mind just contradicts everything that people tell me... it really seems as though perhaps there are girls out there whom are really the kind that i saw in the LT, and in school...

after all, these girls do smile at me when i see them in school.... the others... oh well...

i know i am selfish here, i cannot expect the world to live the way i see them/expect them to become, and i know i am expecting too much from my female counterparts... but its just quite hard to understand them... especially so when you read so much about them and how some girls are really what i expected them to be...

i know i have already offended many other people, but yea, i myself, honestly, am quite disappointed with some of the girls i know... yes yes, i know, identity, personality etc... but yea, as i have mentioned, maybe i am too used with being with guys, but girls on the other hand, you just can't treat them the way you treat you "guy" friends...

perhaps my classmate was right, the grass is always greener on the other side...

maybe i am thinking too much, maybe i am being too sensitive and objective, maybe i am just to crazy... but yea, from what i have seen, there is still hope... that out there, it will be different...

well, do scold me, talk behind my back, even consider to killing me if you think i am wrong, please, by any means, try to change my opinion, 'CAUSE i wanna change too... enlighten me... for i need it... change me, let me see the better side...

42 days left to A levels, and i am screwed...

last post... so yea, tag...

rock on guys

sunday

2008-09-07T12:06:00.003+08:00

tomorrow's the new term of school... this means results... doubt i will do well for prelims... oh well... just work hard right?

i am going mad now... theres still so many things i do not understand... been doing maths... its very difficult when you try and try, but still can't get answers... i should be doing maths with ease now... but?... theres still so much i need to cover...

and chemistry... i still know nothing about it... well... i am so screwed...

i miss my friends... i miss people from SA... i miss people from NCC... darn... i need to see them... after all, it was then that we never had to fake our lives... we like who we were, we are what we were, and we accepted it... well...

perhaps i am too stressed up, perhaps i am really going mad, but i feel that i have an undiagnosed mental illness... like i am mad but theres nothing to prove it... perhaps when i admit myself to IMH, i will realise just how crazy i am...

after all the drama you guys have read... i really wonder what kind of person i have become... is being honest to myself a good thing after all? my values, are they valid to begin with in the first place? is it a must to carry on with life with "masks" on? am i becoming the "outcast"? am i being unreasonable? is this really what lies ahead for me? a place where even your friends wear masks?

one thing for sure, wearing a "mask" will only make you tired, and when your "mask" falls, things will go real bad...

then again, i wonder, why am i being so honest with myself? why do i do such a thing? why do i live my life like that?

well, perhaps i don't see myself a person that wants the whole world to know me... all i want is people to accept me as i am, and what i am... and i want people to do the same... i know that i am not as good as others, and theres no need to be in some clique for me to "survive" in school... you like me? fine, you hate me? fine, i don't care...

then again, a person like me is a dangerous person... theres this problem of being "myself" i see the world differently, and with such a perspective of life, i sometimes become a very difficult person to be with... i live my life to what i deem fit, and in the process, i neglect the need about others, i.e. i do things that benefit myself, and not others... to summarise, i am a selfish person... as much as i try to be nice to do things for others, theres always this thing that comes out... "why am i being so nice? why am i helping people when i can't help myself..."

then everything starts to contradict myself, my values, and everything i believed in... then again, from what i have learnt, what i took so long just to realise how immature i am... this is a dog eat dog world, like "the lord of the flies" and "battle royale" the world is so cruel... only the toughest survive... i sometimes think, if my jc class now were to undergo a "Battle royale" session, who will really survive...

this really bothers me... does it mean that i would not people to count on in the future? does it mean that people will just stab me in the back? how am i going to survive in the future? am i going to be judged because of how i look?

well, perhaps its even more important to be true to myself... so what if the world is against me? perhaps the problem does not lie with me, it lies with the world...

then again, me against the world?

HA... oh well...

i am weird, and have to accept it right?

is it good to think so much?

perhaps after this ordeal... the A levels, i will be better...

then again, who will really look at a person whom is honest...

with that even mentioned, how am i honest? who gives me the right to say that i am honest?

see, i contradict myself again...

i think i have "contradict-iatrous" a mental illness in which patients contradict themselves constantly...

"what your name?"

"kenneth... erm, no, erm, jun liang, erm no, erm... lim, erm... jun, erm... name? what name? erm... dick? tom? whats my name again? erm... "

then...

thursday

2008-09-04T11:10:00.002+08:00

alright, there are some people whom are really affected by what was mentioned... and i believe that there are some people out there, whom are pretty much caught in the middle... well, i have got some things to clarify before you even start to think about this...

first of all...

this is between me and this person... and you ( those reading my blog) are the third party... there is no need for you guys to side me or this person... please, just understand the situation, think about it, and forget about it... please... don't keep thinking about it as if its the end of the world....

besides, you should not be taking sides, in fact, you, as a third party, should listen to both side, and judge for yourself... i am not asking you guys to say whos right or wrong... i guess today, no matter any situation, theres no point to point the finger... what will happen? lets be frank... people won't change...

theres no need to form opinions, keep away, form new groups etc... please, lets just grow up, move on... besides, this is what i experienced, this might not happen to you... i just have got to accept that i am being looked down upon, just because of my looks, and i don't deserve the respect from others... i try to be nice, but sometimes, when people go overboard... its just difficult to forget... cos, perhaps, i don't even belong here at first... perhaps you guys are right... i am really trying to hard to be the nice guy...

perhaps its like this, theres no such thing as being good, cos people judge you from your looks... its a fact... well... what can i do right?

one thing for sure, i never lost my TEMPER, i listened, i tried to reason, i put in the effort, i never argued... i am honest to myself, and to you guys... what i type here is what i see, what i experienced... yes, i was angry, i was frustrated, i was disappointed... but rest assured, i never wore the mask.... i was honest to myself and you guys...

i mean, i know some of you guys will have different opinions, but perhaps, just take it as a plea from you, please do not let this affect you... as i mentioned, this is what happened to me... i doubt it will happen to you... and by you, i refer to you as a person of some status, you have the ability to do well in exams, you look decent to this person, you are talented, you are what this person refer to as "acceptable and thus respectable"...

if you are like me, i guess we only have ourselves to blame... but then again, why let one person's opinion affect us? after all... i am no the only one to suffer this "wrath"... "he" also suffered it... i did not believe it at first... but now, when i see, i felt, i know... and i am sorry to this "he" i should have trusted you... sorry...

well with all these said... i don't expect you to believe me, by all means, please, listen to both parties, judge for yourself, forget it, and move on... if you can't be bothered, good... afterall, this is my opinion, and you don't have to follow me... theres no gain... no matter which side are you on (you should not be) if you hate me or sth, be honest, and just don't fake it...

as i have mentioned, i am honest to myself, to this person, to you guys, you people can hold accountable to my words here, after so much thoughts, from my own opinion, this is who i am, this is what i am, this is what i have done, like it or not, i will stay like this, be like this... but, if you see that i am wrong, please tell me, i will change...

thank you guys.... perhaps i should really heck these people, be honest to myself, live my live like i deem fit... afterall, what have i done wrong? so what if i look like that? in fact, i don't even see myself inferior to others... i like what i do, i do what i like... whats wrong? and if you don't like the person i am, who cares? i don't... and i should not... i will be honest to myself...

hopefully, you as a person, no matter who, will read this, and don't jump to conclusions... listen to both sides, i am not saying i am right... just being honest... you are the ultimate judge...

monday

2008-09-01T20:15:00.004+08:00

i am a hypocrite now... i can't believe i did it, but i did... i performed on stage with a person whom has no intentions of performing for teachers but to win... i can't believe it... a person can put up such an act in front of the whole world as if this person really means it... what a joke... and i can't believe i was on stage with this person, and i can't believe i put on a mask in front of the whole world... i just can't believe it... i feel so dirty, so dishonest, so evil, so despicable... i feel like shit... so what if people and the teachers enjoyed the performance... i just feel so dirty, i feel like trash...

i always believe that there is justice in this world... as in, although the world is unfair, there is the element of "just". its like, what goes around, comes around, i believe that... what you do unto others, others will do it unto you... i dunno, but its like being with something taboo... you know, like being associated with something so disgusting, i can't imagine going to school everyday... its just makes me feel so ashamed of myself.

i feel as if i have been cheated, its like always knowing this person is true, this person is your friend... but when this person, suddenly turns into a freak - drops the "mask", showing all the true colours, and by true colours i mean all the negative side- you finally see something you never thought you would see in a person you call a "friend".

so much for treating this person so nice, when this person actually scolds me "fuck" and really mean it.

well, i take partial blame that a person like me, looking the way that i look, you treat me like trash, scold me, do those ridiculous petty stuff on me... i take partial blame that i can only play the guitar so much, i take the blame that i am not as athletic as some people in school, i take the blame that i am not as smart, i take the blame that i am not as capable as some people, and i also take the blame that i am not sociable, i take the blame that i am not handsome, i take the blame that i am not a good person to be a class leader, i take the blame that i am from a boys school, and i take the blame that i do not come from a rich family... but you can't treat me like that...

its amazing how you can treat another person in class with RESPECT and treat a person like me with disrespect... its ok if you talk behind my back, but i just cannot accept this "straight in the fact - you suck crap" in fact, i don't even think i suck at all... cos you know what? i think, you suck so hard, i feel so disgusted that i have actually called you a "friend" for these 1 plus year...

so what if others are more handsome, smarter, more athletic than me? i don't even associate myself with them, i mean, take a good look at yourself man... in every other way, you suck so hard, please don't insult me by comparing me at first... you aren't even better than me... wait, you aren't even close to compare anything with me at all... lay down all your cards... you got nothing to compare with me... NOTHING...

i feel so dirty that i trusted you... in fact, i should have already know, that a person like him would not lie, in fact, when he says that you are a "bitch" i already believed, its just that i keep it to myself... in fact, the way you treat him, sometimes, i just find it overboard... in fact, you should in the first place, practice what you preach...

its because of people like you, i push myself everyday... its because of people like you, i work damn hard, its because of people like you, i tell myself to prove that i am more than you actually see... in fact, i gotta thank people like you, you guys make me see how screwed up this world is, and pushes me more, to beat you people...

in fact, why am i being so kind, i should be using vulgarities now, i should be typing all those mean words out now, insult you till you feel like killing yourself... but hey... i am keeping my cool yo, "gentleman" as you supposed... ha... what a joke... while the world around you struggle to work for the last leg of the race... you are just there living in your own world... come to think of it,

i actually remember you saying you despise people whom are spoilt, living off their parents... in fact, you are actually like them... you are as vain, and as lazy as them... come to think of it, you are worst then them... at least they treat people like me with respect...

AND WHEN I SAY RESPECT, I AM REFERRING TO IT AS BARE, AS SIMPLE, AS BASIC, AS TREATING ME LIKE A PERSON... A FRIEND...

from the way you treat me... you are just as sick as a spoilt brat... in fact, you are so ignorant of yourself... i find you more disgusting then those RJC girls i mentioned...

now i know why your friends treat you this way...

i guess i am lucky... at least i finally know what you are actually like... i am just concerned about those people whom have not seen your true side...

stay away from me... don't degenerate me...

yuck...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prelims is over... there is more to come... its time to mug again... mug with more vigour... this time will determine if i can be a fighter pilot... i will do my best...

well...

to be honest... beside the disgusting fact that i mentioned above... there's another thing still bugging me...

yup...

its about her...

well... i have spent some time thinking about it... and yes, as i have said before, i will try to keep it down, not to post so much up...

but...

it just keeps me thinking...

why do i just keep thinking about her?

ok, i am gonna be honest...

its all the nice, lovely, fluffy, stuff crap...

then again, i guess its because it has been so long already... i am really asking myself, why am i actually feeling like this...

especially after yesterday's Nike run... when Boys Like Girls played Hero/Heroine... this is what i am going through, but i am really doubtful... is it even worth it to be thinking the way i am thinking now...

its like... falling in love with the girl on tv, like falling in love with a Pin Up... then again, is it even love to begin with... HA, what is love anyway?

i see some of my friends in relationships... then i compare to what i learn in church, what i read in books, what i watch in tv, what i listen to from my music...

its either what i am experiencing now is the real thing, or what i have mentioned above is a lie...

its not possible right?

to begin with, lets not even start with me... some of my friends in a relationship, its always a one way thing... ok, i do not have the experience to comment on something... but ain't it a 2 way thing? i really cannot comprehend...

its such a joke when i teach people to do things for their girlfriends, and i myself can't even dare to do something... perhaps thats why people look down on me i guess...

sometimes, i actually hope that i am somebody she actually wants... somebody of her taste at least... really, like honestly, i hope i could be like that, but theres not changing the fact that i am me... kennethlimjunliang... like it or not, as much as i can change... i will look like that for the very least...

then again...

if i don't try, i will never know right? theres nothing much to lose anyway...

right?

i just hope that i do not fall into the "eyes kenna stamp" thing that people always fall into...

its kinda funny also, to think of it... am i just trying to hard? making things difficult for myself... trying to fit into something that i am not supposed to fit in at all?

the rest of the class did not really move except me i guess... i think i hit lq on the face...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

in your atmosphere

free fallin'
>

some pretty darn good acoustic songs by john mayer...

2008-09-01T20:11:00.001+08:00

i came to SRJC knowing that i have spend almost a decade of my life with boys, and i should be mindful of myself, all the things that was told to us in school, ethics and stuff, about the opposite sex... including the fact that i have a sister at home, i understand the fact that sometimes, the guys have to give way to the girls... but what happened today, i will remember all my life, for i am so disgusted with this person, i feel so sick, i do not even want to perform with her tomorrow.

it all begins with video taking... ok, so you said that i was monotone, said that it was all a stupid idea, and that i am not being co-operative... ok you said you do not want to do it... and you put the blame on me... you just throw your temple at me like i am a nobody... ok, fine, i take it as you know, menses. i take it in... in the end, i was the one who came up with all the ideas, and all you did was just act along... how contradicting... so i tell myself again, its periods...

it was not my fault that the electric guitar's jack was screwed, i cannot blame Bryan cos i myself did not check the guitar before... and i have already told you since the beginning, my acoustic guitar will sound very weird with the mike on. i told you there was feed back, i told you that you will not be able to hear me... fine, i take it as not being clear with my concerns... you told me to play at a faster tempo, i play, you tell me to up the key, i up the key, you said you would follow my guitar... (btw, its the guitar that follows the singer...) fine, i see that you can sing well, and that you claim to have the experience of performing... so i listen to you...

but in fact, you are so noob, i feel so ashamed just to be playing with you... in fact, i feel quite insulted actually, cos you make me look so bad... like i can't play the guitar for nuts... ok, again, i try to consider that fact that you feel nervous on stage (sth which i doubt you would have), and i also considered the fact that the PA system was bad... but then, you can't even get basic 4 beat tempo right, i cannot imagine how you perform... ok you have a good voice to cover up, but i guess, its just your problem and not mine... you constantly blame me for not playing consistently, blame me for not co-operating...

ok, nvm, i went to borrow the acoustic from another team... the guitar itself is more expansive, plus it had new string... NEW STRINGS MAN! all i did was played one stanza, and you said that the guitar was lousy... ok, fine, i see that you do not understand the mechanics behind the guitar, but you do not have to scold me, and doubt me about the classical guitar right? its 2 different things, you cannot play an acoustic guitar like as classical guitar... and you do not have to insult me but saying mean things to your friend about me when you try to borrow a classical guitar from your friend in school right? plus the fact you do not have to insult me by stating your stand about wanting to win and not caring about my intentions... i am sorry, but i honestly want to perform for my teachers and thats all, i don't even want to win this competition... and you do not have to insult me... by seeing me as your object to help you win... i feel so disgusted when i heard you said that... the song have lost its meaning... and i do not want to play the song... whats the point?

after all, to begin with, me and him had not spent do much time into it, you won't be singing it at all... so what if you added 2 stanza to it? its copy and paste what... i doubt you have the ability to put aside 1 month of your time to think of such a song... you reply disgusts me... i can't imagine performing with you... i will be a hypocrite... the thought of it makes me sick... "i've come here to win, and i want to win... (i shall not add the other words you said... it will turn ugly)

so, you claimed you said sorry... hello? sorry through sms? you say i am petty, i say i am reasonable... you said you don't even know why you always throw your temple on me, i say its all bullshit, you are just simply picking on me... i try to be nice, considering the fact that tomorrow is a joyful day... i keep it inside... but then, all these... are just crap... how can you not know why yu are angry with another person, you are just being unreasonable... and you still have the cheek to say things about me, hello? if you are a guy, i will make sure you bleed...

ok, never mind, i see it on the fact that we are classmates, i let it go, but then, you totally went overboard when you demanded me to go home to bring my guitar when i have already explained things nicely to you that without the jack, there will be feedback, i also told you that it will sound weird, you just ignore everything and insisted that i must go back to take the guitar, continue to blame me... thank God when one of the TA's gave their comment, it was spot on with all my concerns... i can still remember what you said "stop procrastinating, just go home to take your guitar, its just 2 hours...." 2 HOURS... ARE YOU MAD? can't you even think properly? 2 hours means nothing to you? you still have the cheek to scold me when you see me back in school... i rushed back to school just to hear you say "why never pick up phone"... i can't believe it...

in the end of the day, when whatever you told me to do, failed... you said nothing, you never even considered about it... you can't reach the high note, you sang totally out of tempo, you made yourself look like a fool... i told you everything, but you just did not care... so what if i got the last laugh, i feel so disgusted with myself... i feel like crap... like trash... i can't believe what i saw today, i always thought you were on the right side... i guess why you are in such a position today, you have to blame your attitude toward people...

but i have to thank you, perhaps why our class is like this, is not because of them, but its because of people like you... i feel so ashamed of myself, i need to apologise to the class, i am so disgusted of myself. perhaps they were right after all...

i tried lq, i tried to reason, i tried to talk... i tried being a "gentleman" but i guess its just screwed... i dunno man, i am just wondering if women are like that... no, you are just the minority whom have "masks" on your face... i finally saw the true you, and i don't like what i see...

>

well...

2008-08-23T22:56:00.004+08:00

i am here again, been thinking about the previous post that i have posted... i can't help but to have mixed reactions... am i normal? some people say "deviate from social norms" am i deviating? or am i just the norm?

then again, i ask myself, am i feeling alright? am i ok? am i being rational, am i doing the right thing? thinking correctly? am i really that petty, am i really such a bastard?

i now ask myself, who am i really? whats my identity, who am i, what i really am... is this it? why am i so unhappy with things like that? am i hurting people with what i mentioned?

yes kenneth, you idiot.

am i crazy?

and it all comes back to what kind of person i am... what am i really to all you people...

then again... am i the only person that feels this way?

i guess i am going mad...

whatever it is, all i wanna say is that i am not a goody-2-shoes, and i do not proclaim myself to be a gentleman...

is just that sometimes, you gotta make clear your stand right?

oh well...

saturday

2008-08-23T16:44:00.005+08:00

i am fucking pissed today... i am fucking pissed off with the girls today... and when i say girls, i mean some of the girls then i come across in school... i am putting women aside, because they are generally more matured then girls in school

fuck, i am so pissed, i am not even going to care about the vocab that i am gonna use...

some girls have poor vocab, they just simply cannot understand the word "gentleman".
to these girls, a "gentleman" is a person that gives up their sit for them, a person that opens the door for them, a person that practice "ladies first" rule... i say its all but a big pile of fucking bullshit...

In modern speech, the term is usually democratised so as to include any man of good, courteous conduct, or even to all men. YES, the points mentioned above are just some ways a guy practice his "gentleman"ness... but first of all"... these girls have to understand that just because a person practices such GENTLEMAN does not make him a gentleman... hell, any man can give up his sit for another girl, any man can let the girl move first... FUCK, even a pimp can do that... but these girls must understand that the word "SINCERITY" .

if that is their definition of a gentleman, (a person whom "give" in to women for thier benefit) i find a a fucking joke... so what does this mean? when you queue up in the canteen, its only right for all the guys infront of you to let you go first? fuck, does this also mean that when you are looking for a job next time, a more qualified man should give up his opportunity just because you are a girl? FUCK... the world is not like that BITCHES... if the world is like this please tell me...

fuck... so what? when a guy like me (as viewed by some girls in class as "ungentleman" ugly, and petty)

1. says excuse me before i interrupt you during your consultation.
2. says sorry for the inconvenience caused when i have to pass by some girls and guys in lecture.
3. waiting for girls and guys to finish buying their food and sited on the table before digging in.
4. give up my seat to the elderly and not to the girl in the bus/mrt.
5. respecting your need for a listening ear and say my honest thoughts.
6. says sorry not to be irritating but its only courteous.
7. arriving early for any meeting by half an hour to make sure that i am early.
8. saying thank you when a girl does things more me.
9. not throwing my temple and listening to suggestions.
10. not forcing a girl to do sth she doesn't like.

all these are just nothing in their eyes... i am so surprised... i mean, are these girls fucking stupid? first of all, for a person, anyone to be "gentleman" to another person, begins with respect.

if a girl have the self respect to respect herself as a women... she would be courteous enough to let people (anyone) to go first... take for example the door... these girls would walk towards the door and then just walk in... when a guys (me) happen to walk in at the same time, they would expect me to let them in first... i am not saying its wrong... BUT HAVE YOU SHOWN ME THE RESPECT AND EVEN BASIC COURTESY TO SHOW THE GESTURE OF LETTING THE OTHER PERSON GO IN?????

would you respect a person with poor conduct? would you respect a person whom have no basic courtesy? if a person already have plans for the last parachute, would you say, oh, take it... is only "right for a guy to do so" if the girl gesture to give up the parachute to me, i would will all gratitude force the parachute on her... its the thoughts that count. to says that girls are a thoughtful bunch is wrong.

now, back to the door. if the girl have the gesture to let me in, i would certainly, with all politeness let her in first... the respect is shown... but if the girl is so arrogant that she could only care about herself going in first, i don't see the point to let the girl go in first... that does not mean that i rush to the door and go in first. i am just saying that theres no point... beside, if a girl is like 10 metres away, talking on the phone, walking slowly, do you expect me to wait for her? go to hell... thats not being gentleman... thats being an idiot.

on that note, being a gentleman does not only mean he treats women or girls exceptionally well... a gentleman holds on to values and beliefs that rational. guys today are also a bunch of fucking idiots. take the holding of their girlfriends handbag... i have no objections of holding my girlfriend's handbag when she goes to the toliet... but fuck, you hold your girlfriends handbag for the whole day when shes out with you, ain't it a joke? might as well put the fucking handbag at home bitch. and for such guys, don't you feel fucking idiotic caring your girlfriend's handbag when she have the ability to do so? might as well ask your girlfriend to buy a matching one to fit your outfit... stupid. i can't imagine how some guys will react when their mothers asks them to carry her handbag... but he will react the total opposite when his girlfriend asks him.

might as well ask a "male maid" to follow you shopping and go for movies... fuck... wheres this guy's value? where's his self respect... your girlfriend don't even respect you as a guy... how ironic. yah, some of you say its only "gentleman" to do so... then you might as well hold all the women's bag in the world... "gentleman" what... i don't see you doing that least to your mother... asshole... call yourself a man...

i am not against helping girls to carry things. lets say that she buys alot of stuff, i ought to help her carry, if i can, i would carry everything... now thats a totally different thing from carrying a handbag... which is more gentleman now?

then again, back in school... some girls, will just see a guy they know, she will then throw the stuff she's carrying on that guy, and this guys will happily carry it for her... i say that both the guy and girl are just plain useless... fuck... does these girls even have the brains to think about another person? can you even ask? so when a guy like me, does not take the initiative to help you carry stuff, that will mean i am not a gentleman... FUCK. i respect your decision of your privacy man... fuck, and because of that, you label me as a person whom is petty and not concerned about other peoples feeling and thus say that i am selfish? comeon bitches... you are not even my girlfriend, why the fuck should i even care about you in the first place? when i ask some girls if they needed help, these girls will reply, "you suck, see people like that still must ask" wtf, i am being polite to ask your for your fucking permission.

how you tell me to practice "gentleman"ness on a girl whom does not even respect herself as a women? would you respect a person in the first place like that?

a girl with self respect will put herself before others and think before herself, a person whom is willing to share, is caring and compassionate. ain't this what girls should be? the feminine side of the human being, the matured and understanding side of human beings? well these girls are the immature spoilt bitches that thinks the world revolves round their selfish lives...

so many times i wanted to throw my temple and show my unhappiness, but i am always reminded that people are different, girls are different, i bottle it up... but when such girls, start to say such things about me, i am damn pissed off. how can they say such things when they in the beginning is so unreasonable?

i am not pushing the blame, nor am saying that i am pure, but hey, look at yourself first? can't you even respect my decision to study? aren't you afraid? the A levels is in 2 months, and unless you tell you you have the confidence that you can score well, please fucking respect my decision to study... besides, i am being a "gentleman" to respect my teacher whom took time off her Saturday for consultation with me... how many teachers will actually do that... besides, so what if i am not there? ask yourself honestly, why you wanna perform at the first place, i am not going up there for my personal glory, i am doing it for the sake for showing my gratitude to my teachers, ask yourself honestly how many teams are actually doing that? besides, you say i am not doing anything, i say fuck you, if its not for me and him, spending one month time to think to such song, you won't even be here... besides, if its so simple, ask someone else to play the guitar...

yes, i was wrong not to reply, but then, you already knew in the first place that i am coming to sch right? and by blaming me for everything, why not ask yourself, if you really wanted to confirm, you could have bugged me again... my grandmother's in hospital, so you trying to say that i should forget about it? i am already weak in my academic studies, saying i have poor time management, fuck, you think life is so easy?

i am so fucking pissed, i have given way, can't you even see that i am fucking pissed?

ok, i consider the fact that some people say things without thinking, but at least be considerate, after all, the words you say are just damn fucking hurting...

ok, you might say i am being petty to type my feelings and post on this blog... i respect you to just shoot my feelings on this place, feel fucking lucky i never lost my temple in this school... say i am selfish that i only care about my studies and its all about time management, i say fuck, i want my dream so fucking badly, i would do anything just to make sure i get into the local universities... i am sorry i have to go to such an extent, i am slow, i can't help it... but i will not let trivial things to obstruct me from getting what i want... after all, all i want is to show m gratitude to teachers... if its about personal glory, count me out...

first it was people from my aspire camp, then now its people around me... am i the odd one out? or are the people today just so arrogant and just so selfish, and blind, that they could not tell the difference between sincerity and "for show"...

i am not saying i am the true gentleman, but sometimes, get your definitions right... and just because i am not handsome and i don't look good, not sociable, not proficient academically you label me as a person i am not... sometimes, you people are just so naive, you make yourself look like a fool...

i am damn pissed... i am angry i need to rant

done ranting, back to books...

2008-08-18T14:34:00.002+08:00

sometimes, it confuses me, sometimes it makes me feel like an idiot, sometimes it makes me feel like i am hanging on a thread... sometimes it makes me feel happy, like theres this hope...

to summarise... its a full load of shit emotions all piled up together...

well... anyway... gp was bad... it was quite difficult for me... i guess i wrote out of point... how can an essay have only one rebuttal... ? AQ and summary was just crap... well... i think its an F... oh well...

sometimes, when you yearn for something, its just goes the other way round... does it? well, when it comes to emotions and relationships, there no point trying to push too hard... its a 2 way thing... that i have to understand... and i do... oh well... can never force someone to do things they don't like...

i am starting to question myself why am i feeling this way... come to think about it, sometimes, it seems like a joke that my body is playing with me...

and i sound like a desperate... (fuck... i am not... unless you are talking about being a fighter pilot)

to my academic status... i think i am in a bad shape... quite screwed... and the A levels round the corner... well... its like... landing on Omaha beach, the first wave... even worst, the first landing craft... right in front of a machine gun post... survival probability... 0.000001%...

i realised then when i squat down in an very weird position, so that i can look up the sky, i can actually see F-16s flying over me... now, thats weird...

U.S.A.F. Combat
Uploaded by sonicbomb

well... gotta hit the books again...

thank you guys for the encouragement and support... i will try my best...

rock on and this is the purple pineapple signing off, you are listening (reading) to tropical fruits FM...

JUICY!!!

friday

2008-08-15T19:35:00.004+08:00

its a crazy week... done many things this week, most of which is spent with books, trying to study... its tough... quite demoralising too...

thank you guys for studying with me...

theres nothing much to say really... i am like that... you know, like a robot, school, home and back to school... nothing much to comment about school, is just that some teachers are really nice and caring, i wonder what i've done to have such nice teachers... anyway... i think i am really lucky...

was taking bus to tuition, theres this 2 RJC girls... made me think alot...

they were talking about some guys in school... no not about their looks, but on how they are gonna be CEOs and ministers of Singapore... then this girl... said "my mom told me to consider... its like marrying to a future PM..."

"how about john? john is going to Stamford, Daryl seems to be going to...."

i was totally stunted...

is this what the elites are like? a class full of people whom already have all their plan laid in front of them... ministers of Singapore, CEO's of big companies... with real bitchy and arrogant girls as wives... is this really it? i was hoping that they will continue to talk about looks... but looks does not seem to matter to these 2 girls at least...

fame, money seems to be their aim... bragging rights i suppose...

i was totally taken aback...

while i was on the bus, going for maths tuition, listening to john mayer singing "free fallin", dreaming thinking about my dream, thinking about her... these people, over at RJC are talking about politics, going abroad to study, coming back to lead the country, and marrying the "most capable" male in their class...

WHAT THE F*$^@?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is this why am i still like this?

then again, i can't be bothered... looking at these 2 girls... though they are way smarter than me, i guess their attitude sucks... is life really about bragging? why is everything so materialistic to them? i wonder am i feeling alright?

i just hope that what i saw today was the minority... but i was reminded what happened in class...

"so, girls, what do you think of this women?"

"she is just being practical..." (an immediate answer)

well...

i know i have just insulted many of you people... especially girls...

but then...

what happens after all the money runs out? what happens when things go sour? we will all get old, and maybe even tired of each other... is this why marriage is so... insecure now?

is this the world now? is every girl like that?

i guess when you have nothing like me, no talent, no looks, no brains, no money, we are sure gonna be losers in front of women... looked down upon... i guess thats why i am like that in school... maybe that's how life is supposed to be... "survival of the fittest..."

pessimistic i maybe, but my 10 years in boys school, i have always thought of girls as the better half of men, the caring, compassionate, loving other half of men... you read it in books, you watch it on television... perhaps this is it... girls are not what they seem to be... at least for a large percentage of the female population of singapore...

then again, men, are viewed as the stronger half of the human race, we are after all expected to protect the females... right? provide for them, and even love them? right?

but it seems as though they are just being very irrational by expecting so much from us... for me at least...

then again, i might not be "man" enough for girls to even notice...

well...

whats relationship then? why the need for boys and girls? male, female? might as well evolve into a new creature... all equal...

oh well... life in unfair right?

for all you guys whom are feeling real stressed, and pressure, do not worry... work hard, rock on, and we will all be rewarded...

i believe in that yo...

i want my dream so badly... and i will work damn hard for it...

well... thats all i want to rant about... nothing much left to say right?

happy birthday! hope you like it...

tuesday

2008-07-29T22:40:00.003+08:00

HA! cos...

1. i fell down while climbing the escalator today, in front of so many SRJCIANS...
2. econs extra lesson really rocked with miss zeenat... (hope i spelled her name correctly)
3. performed in the canteen, look damn retarded...
4. 94 days to A levels, 19 days to prelims... (i am soo screwed)
5. can't finish my homework at all...
6. people having different perspective of me... (most of which is negative)
7. feeling so freaking stressed i feel like biting off my arm...
8. forgot to bring my pencil box to school today...
9. irritated some people
10. i can't do statistic questions...
11. her...

ok... i am so screwed... seems like its gonna be another 5 U for prelims... wow right?

sometimes i wonder, am i asking too much out of myself, then again, some people think that i am still pretty relaxed and not in the mood to be anxious or anything about the prelims and A levels... sometimes, it does get to me... i am really wondering if i am putting in enough effort in my studies... anyway... i am going mad... mad as in crazy... i am like having really weird thoughts in my mind now... like double faced thoughts you know... like theres this angel and devil on my shoulders... giving me 2 perspective of things...

tired...

demoralised...

oh well... thats all i want to say...

saturday

2008-07-26T09:33:00.002+08:00

finally a saturday where i do not have to go back to school... things seems to be going pretty weird for me...

stressed, pressured, it feels so weird when you are doing something as if you understand it, but then you know nothing at all... its kinda like doing something without any purpose... i am not saying i am giving up or anything, but its just weird, that i can actually carry on, doing something without really asking why... its kinda weird when people can have the motivation to do something which seems so uncertain for me... but then again, from another point of view, i am also a person like that, just doing it, don't ask why, make sure that i dun screw things up right? honestly i've got no idea...

gonna be performing in the school canteen... the teachers' day performance... wonder why is it so difficult to perform for teachers... gotta go through so many "knock out" rounds... i don't really like this kind arrangement... make me seem as if i am like performing for my own personal glory... all i wanted is to show my gratitude for my teachers, that why we wrote the song right? seems as if its like a idol competition but its actually for the teachers... oh well, i will be playing the guitar with Rina singing, gonna be performing "cry" by mandy moore... i think we have a very high chance to qualify... lol...

commandos... many different thoughts about it... some people says its not a nice place, some people says its the experience you get... but one things for sure, if i ever get in, i have to be careful with what i do, and how i act... afterall... its not a "safe journey"... many things do happen in commandos...then again, you never try, you will never know... i might regret, but then, we all have to go through some kind of training for NS right? might as well go for the elite... after all... like Shinee said, i am gonna be a hot guy when i come out of commandos... lol... watch out, i may be shredding snakes, frogs, insects in front of you... LOL...

perhaps i am just insignificant in front of her, maybe i wasn't loud enough, maybe she just ignored me, maybe perhaps she hates me for some reason... and maybe, only maybe, she was shy? nah, can't be... she's never shy... well... perhaps i am really nothing to her afterall...

wrok hard guys... its comming, and its gonna be gone...

thursday

2008-07-17T23:09:00.004+08:00

no time left, gotta work damn hard, if not i will not be able to go to university for the very least of my dreams to even come true... stressed, demoralised, tired, and even distracted... but hey, just gotto do it no matter what... i gotta motivate myself at least... why even give up? theres still time, i can do it... gotta push hard, do the best i can...

i need to motivate myself, no ones gonna be there to motivate me... i need to do it, i need more confidence, and i will do it...

must work hard, mug like never before... CHEONG AR!!!

sometimes... its just difficult to even imagine...

it will be great if you were to stay in school a little longer...

who says a CD shop is a boring place... its the best place for me... at least...

thursday

2008-07-17T17:08:00.002+08:00

the COMPASS test was really difficult, i am quite demoralised now, and also very tired... the test took 5 hours, and it was strenuous... i doubt i can be a pilot... i had plenty of mistakes, the only test that i score was on flying... the other tests like patterns was terrible, especially those coordinations things...

argh... i am so disappointed... damn...

thought about her again... guess i am not over her after all...

gotta go back to study...

lifes pretty sad for me i guess... the again, like elvis said... "Self pity ain't no pity at all..."

not seeing her makes me feel kinda wierd... well...

work hard guys...

sunday

2008-07-13T14:12:00.002+08:00

many things happened over the week in school, i am currently sick again, down with flu, sore throat, fever... wonder if i can go to school tomorrow...

prelims is round the corner, have not done anything much... i need strength, from you guys and God too... please pray for me guys... i really need it... if not i will really break down...

thanks antonious for his email... gonna pray real hard, believe that God will provide... i cannnot depend on my own strength...

thanks sheena for your econs notes... ITS DAMN GOOD!!!

was having consultation on friday when i saw an ex-SRJCian, he wore the air force uniform... i guess he is a pilot trainee... if not why wear the attire... he sure looked damn cool... if he can do it... why can't i? anyway... gotta put in more effort, like nash... at least i know i have done my best...

<object width="425" height="344">

i wanna do that... oh yea...

monday

2008-07-07T22:36:00.003+08:00

demoralised, nothing seems to go into my head, there is still so many things i do not understand, i feel so useless, theres no more time, i can't seem to control my life, gonna take the air force aptitude test next week, i am not prepared, my confidence is too low, i can't seem to get things right.

seriously, i need someone to talk, i need to cry... i am breaking down...

you can definatley do alot by just talking to me...

i need my guitar

sunday

2008-07-06T12:01:00.002+08:00

many many things are going through my mind now... i am tired, i am demoralised, i feel like shit...

emotionally, i think i am in some crap that i don't even know about it... this person is really scarring the shit out of me, on the other hand, theres this other person whom you all don't know at all... that, i am confused totally to what mom has mentioned about her... but, she is really nice... have not seen her in years...

physically, i am tired, coughing like mad now... i am sick, my throat hurts, my back ache is back again, i am always tired...

i am struggling now... like drowning, and some things aren't helping at all...

i can't complain though, i choose this path, plus the fact that you guys are always encouraging me... i will push on...

congrats to all in the SRJC shooting team, especially to lq, for taking the overall Gold medal, and for bryan for qualifying for nationals track and field... all the best guys...

thanks for han rong, xue feng, and jin bin for their thoughts, as for cheong wei... no comments...

作詞: YUI 作曲: YUI
だからいま　会いにゆくそう決めたんだポケットの　この曲を君に聴かせたい
そっとヴォリュームを上げて確かめてみたよ
oh Good-bye days　いま変わる気がする昨日までに　so longかっこよくない優しさがそばにあるから~with you
片方の　イヤフォンを君に渡すゆっくりと　流れ込むこの瞬間
うまく愛せていますか?たまに迷うけど
oh Good-bye days　いま変わり始めた　胸の奥　alrightかっこよくない優しさがそばにあるから~with you
できれば　悲しい想いなんてしたくないでもやってくるでしょ?そのとき　笑顔で　Yeah hello!! my friend　なんてさ言えたならいいのに…
同じ唄を　口ずさむ時そばにいて　I wishかっこよくない優しさに会えてよかったよ
…Good-bye days

a girl, a guitar, nice voice, what more can you ask?

ought to be back studying...

you seen not to mean anything to me already... guess time has made me lost all the feelings i thought i had for you...

sunday

2008-06-29T11:58:00.003+08:00

many things to say, not enough time

1. for the past year, i believe i have mistaken many things, and one of this things, simply means that i had my emotions all mixed up, i fell in love with being in love... understand? perhaps thats why i seem to be so confused... i was too caught up about the feeling of being in love, which is... wrong... you are supposed to like someone cos you really like the person the way she is... well, sort of true, but i am gonna be honest... i was more into how it will be like, to like someone, which is rather wrong... yes, i know i am not making any sense... but yea...

2. jin bin and me wrote a teacher's day song and it was damn good... but its in Chinese... so yea, not many of you guys might appreciate it... but its very meaningful... i kinda felt emo when listening to the song... so yea... its damn nice... if the class can perform it together... it will be damn good...

3. i received a letter from RSAF recruitment... I AM GONNA TAKE THE COMPASS TEST!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS!!!! i was so excited... its gonna take 5 hours, all about some skills i guess... oh yea... RSAF... the first sentence was... "thank you for your interest in the post of Pilot".... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i was so nervous when i receieved the letter, my heart was pounding... omg... oh yea... the 17th of july... mr yang says i can go for it... YES! just hope that everything will go well

4. failed my midyears like an asshole... have not told anyone at home... i think i am gonna die so soon... but thanks for all the people whom encouraged me... (about a handful) thanks all you guys, gonna work hard and i promise i will not let you guys down.

5. got 12 more stamps till i complete the 100km challenge, that means about 2 more weeks, gonna run after school, and yea... complete the challenge... do something for 21 days and it will become a habit...

6. stayed in school the whole week to study, still got many things to do, especially the tys... gotta do my best now, no turning back, just wanna do this and get over with this, though i may have failed, its not the end right? jog on right marcus? i will bro, i will... thanks to bean too... you guys can continue to use the tag board to go gay... i can't be bothered...

7. i still find her pretty much different... two words... she rocks

8. gotta get new guitar strings, must clean my baby

9. the black knights flew over my house again yesterday... encouragement....

10. gonna buy Yui's new album, i love yesterday tomorrow... who wanna follow me? MJ rocks! so does heartland mall.

if only right? if only...

only implies to...
1. the class to be united
2. her
3. my A level results
4. fighter pilot
5. my mp3 is a l60gig Ipod

WD

2008-06-22T18:25:00.007+08:00

A meal at home on a Thursday, mom made it... spaghetti with prawns, squid, basil leaves and some coriander... olive oil and some garlic...

strawberry milk shake to go with the spaghetti...

random pictures taken from my window... not really good quality...

6 am in the morning... my room...

kallang

national stadium

my dream car... Lamborghini - Gallardo Superleggera

what was i thinking yesterday? portobello mushroom burger...

school reopens tomorrow... i am quite worried... not sure if i finished all my homework... i miss the holidays... i wish i could live like that forever... oh well, i guess we all have to move on...

worried about the A level's... seriously worried... like i know nothing at all... time is running out...

staying in school tomorrow, and i guess pretty much the whole of the week... back to the JC lifestyle again...

theres PE tomorrow, can we play something? soccer? touch rugby? anything?

theres econs tutorial tomorrow... damn...

seems like marcus is right...

the feeling will soon run out, i guess its running out... have kinda accepted the fact... ah i really don't know... just that... perhaps i am kinda immune to it? no matter what, if its for me to feel this way, its working...

well... nothing has really changed since the holidays, i am still pretty fat... no "enlightenment" what so ever... its a new start tomorrow... hope things will go well...

taking part in some marathon on the 29th of feb... 10km... wonder if i will survive that crap... ah... just try right? ask so much questions for what? boys should try everything right? so yea... hope you dun see the headlines of another person dying after a marathon...

as always... waking up will be tough tomorrow, but yea, after all these days, with the Black Knights flying over my house giving me the adrenaline rush so much so that i shriek everytime they fly past... guess what, i can swear this over my balls... I SAW A BLACK KNIGHT PULLING A HIGH G TURN WITH AFTER BURNER... I SWEAR... DAMN... you guys should see the flame at the back of the engine... it was so damn cool... the sound... oh man...

how can i not want to be a fighter pilot?

went to carl's junior yesterday, i really lost it i guess... was craving for some super nice juicy burger, plus crisscross fries... oh man... it was enjoyment...

how am i supposed to slim down?

alright... so...

John Mayer: Daughters

how can you not love john mayer? thanks marcus... john mayer will continue to stay in my mp3 for a long long time...

if i only had such a sexy voice like him...

no turning back already... all the way...

as for the week to come... please John Mayer... accompany me? LOL...

song of the week... for me at least...

Eagles of Death Metal - I Want You So Hard...
>

if i could only do that with my guitar... oh yea...

wed

2008-06-18T18:46:00.011+08:00

well... went for swimming today, was expecting the sun to give me a nice tan, but the sun was just not up today... oh well... went to have lunch outside today... was all alone, but i guess it was kinda fun... being alone and stuff... at least i get to do things that i really want... i wonder if this is a good thing or not, but i do feel that i can't live like that for a long time, its afterall... a loner kinda lifestyle... not really good for one person right?

homework... its almost done... i guess, revision? none... never did anything... school's gonna start next week and i am not prepared at all... i still wanna live like now, sleeping late, waking up late... go for run in the evening, watch a little tv then do homework... its kinda nice... but like always, all the nice things come to an end right? nothing is gonna last forever...

oh well, went out with the guys in class on monday, went to eat sushi, i was like a desperate beggar, i ate like theres not tomorrow, everything just came from the conveyor belt, (thanks to lq and lennon) and into my mouth... yes yes, i admit i was really selfish when it came to the sashimi, i never shared with anyone... LOL... i just ate it by myself... having to sit with people you really know and have a great time eating and talking, sure is great... i enjoyed myself, while stuffing myself silly... ha, the rest of the guys sat at another table, went there to see that that had a big plate of what used to be hand rolls... heard from hr that its about 12 pieces... LOL, i was not surprised when i heard it was all cw's idea... i kinda expect that he will do something like that... lol... in the end, i was seated with the rest, and everyone came and we squeezed together around the table... ha... i must say we had a great time, too bad bryan had to go early...

went to watch kung fu panda and then went to play cs... went home early... just needed some time alone after the long day... sat down at home like a pig...

back to today... marcus sng, my bro, seems to be suicidal, damn, i am really worried about him, he is not online... bro... watch yourself man... will pray for you...

then i am here, just thinking and thinking... about my life, and everything... its the same old story... you know... i don't have to repeat... just that i feel i am not doing enough for myself...

they say memories will last forever, i believe it, after the times i spent all my 18 years on this earth, there are many things that i still remember, like the time i spent is the Philippines with my buddies... if memories will last forever, i am kinda hoping that it will only apply to stuff that will really mean something... was thinking if i was gonna live my life continuing to think about her, i guess i will never move on... then again, i am stuck in the middle, not knowing what i should do... i should be thinking of studying and worrying about the A levels... like everyone else... i guess that is a more appropriate thing to do... well...

was really thinking about myself... the things i have done, the way i am... should i change myself? am i really ok? i really wonder about my future, the person that i will be... the things that i may do in the future...

looking at myself... i kinda see a loser... i just can't seem to get things right... i feel really bad for my parents for being a person that i am...

i dun really know what the heck i am talking about now, but i need to pick myself up again, gotta be strong, be positive... if everyone is/are/can/am doing it, i guess i should do the same to, just gotta quit thinking about quiting and just do... perhaps i tend to equate my situation with the things that are happening around me... i guess i have to change myself... after all, i gotta be strong...

i miss all the people i know back in SA... i miss so many people, my class mates, the teachers, everybody...

i will wear back the no.1 uniform you see up there... doubt there are many people around whom is able to wear such a uniform even before they step in to the army... i really wanna wear the no.1 uniform again if i become a fighter pilot... perhaps when i get married... i will be in the air force... oh well... i guess i am more than i expected... right? maybe, maybe not... but i need to be more confident about myself...

alright... was doing physics yesterday when i felt really tired, i was giving up on myself, i wanted to sleep but i told myself not to, i pushed on, to the very max... when i was almost giving up, after 4 hours of homework... this was what i saw...

\

sorry if i sound like a young boy... but i was really so excited... i was behaving like a child... THE BLACK KNIGHTS FLEW OVER MY HOUSE LIKE NOBODIES BUSINESS... I WAS SO EXCITED... IMMEDIATELY, I WAS BACK TO MY WORK... of course... after the black knights did their stuff... yea... the airforce...

well, the song from the previous post... always be... if you watched it, read the lyrics, yea... thats how i am feeling now... the situation that i am in... ah... growing up...

maybe i should not be so shy...?

rock on...

2008-06-16T10:34:00.001+08:00

jimmy eat world : always be

Could've been a night like any other
One of us has to drive
One of us gets to think
I'll force a laugh to break the silence
It's gonna get harder still
Before it gets easy
You can't keep safe what whats to break
I'm alone in this
I'm all as I've always been
Right behind what's happening
She's all lost in this
She's all like she'll always be
A little far for me to reach
I was just a boy like every other
I thought I was something fierce
I thought I was ten times smarter
Love would be something that I just know(Something I just know)
How you gonna know the feeling till you've lost it
I've been losing plenty since
I'm alone in this
I'm all as I've always been
Right behind what's happening
She's all lost in this
She's all like she'll always be
A little far for me to reach
Maybe something else I'm missing
Something good and your the reason
It's a dream but there's a real long wedding
I'm alone in this
I'm all as I've always been
Right behind what's happening
She's all lost in this
She's all like she'll always be
A little far for me to reach
I'm alone in this
I'm all as I've always been
Right behind what's happening
She's all lost in this
She's all like she'll always be
A little far for me to reach

saturday

2008-06-14T23:55:00.002+08:00

well, perhaps i am wrong... people actually care... i was too ignorant about the things around me... i guess i need sometime alone and start to think everything all over again... there are still things like my studies and "other" stuff that i gotta think about... well...

perhaps i am not alone in this... oh well... thanks...

then again, there are still problems that aren't solved... things that are still, relatively, new to me, well...

should i continue to think about it? i really dunno, but one things for sure, can't get it off my mind...

well...

perhaps its not meant to be, then again... maybe, maybe i am wrong...

matchbook romance : promise

nice song, thanks bryan...

saturday

2008-06-14T11:58:00.002+08:00

well, been mugging lately, i kinda lost it these feel days... as in like really lost my mind... i am seriously in the state of panic now... i have not been sleeping these few days, just laying on my bed the whole night... sleeping at about 5 in the morning... waking up at 10... i am seriously going mad... there is so many things that i thought i understand, but i know nothing... chemistry have been and will continue to be hell, maths is still like shit, i have not touch econs, physic is driving me mad...

i am considering if i should stop school now... i think i am better off in the poly, i cannot survive the A level system... i am gonna fail... and i am here, wasting money on tuition that never seem to help me at all... you know how screwed i feel now? like i have been gang raped in the ass until i can feel nothing...

i guess by saying that i am losing it, its kinda like an understatement... cos i think i am mad... there is so many things on my mind, the pressure is getting to me... i think i am going reach the threshold... then breakdown... i am kinda like expecting it... theres no one to turn to to talk to... everyone seems to be in control with their lives except me... sometimes i really ask myself what am i doing this for...

please, this is not like an emo post, i am really feeling like shit now... can somebody just listen and help? i am feeling kinda depressed now... its like everything i do, the success rate will be like 0%? i am expecting to be in the "meet the parent's session" and the teacher will sure go saying i am not doing my homework, i am still playing games, i am not hardworking, all the bad stuff... i am sure thats what they will say... is it my face? is it the way i am that people look at me and see that i am some slacker? fuck...

perhaps its a wrong choice to be in a jc... this system is way beyond me... i just can't seem to grasp the concept behind stuff... going to school seems to be a time for me to rot, to mix around with people so different to me... everyone seems just so in "phase" with everything except me... am i bound for failure? seems like this is the period of time that i am SUPPOSED to fail... what's gonna happen to me in the future?

where are the pals that are with you and will always be with you no matter what? what ever happened to the friends that will listen to you, be there for you? perhaps this is how life is? friends come and go, the best ones always go like the wind... while those "Secondhand friend" will always be there... i seem to be like the "Secondhand friend"... fade in the background, then when you need somebody, then like the last resort, come and find me... everyman for himself i guess...

perhaps my needs for a friend is different from the rest of the people out there... maybe i am just mad, perhaps i already lost it... but seriously, i am breaking down... nothing seem to go the way i want it to go no matter how hard i try, how much effort i put into things...

do i need sometime off? like just relax? fuck... i have no more time... its running out, there is so little time and yet, i feel as though i know nothing in school at all... while everyone is on par with the teacher, i myself see the teacher as though he or she is speaking something so alien...

consultation just seem so useless when the teacher just seem to spent the time with you cos he or she needs to... where are the teachers that will nudge you along the corridor, say hi, ask you how are things? compliment on something you have done... well...

perhaps its time to grow up and face the world? perhaps this is what they describe in books, the cruel world...

there are so many questions in my mind now, and it seems that i myself is going through all these... perhaps this is the situation to see whom are the friends that would really be friends... then again, i myself, am i a good friend? i can't even support myself... how am i supposed to go help others...

alone and helpless... with things just not going your way, life couldn't get any better right?

help? anyone?

well...

perhaps...

just do, don't ask why...

tuesday

2008-06-10T23:13:00.003+08:00

what a day today... i returned to my old self and mugged the whole day... i did chem today, see if my mood allows, i will read a little econs later... ah heck, i am much happier reading Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential and A Cook's Tour... damn, he is one guy that sure knows how to enjoy his life...

you might be thinking, wow, kennethlimjunliang, you are sure damn hardworking... doing your homework... ha... you gotta be kidding... even people in poly are working their asses off with projects and tests and assignments... all i did today was chem... nothing to be proud of... besides... i still have tonnes of homework not done at all... i bet some people in school have already finished their work and are doing tys now... oh well... then again... university admission... after all, its just like what? 4 months? doing things little by little you see... so yea... kinda bragging, but thats what i should do right?

being honest again... i spent most of the day just thinking about her... i am getting damn fucking sick of this shit... i am really wasting time on her... no point living my life like that... thinking about her, where i can transfer those energy and time on something else... damn... i am seriously damn sick and tired of this... i can't stand this crap... theres no point doing this at all... as if she will fall for me... fuck... i bet some guy in school is already after her... what am i doing then? wasting my time thinking about her, trying to change the way i do things, the way i talk to people, the way i look at myself, the way i would like to talk to her... the way i carry myself... fuck... this is so damn tiring... i am really being pulled down by this stupid emotions of mine... ha, looking back now, i feel like an idiot... i am beginning to wonder if i have spent more time thinking about her than concentrating on my studies...

i am jumping to conclusions... i am very pissed... i am pissed with myself for this whole crap... why can't i just be like myself? why do i want to be somebody that i think she might like? why do i feel so inferior, why can't i treat her like other girls... why? why did i even fall for her? fuck... i give up... theres no point in it anyway... after all, she might already fall for someone else already... someone more capable, better than me... so much for trying to be confident in front of her... ha... foolish... why do i even care so much about her?

then again, what have i really done to sort of like hint to her...? nothing... see how dumb am i? then now here i am falling for her... how smart is that? its like going to the toilet to shit hoping there will be toilet paper and after you shit, find nothing there to clean your ass... how nice...

then now i ask myself, why am i feeling like that... i am fucked...

i know i am gonna change my mind again...

oh well...

back to work...

i need some sashimi now...

monday

2008-06-09T22:28:00.003+08:00

alright...

yea...

erm...

yah...

ok...

er...

well...

went to see an optician on sunday... yesterday... my specs got totally screwed... i am on scotch tape now, to hold the frame in place... look like a super nerd... you know, nerd...

the optician says my eye sight is getting from bad... to worst... 275 for each eye now, damn... increased by 100 degrees since i last saw him last year... ok... he says too much time in front of the computer, and maybe studying... LOL... the former is more precise... he says its bound o get worst if i do not take care of it... he says i gotta wear specs now, like permanently... that means everywhere i go... and thats really, really bad... cos i look like a punching bag... its just my face i think... it already look like... "@(@$(($*@_)" with the specs on... i guess i will look like an asshole... ha... alright... no choice... gotta protect those eyes of mine... if not... theres no need to even think about RSAF... so yea... be prepared to see the asshole...

i have been running lately, or you can say jogging... 30 rounds every alternate days... thats a good 1 hr 30 mins all spent at toa payoh stadium... my ankles are giving me a hard time... it hurts, then stings when i hit 15 rounds... i can't run straight... hurts real bad... but still... for the sake of slimming down... gotta do it...

went to church with my parents yesterday... during service, there's this part where you go around shaking hands with other people, you know, like say hello, plus "God bless you" etc... then i turned to mom... raised my hands up... she looked at me... with the "cold blank stare"

"i am your mom you know... you ought to give me a hug... not a hand shake..." i looked at her... puzzled... "you are just like your dad... sometimes, you gotta show love... not just say... and show it appropriately... i worry for you... don't forget i will leave you one day... and it maybe too late to show me love..."

i remained silent the whole service... the pastors words kinda became irrelevant (i am being honest)

that has certainly got me thinking again... wonder how am i gonna treat my wife next time... (if i, by any chance, would get married). will i be like my father? so cold? i keep telling myself not to be like him, but i seem to feel that i am becoming like him... i gotta chance... be a better person than he is... i am not saying that my dad is lousy or anything, but sometimes, perhaps dad's just... cool... too cool... like a cucumber in the freezer... but he's changed... but theres still more that he can do... and i won't wanna be like him... gotta be a better father, a better husband, and even a better son...

honestly, it did not occur to me that i should show more love to my parents... especially this year, everything is all about tuition, about school, about me, myself and i... i certainly become really selfish when it comes to this stage of my life... everything seems to be about me... theres more to life than just studying... after all... the things that me and my mom had gone through, i doubt you guys would even understand... those were the painful times... things have become better, and i should be more appreciative of my parents, especially mom... oh well...

marcus sng... my sous chef, my partner in crime, my buddy, my lover, my guitar man, my friend, my love... God bless this dude... just ask how bad we treated Bean... lol... the man that used the word "deh" like nobody's business... this man... is one man... that i have loved to hate... LOL...

marcus sng, being some sort of a counter part like me... hecks about homework, could not give 2 hoots about lessons, always looking for something to do, something that will cause harm, and sometimes even death of someone... i remember the times we brought our guitars and just played behind class... the times we spent playing soccer, and even the times we just did nothing and just crapped about everything and anything... the rivalry we had in every fifa... always losing to his italy... (bastard)... the zinc ribbons we stole in chem lab, the times we tried to burn eevann with lighted splints... the times we would talk about girls... and the best of all, music... he was the supplier, and we would just sing in class, talk about music... and yea... the guy that will gladly
allow you to cut queue during recess, the guy that laugh's so contagious... you can't stop when he starts...

well, i guess we all change... but somethings still does not change... especially when it comes to emotions...

oh well... marcus... perhaps we should meet up sometime... bring along some beer, some ice, some cocaine, pills, marijuana, heroin... and lets just do all it takes to relive us from the pain... lol...

you know, sometimes, its just signs that tell you something... some signs are just so obvious, while some are just so subtle... that one does not realise it at all... i personally feel, that i have done it all wrong, my worst nightmare just happened... things did not turn out the way that i thought it should... while marcus could still do sth to change the girl's mind... i need to cover up the tracks, to clean up the dirt... take out the trash... i personally feel, and strongly belief that the words that i myself have typed here over the past month has been the trap... or shall i say, the cause of all the problem? perhaps i was wrong about myself, thinking that no one would read this blog...

totally forgotten about controlling my emotions... i was warned, and yet i could not contain myself, self control was not practiced, and i let my emotions take the better of me... perhaps i am still looking for someone to talk to, perhaps theres no one to listen to me, perhaps i am just crazy... anyway... i guess i just ruin all the chances i had (if i had any)

maybe this is a double edged sword... perhaps i am the cause of all this... but yea... things aren't going the way i supposed will go...

after all, is it wrong to have feelings for somebody? for my case, its yes... its definitely wrong for a person like me to like another... especially so when i have the gut feeling that i am pretty much the under average guy... though many people try to be nice and say otherwise... perhaps thats why she seems to avoid me...

i am not looking down on myself, its just that i am really... well... nothing... so much for having such a big dream when all my actions does not reflect the person i want to be... my results suck, i look like a train wreck, i got poor public/human relationships, i am not popular... neither am i anything worthy to be praised about...

lets be honest here... i am crazy about her, i go nuts about her... i try to be brave, but i still fail... i don't know how to "show" how i feel... i know its not the time to be thinking of such things now especially so when i have the A levels... but its just that... argh... what can i say?

i guess i have fallen in love with her...

oh well... no point saying things are just so one sided...

sometimes, i really wonder when i will pick up the courage to talk to her... its not as if i have not done it before... then again... after what mom have said... i guess theres more to than just words... my actions would also play a big part... will it break me? will it solve the problem...

well... it all depends on what she will say right?

i know i sound like a desperate asshole plus a mama's boy... but well... sometimes... you never know whats gonna happen tomorrow...

maybe she will change my mind... as for now... i feel kinda lousy about myself...

then again... perhaps being friends would be better...

saturday

2008-06-07T15:17:00.004+08:00

went out with some of the people from class for an outing... lol, with joanne, hui wen, bryan, cheong wei, han rong, xue feng.... meet at east coast, had macs, and went for cycling... i must now say that bryan's hair is super cool... damn nice... you guys should have seen it... lol

during the bus ride, went pass St. Andrew's village... mixed reactions... i miss the school, and all my friends back there, i regretted not studying hard enough, i felt jealous, i used to come from a school with everything... i felt happy that i was from SA... school was always fun, i always look forward to school... but then again, now, i have some really cool classmates/schoolmates in SRJC... be it the people in class, in my cca, the people that play touch rugby, the track and field guys, the touch rugby gals, some shooting club people, people from other class, the "tripartite of the halo 2", the OGLs, the OG people... give and take

in the end... only the guys were cycling cos jaonne and hui wen were faced with some "difficulties"... so the guys decided to cycle to changi village.... and we did... it was about 8+ km away from east coast... and we cycled... lol, it was really fun... and tiring... my ass was numb... now my ass is like half cramp, half numb... like suddenly, the left cheek would like start to spasm... then stop, then the right cheek will start to tick... LOL...

its during such times where one would really think alot, about how a few people, from different back grounds, different ways of living their past 17 years of their lives, can meet in one place, and still be able to relate and enjoy each other's company... its really weird when i look back now... it seems as though everything is planned out for us... i was really thankful to have these guys as my friends...

after some soyabean at changi village, we cycled back to east coast... that was where han rong lost it... he went berserk and cycled so fast, that even bryan had a hard time catching up... lol... he was freaking fast... i could not stop laughing the whole time we were cycling... you should see the way han rong was cycling, it was like theres no tomorrow... lol...

met lin qiang and lennon on the way, timothy and some 2s18 people... they were having class chalet... cool right? saw some friends too... so nice that they are having some class outing... oh well...

played a little soccer, then went to bath... and we headed to parkway parade to have dinner... the gals left early cos they wanted to catch some 9 o'clock show... did not get to talk to them much... so the guys went to the arcade... but first, was to top man...

bryan wanted to buy some shirt... damn, he sure look good in those tees... lol... they asked me to try some clothes... i wanted too... but my fats will be like dangling out... lol... i personally like those shirts... it was really nice... but i do not have the built for it... yes... built... bryan sure look damn good in those tees... i need to slim down... i am desperate now...

the first thing we played was the basket ball thingy... those arcade game where you threw the balls in to the hoop... lol, it was really addictive... of course, being noobs, we did not scored really well... until some young guy, about 13 years old... cam forward... and played the game... guess what, he beat the high score and scored 700++ points... while we can only manage to score about what? 120+ points? lol... respect up for that dude... han rong, then wanted to play some bowling game... it was really kiddy... and it was like so easy to cheat... one guy just bowl... if the remaining pins are still remaining... just ask your friend to push the rest down... i think that was when the psychotic rage got from han rong to bryan... he went crazy getting the kicks of putting down all the pic manually for a "Strike"... LOL... i guess that was went we all went mad... totally lost control of ourselves... HA!

the games did not go to waste, cos there were points redeemed... we changed them for drinks... ha... so... not all have gone to waste... i am currently still addicted to the game... can we go again guys?

took a bus alone home... it was a pretty long bus ride home... about 45 minutes... of course, my mp3 was my companion... the song "hero/heroine" kicked in... it is sang by boys like girls,

It's too late baby, there's no turning around

I've got my hands in my pocket and my head in a cloud

This is how I do

When I think about you

I never thought that you could break me apart

I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart

You want to get inside

Then you can get in line

But not this time
Cause you caught me off guard

Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
I won't try to philosophize

I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes

This is how I feel

And it's so surreal

I got a closet filled up to the brim

With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons

And I don't know why

You'd even try

But I won't lie
You caught me off guard

Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?
And I feel a weakness coming on

Never felt so good to be so wrong

Had my heart on lockdown

And then you turned me around

I'm feeling like a new born child

Every time I get a chance to see you smile

It's not complicated

I was so jaded
And you caught me off guard

Now I'm running and screaming
I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?
(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)And I feel a weakness coming on

Never felt so good to be so wrong

Had my heart on lockdown

And then you turned me around(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)

I'm feeling like a new born child

Every time I get a chance to see you smile

It's not complicated

I was so jaded
(I feel like a hero and you are my heroine)And I feel a weakness coming on

Never felt so good to be so wrong

Had my heart on lockdown

And then you turned me around(Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?)

I'm feeling like a new born child

Every time I get a chance to see you smile

It's not complicated

I was so jaded.

well... i feel so stupid, so "cliche" saying all these stuff... like so "trendy"... wonder if i am going mad... but music... is not just music i believe... its more of a person's emotions on an issue... oh well... this song kinda describe how i feel now...

its such an irony... you know, putting in emotions for someone you like... and yet, the other party does not know (or does not even want to care) i can go on ranting, blabbering about how i feel, and yet, the other person, can just feel nothing at all... we all know that this is an important year, A levels... but sometimes, like every other human... i know i am selfish and greedy... i am not blaming it on human weakness , perhaps its just me, perhaps its normal to feel like that, perhaps i am really crazy... but i have met someone of my dreams... you know, the person that you always wanted... oh well... we all know that such stuff is more complicated that an 18 year old can understand, let alone comprehend...so... should i continue to be in this state of mind? or should i forget about it... i have tired the second option... it did not work...

then again, if i eventually just leave things as it is... would it be good? in anyway? worst, would someone is the world be better? as for now... i can dare say... she is seriously... quite hard to find...

then again, i ask myself, what is this thing... this topic all about... "relationship"... what is this really all about? looking at it from another angle... is it more of a personal gain? i look at myself, i feel selfish... its like... everything revolves around me and me only...

can somebody please help me?

thursday

2008-06-06T01:30:00.003+08:00

today was kinda "special"... after a long long time, i finally went out with mom for breakfast... oh well, seems like things are not going better... the doc says mom still has to continue to take medication to stop the bleeding, sth wrong with her womb or sth... dunno whats really happening, might need to remove it if its still bleeding... oh well... pray that she will be alright...

went to the market with mom today, bought some pork chops for dinner... i was in charge of making potato salad... its was simple... helped mom in the kitchen in the late afternoon making the potato salad...

before that, help mom do some house chores... clean the tables, fold some clothes... went to fulfil my mission, to listen to my mp3, while lying on my bed, wasting my time away... oh yea... it sure feels damn good... i soon fell asleep while love psychedelico was playing "standing bird"

its kinda weird, but the night before, i was certain that i will have some nightmares related to doom 3 or hell... well oh well... i dreamt about her... not my mom... her... goodness... and in the afternoon, while i was "relaxing"... i also dreamt about her... i think i am really crazy... like mad... i just can't stop thinking about her... the dreams well... was everything nice...

ok... i can't stop thinking about her... and the best thing of all... i really dunno what she has done that caused me to be so... "obsessed" with her... goodness... i guess the way she is is sufficient for me to go mad... i feel so childish... like some young girl yearning for prince charming... its all so... surreal, she like... argh... i dunno how to describe her...

its like, i am too shy to ask, i am too proud to loose... but sooner or later i gotta choose...

i am seriously falling into what i like to term the "young girl" thing... always yearning for my "prince charming" but of course she is a girl...its like... so... childish and so fake... then again, it does not seem so...

i really don't know how to react when i see her... i just stop... and just look at her... thats all i do... shucks...

alright...

the potato salad went well... i think... it was damn nice... lol...

gonna start work soon, can't slack no more... i have passed the threshold, theres not turning back now...

wed

2008-06-04T23:23:00.005+08:00

i just came from hell, and i will be going back in... DOOM 3 is giving me the creeps, i think its the creepiest game i have every played... should i continue to play... tonight... all alone, with my head phones... i jumped out of my seat three times today... cos the game really freaked me out... lol... it was quite fun too... killing demons, and funny looking creatures...

its quite freaky, but sure damn fun... gonna play the expansion tmr i guess... maybe if i can survive tonight, i will play the expansion...

my head is killing me again... its hurts again... oh well... panadol extra will do the job i hope...

all right, i am gonna scare myself to release stress... feels as if someones watching me... LOL

how about some real classy music by love psychedelico?

your song...

my lunch for today, a large milk tea from koi... same as the one i had in taiwan...

so long suckers! gonna vomit tonite after i fight all evil and save earth...

for the hood yoz~

realised how cute you can actually be...

tuesday

2008-06-02T23:23:00.006+08:00

its all over... for a limited time only... i can finally relax... for now only... oh well... i am really tired, physically and emotionally... its time for a rest... after working so hard... oh well...

went to watch soccer yesterday... singapore VS some really funny name country... of course, singapore lost... 7 -3... LOL... oh well... it was a really nice time, shouted like mad, all the stress just concentrated on shouting... LOL... watched singapore scored a goal... everyone just jumped up...lol... the feeling was damn good... of course, the most important thing was spending time with people that matters alot in your life... good friends... HA, i myself had a super time... everything was so nice... all the fans, the supporters... everything was so "imaginary"... i was really hyped and excited... oh well... i really had a great time...

wanted not to come for the class photo taking today... many things happened because of it... had a quarrel with my parents... they did not want me to go for the class photo taking, cos they did not want me to be late for the NS check up... on the other hand...i was negotiating with them that i will go for the class photo taking, then rush down to the place... oh well... they are still kinda angry with me, cos they think as a 18 year old, i should know whats important and whats not... they are just very concerned about me... i know... but then, sometimes, when both things might seem to different to them, it is different for me... after all, 2s17/1s20, i have spent at least 12 months with these people... each of them are after all my friends... so yup, i am glad i made the decision... hope the photo will be nice...

the NS check up was a rather interesting one...first, we had to do the standard things... collecting passes, surrendering of camera phones... then off to take photos, then it was urine test... I COULD NOT AIM PROPERLY... the container was so bloody small... my ^#$%@ was like bigger... aiming was tough, collecting was worst... it was a rather... dirty job... LOL...

blood test was kinda cool... the guy that was "taking" my blood, was only his first week on the job... tabbed my hand, then took a spear like needle, only shorter and thinner, but equally sharper... he then pierced in the needle... without any anesthetics ok... saw the needle go in... and the blood just flow out... i was kinda getting some kick from it... it was not pain, rather ticklish... as the blood flow, the vein was like throbbing... so yea... kinda cool... i witnessed a needle got pierced through my skin ok... i felt super... MAN... took it like a man... (childish right...)

the other tests were just body check up, eye check up, etc... the most funny thing was, the DICK check up, asked me to take off my pants... i took off... the guy took a glance, then took another glance with his eye wide open... i was kinda shocked... i wonder what he was thinking... LOL... it was quite funny... you should see his "shocked cum WHAO" look... okok... i should not go into the details...

after that was some IQ test which i think i will do quite poorly... lol... some sections i could not finish... oh well... could not give much of a damn... just wanted to finish it...

we went to eat after that... botak jones... IT WAS DAMN GOOD!!!! had cajun chicken, basically chicken breast cooked and topped with cheese and some hot sause... it was superb... plus the FIRES... really enjoyed lunch... with lennon and lin qiang talking about our experience during the NS check up was damn funny...

decided to go to vivo to do some WINDOW shopping... lol...

the whole time while we were doing window shopping, it suddenly occured to me... everything that i own now, (except for my MP3 plus my songs-bought them myself OK!) all the other things are provided by my parents... the shirts that i liked, costs about 50+++ bucks, the shorts and everything about the same... how am i gonna survive in a place like singapore when everything that i like is just so expansive? lunch already cost about 10 bucks, if i was shopping, that will mean about 100 bucks spent... goodness, suddenly felt pretty screwed... whats my future like? what will happen when i get married? will i be able to support my family? or at least, am i able to survive in this country... i can't depend on my parents for the rest of my life right? dads getting old... the only thing i could do now is to study hard, and pursue my dream occupation...

we did many stupid things in vivo today, especially at TOY R US... played soccer like nobody's business... lol...

i realised also, that i am really a dinosaur... so many things i saw today was super new... and nice... freshbox's shirt still rocks the world! plus saw this bag at zinc... and i really like it... oh well... maybe i should go buy it... i must really go out more often...

i was and still thinking about her... ok, i seriously like her... i am going crazy over her...

who wanna run with me tmr? morning? lol... lets see aye...

sunday

2008-06-01T10:51:00.003+08:00

ok... today will be physics all the way, then after tmr , i am free... for a limited time only... oh well... looking forward for a class outing, we really need to have one class outing... was thinking along the "cliche" school of thought... somewhere able to accommodate the whole class, if we are all going, somewhere that people may wanna go... since no one is planning it... i guess i will have to plan it... so, yea, either sentosa, or somewhere else? bbq? i really dunno... anyway... if possible, hope every one can go... can meet in the morning, go play volley ball, soccer, Frisbee, touch rugby? maybe can even ask other class people to join in... i can prepare some food... maybe some people be in charge of drinks, etc...

oh well... lets see, if not, it will mean i will be sticking with han rong... go for sushi, maybe k box with the girls?

oh well, just thought that we all have worked our ass off this midyears, no harm taking a break for a few hours right? well, if possible, i would like to go back to pulau ubin... reminds me of the phillipines... besides, we can cycle too... but, its not a really good place for the class to be together right?

so will sentosa be the place? i am quite reluctant to go... cos... i am really afraid to take off my shirt... all the fats will be there... argh... oh well... lets see... if everyone is willing to go... i will just go... and enjoy myself...LOL... shake those fats of mine... get under the sun, have a nice sun burn, and maybe get a few scars from the different things that we may play?

wow, getting all excited already... then we can have a nice dinner at vivo? maybe han rong can bring me go shop... window shopping can be fun right?

if nobody wanna come, perhaps i will invite some of you guys to my house again? then we can play halo again... lol, the rivalry continues... then can have dinner, have some fun...

ok, thats the plan... but i still wish that maybe there is something that could be done for the class photo, maybe can we request that we take the class photo last? maybe on another day? i mean, an incomplete class photo, is not nice right? since we have to rush back for the SGC briefing, might as well share cab with lq hor? right lq? (bet his nodding as he read this,~ maybe the gay smile of his...) oh well...

just thought, since we have crossed roads to become in 2s17, why not we just try to know each other better? mix around?

ok, gonna suffer until 10 tonite... then i will sleep, and go do the paper tmr... alright... see you guys soon...

i am reminded again that my blog is being read by many people, guess is should lock my blog? oh well...

OH MY GOD... long hair... plus pretty, plus playing the piano... do you gals just now how attractive you gals can be if you play the piano? GOODNESS... i would fall for a girl like die... if a girl would play the piano for me... i will just die there... seriously... just die there... GOODNESS... cannon in c if i am not wrong, another variation of cannon in d... OH MY GOD... seriously, i would crash a lecture and do that...argh...

i will fall in love with a girl like that... like seriously go sleepless for months... thinking of someone like that will substitute sleep... LOL...extreme, but yea, you know what i mean...

this is a song that would really represent how i feel now, and what things should be like... when two person are in love...

i'm yours by jason mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it

I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted

I fell right through the cracksand now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out

I'll be giving it my bestest

Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention

I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love

Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me

Ah, la peaceful melodys

It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror

And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer

But my breath fogged up the glass

And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons

It's what we aim to do

Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with meah, la one big family ([2nd time:] ah, la happy family)

It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more

Oh no more no more no more

It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure

Theres no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more

This cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

can i say i'm yours?

i have already done so...

saturday

2008-05-31T23:21:00.003+08:00

physics is killing me... totally killing the living shit out of me...

regretted not studying hard enough for physics last year... and now i have to redo everything, restudy everything that makes so little sense to me... oh well... gotta continue this tmr, theres no running away from it... still gotta face it one fine day...

today is a rather normal day for me... was at home the whole day... and it finally rained... with lighting, and strong wind... finally... something that was exciting... the wind, the rain and the sound of the thunder just makes things... feel nice...

was grooving to love psychedelico today... the whole day... doubt many of you guys listen to them... a jap band, with really groovy music... lol... but most of it is sang in english... what an irony right? but the guitar solo, riffs, etc... is superb... its those sort of music you will listen to when you wanna have your beauty nap, as well as during the lazy sunday afternoon all alone in the room... man... i am gonna do that after the mid years... just sleep... and be alone...

read lq's blog... the reality of life struck me again... what really happens after the A levels? what happens if i don't make it? poly? what am i gonna do in poly? what is life goona be like in poly? when i will be so old already... 21 plus? in poly? goodness... i am not being a pessimistic person, but what really happens after that? i dun wanna think about it... the only solution, and i believe lq will agree with me, is to study hard, and make sure i do not end up in that route...

helped my mom cook today... she made otah today... lol, helped her fold all the otah into the aluminium foil, then be her food tester... honestly, how can your mother's food taste bad? it was damn nice... god... i ate 5 bowls of rice today... the otah was really superb...

looked at myself in the mirror today... i am seriously damn fat.... argh... i feel like shit, all the running and pull ups is not doing anything at all... ARGH... i wanna like go anorexia now, just puke everything that i eat, and go skinny... shit man... i am FAT... NEAR OBESE... pls... somebody... give me some pills...

i need to run more, and exercise more... cos i seriously, look like shit... i look like a bloody wanker high on drugs and still diggin it... i must go anorexia... LOL...

anyway...

i am tired... need to slp...

friday

2008-05-30T23:41:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be a very long post... i got many things to say... you are warned...

lets talk about today...

maths paper was... rather better than paper 1... but still... its bad... its another U grade... so is chemistry... i got 2 U grades for midyears already... great... for a JC 2 student about to take his A levels this year... oh well... i cannot give up right? gotta continue to learn from my mistakes... for the rest of my papers? oh well... lets not talk about it ok?

papers aside, went with bryan, cheong wei and han rong for brunch after paper... like always, we will be there, wondering what and where to have our lunch... we ended up having KFC... kenneth's fried chicken... i tell myself that i will only eat, AT MOST in a month, 1 time, and 1 time only, in a fast food restaurant (to call it a restaurant is an overstatement)... here am i, having eaten at a fast food restaurant the fifth time this month... i am growing fat... seriously... how am i going to retake my NAFA? argh...

i must say, this bunch of people, are one of the most random and eccentric people you will ever come across... lol, but they are just real cool people... their jokes are seriously "deep" and difficult to understand sometimes, and of course, their randomness is kinda extreme, but all in all, they are a really fun bunch of people to hang out with... we talked about everything... class, to girls, to HR'S AFFAIR... walau, hr, can you pls don't be like that? cheong wei will be very sad you know... LOL... oh well... went home after that...

i stoned the whole afternoon staring at my laptop's screen... i was pretty lost... like theres nothing to do (in fact, there are MANY things to do) i just stoned, and looked at her... just thinking... and thinking... and thinking...

read my dairy... the day before i entered in to SRJC...

"tomorrow is the day that i will step into the new school... there are so many things that i am looking forward to, especially, girls... to be honest, its not about looks, or other things, but rather, how are they actually like... 10 years in a boys school, i am really scared, i dunno what to do, perhaps it maybe good, perhaps it maybe bad... oh well... anyway, gotta keep my dream alive... still waiting for the SYFC reply for anything... hopefully i can get through... but, i must remind myself, no BGR, no girls in my life... i will work hard for my dream... RSAF.... "

and now i am here, thinking about her...

while running today, i was really thinking to myself... why am i trying to act as if nothing has happened? why do i WEAR A MASK, like as if i dun care about anything... why do i have to cheat myself... what ever happened to being true to myself and the people around me? why do i masquerade like i am not feeling anything? i am really into her... freak... i dreamt of her yesterday... so what if i "try" to hide my feelings... i can't even do it... told myself to forget about her, at least try... i managed to not think about her for a few days... and here i am dreaming about her...

why should i be this way? i gotta be true to myself and not wear a mask as if i am not affected by it... i really am and theres no point hiding anything or trying to be strong... i like her, thats it, period, full stop, the end... how she wants to respond to that... is her choice, i can't force her... but at least, i have to be true to myself...

i for now... (i maybe in the lovey dovey period) but i don't think she is what people say she is... perhaps theres another side to her? i am realy curious, i really want to know her more... she is just so... mysterious... then again... everything, theres give or take...

learnt in SAS that singleness is a gift... and besides, being in a relationship should be about glorifying God... will being with her actually do that?

i am more concerned (i know i am thinking too much) but, what can i actually offer to her? i do not know her well enough at all... its like... if, IF we actually get along... i guess it will be a stalemate... you know, like silence... after all, i am not the person whom always goes out, i don't hang out at different places, i am not the person thats good with words, i am not even the person people would look to for a talk... (i wonder what kind of friend am i... just another person when theres nobody around? sometimes, i do feel like a secondhand friend, if you know what i am talking... its just that... yea... sometimes, the way people treat me... is like when theres no one there, i am like the "last resort"...) i dun think i am the active type, let alone be the funny, approachable, friendly, sociable type... all i need is some space, music and my guitar... i can just survive like that... will anyone like a person like me? perhaps that why i have so little friends in school?

but then, shes different, she the kind of girl that i always have in mind... you know, they way she present herself, the way she talk, the way she does her stuff, and of course, the activities she take part in... GOODNESS... she is the ideal... but then, you can't get what you want... how?

besides, theres more to a relationship, will i be the boy that her parents will like? will i be the person that her friends would like? would i blend into her lifestyle? would i be someone she will be proud of? can i be accepted by her? will my parents like her? will people look at us and say that "hey, they are just one perfect match", will things work out?

sometimes, i just wonder if i will end up like my dad... sometimes, i just feel that she treats my mom pretty unfairly... mom complains about him... and its not a good sign... after all, he is a man, and he should be a man... but things just don't work out... i do not want to be like him... i want to be a person that is trust worthy, a person that my wife can count on, a father that my child will respect and idolise, a friend that people can trust... i want to be the right person... then again, we are human, we all have flaws...

its not that i am desperate, or i am like a trend follower... but its just that, i realised, even for a time like now, seems as though everyone is wearing masks around... one time they could be like that, the other time, they could just change... its really borthering me... i really wonder if i am like that... a person that wears masks... that is why i want to be frank with my emotions, my feelings, and the way i feel about things, i am really sorry if some of you guys think that i am too striaght forward... but i just do not want to be the person that wears masks around, i have seen too much, and i really hate such people... i find her true to herself, she is what she is, no masks, i find her honest to her feelings and what she do... she does not have the "ok, see it on the account that we are friends...etc" she is true to her feelings and her decision, something you don't see alot in girls... whatever she likes, she likes, whatever she hates, she hates... whether this is a good thing or not, i am really impressed by her... at least someone makes the effort to be true to themselves... thats why i find her so attractive, cos she is different...

i have seen too much and heard too much, i just cannot understand why people wear masks around... is there a need for it? perhaps thats why i seem to be so unpopular... i mean, if i don't like you, i don't, you might think i am finding excuses, a loner, someone whom just wanna go home and study, perhaps you guys gotta look at yourself sometimes... i just don't wanna be caught in the middle of something, a crisis, then my mask fall, i want to be what i am, to be true to myself, and the people around me... i want someone to see me as i am, not someone they THOUGHT they knew... so what if i am predictable? so expected? that is how i am, and that is how i will remain...

i am really not kidding when i say that i will not get married if i don't find the right gal... its just that, i have seen too much, how people changed after something happen-a crisis, and things just to break down,their mask just fall apart, the person they thought they know is not that person...

this may means less friends for myself, but at least my friends know how i am like, and how i will be, and such friends matters most...

thats is one thing i see in her... being true to oneself... selfish? self centered? rather...
对得起自己

then again, i maybe wrong...

sometimes, its really not about being emo, thinking too much, but its more about not falling into the trap... hope you guys understand what i am trying to say...

then again, i guess i seriously have a social problem... i have to many male friends... its not a bad thing, but i feel, kinda reflects badly for a person right? i mean, its not that i am sexist... but girls are just different... its not the kind where you can talk anything and everything with them... they are just different... and seriously, i still find it quite hard to talk or communicate with them... it feels very unnatural... unlike guys... i guess i am crazy...

picked up this real cool band... until june... and its song... wow...

>

perhaps i should tell how i feel... be a man to accept the answer, and move on...

shin ee, please don't stress yourself too much, nightmares occur because you are too stressed... so, please, chill... you tell me to chill, and you never chill... LOL... rock on...

rock on peeps, while i finish my bombing raid on a soviet convoy in a A-10 warthog and land in one piece...

peace to LOMAC...

wed

2008-05-28T23:12:00.002+08:00

i am back for the final post of the day... just realised that me and lq might not make it back for the class photo taking... its by an external vendor... its gotta be good... oh well... seems like we will not be able to take a photo as a class... is it fate? oh well... if theres anyway we can make it back in time... it will be damn good... but if not... then what can i say? an incomplete class photo?

after all... as much as we might hate the class, i believe we cannot live without it... after all... 2s17 is 2s17... this is still where we are... oh well... class photo... it will be great to cover up my wall with another class photo to the collection... oh well...

i am feeling quite lonely... like... i need friends... the exam period is killing me... theres so little interactions with people... and its killing me... how can one live like that? without talking to people? argh... i need to run, i need to kick some ball... i need to talk, i need to laugh... i need someone to talk to... ARHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok... now besides my headache... my stomach hurts too... it always happens when i am sitting for an exam...

oh well... tmr is gonna be another grueling 3 hours of hell... i really hope i can survive...

well... thats all... gonna slp and mug at 4am!!!!!! oh yea...

pim-ple go away,
come again another day,
go to hell for all i care,
pim-ple go away,
never show on my face again...

PIMPLES....SUCK!

wed

2008-05-28T17:29:00.002+08:00

i am really pissed off now... i seriously feeling like an ass now... nothing is going into my head now... why? i am seriously feeling like shit... like crap...

i feel so weak, so useless... goodness... why am i feeling like that anyway

i just gotta continue to work hard...

i will just do my best...

as for now, my head hurts, and i really need some cocaine, perhaps some heroin.... damn, i am felling real dreamy...

alright... all the best....

gotta be strong, and not let things pull me down so easliy, even if i fall, gotta pick myself up and work... after all, its just a few more months, a little more brain juice... its worth the sacrifice, its worth, this is the last lap, i gotta go all out or i will never make it... i will make it... i am not gonna die... never...

wed

2008-05-28T13:39:00.002+08:00

my head is killing me... i am having some serious headaches now.. gonna pop in some panadol to ease the pain... its chem tmr and i am really scared about it... maths is gonna be worst... oh well...

just gonna live with the pain and study...

i need more coffee, more caffeine, anything just to keep me awake and take the damn pain away...

feeling dizzy, and floaty at the same time...

bought a couple of albums at one go... i am crazy, but yea... just need some music therapy...

okok...

i gotta go...

if only....

tuesday

2008-05-27T20:43:00.004+08:00

i feel so ashamed to say this but yea... i guess i am screwed for the mid years... so much for preparing for it... the maths paper was really crappy... could not do it properly... feel so useless, stupid... oh well... heard some people saying the paper was super easy... thanks alot...

seriously, i am really thinking, why do i still fail when i have done so many work... it does not equate to the results that i show, even the teachers think i am playing a fool in school... can' t you guys just understand that i have really put in the effort, but the paper is just like that... i could not do it... i am not finding excuses for myself... i just can't figure out why i can do questions at home, but when it comes to the real deal... i just screw it all up...

oh well, at least i gotta thank lennon... for listening to me rant and complain about everthing, and of course, accompanying me to the MJ multimedia as i lost myself in the world of music... thanks for your cheese fries too bro... thanks for listening, and being there...

bought a cd... "the essential micheal jackson"... comeon the king of pop, gotta listen to him... got the cd at a rip off price... rocking to him now... SMOOTH CRIMINAL... oh yea....

suddenly, realised that i am kinda screwed... its the midyears, should be improving... but here i am, constantly failing my tests and everything... they say do your work and you will be fine... its not the case... i do my homework, but theres still so much to learn, to understand, its not as simple as they say...

work hard, continue to do work, practice... and hope that i will do well...

kinda tired with this life, homework, school, home, homework, practice, slp... and the process continues... oh well... its just a few more months... push on...

lennon asked me a pretty difficult question today...

RSAF or a person that i like...

i gave him the politically correct answer... RSAF...

he looked at me with disappointment...

that has really got me thinking... is my dreams really the ultimate?

for so long, i have been chasing this dream of mine, ever since i could remember, this i my dream... and now, when things seems to bleek, i really wonder if this is a feasible dream... most importantly, is this the most important thing in life now?

for now, just for now, i still think the RSAF is my goal, is what i really want... afterall, i have chased this dream for 10 years now, no turning back... i have come so far... i am so close...

then again, is this really all? is there more to my life? could something better then it come by?

i dunno, be it sth emotional, perhaps something for fulfilling, but as for now, there is nth that could replace it...

am i being selfish?

i am feeling quite demoralised now... just feel like sleeping, then wake up at 5 tmr for a good run...

you know, sometimes, i really wonder what its like to have a really really close friend... someone whom i can talk to, someone to just be there physically, we do not have to do anything, just be there, as we laze around, and just do nth, and let the day fade away...

i remember the last time me and my friends, when we were in the phillipines... sat down at the beach as we watched the sun set... nth was said, we just looked... there was no light, just the setting sun... it was fantastic... everything in the world seems to fade away as we sat down there... as soon as the sun went, the moon came up... as the lights in the village fills up the places lightly... the stars above left us breathless... if i could only go back...

gotta go back to my books...

guess we are not perfect afterall... no finger pointing, cos 4 finger point back at you when you point at others...

anyway...

monday

2008-05-26T20:25:00.002+08:00

i really wonder why am i feeling like this now, i dunno if i am confident for tmr, or i just could not care about maths tmr, i did study today, but it just feels as if everything is just going to be wasted tmr... i know i should not think this way, i should not, in fact i should do my best now, and at least aim to pass maths tmr... i will try my best to do well...

did physics over the weekend too... chemistry is just neglected... argh... stressed, pressured and tired...

i need to rant... anybody care to listen?

confused, emotional, and just plan irritated...

i am having menses...

back to work....

sunday

2008-05-25T22:51:00.000+08:00

my brother went to china for an exchange programme today... he's in Shanghai now... its his first time abroad, hope he could survive... i am kinda worried for him... he tends to be blur, oh well... he will be back... as for now... i got one more less person to talk to...

went for a 15km run today... jogged for 1 hr 30 mins... thought about many things in my life... here are just somethings that i have thought as i was running...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes, i really think that the reason why our class is like that, i am kinda responsible for it... its just the way i carry myself i guess... i am supposed to be the link between the groups in class, but i am not doing anything about it... and i guess there are many gossiping around in class... the suspicions are very obvious, all the back stabbing... kinda childish behaviour, but yea, though many people in class seem not to care anything less but studies, its the lack of communication that have caused such a viod between us... i maybe wrong, but hey, i got eyes, i got ears, i got a brain that could at least read body languages... it may be misunderstandings, it may be prejudice, it may be more, but then again... its just plan childishness...

i am sorry that i sound like the "all so perfect person"... but this is what i see... i may come from a all boys' school... but i certainly know what is a class... i see the other classes in school... IN FACT, any class in school... there is nothing like our class... there is just this sense of hatered, unhappiness in class... all the bitching and gossips, the lack of understanding, the unwillingness to step back, to try to understand stuff, is really taking the toil in class... i maybe wrong, but this is what i see, this is what i feel...

maybe its competitiveness, maybe its supposed to be like that, perhaps this is a reality check for me, a tight slap in the face, the tip of the rugby ball direct to the face... the so called "class"only exist in SAS... the "one for all, all for one, brother -brother, you die i die attitude"... perhaps that was the childish thing, and SRJC, 2s17 is the real deal out there... the real world as many like to say... survival of the fittest...

every time when i miss school, be in back in SAS, SAJS, i do miss people in class, in fact, i miss my classmates, they would call, ask where the $(&@#)(&() i was, why the )*$#@&$) i was sick... call me a bloody sissy, give me a big slap on the back... i was really accepted as somebody...even the teachers would ask, from chinese, geog, maths, english, physics, chem, A maths... back here in SRJC... only a few smses by some closer peeps in class...

perhaps that is what makes SA so special to us... once a saint, always a saint... i can now understand why all my mentors in SA always tell me to enjoy the time i have in SA... there is nothing like that... anywhere...
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no pats on the back, no "how are you..." damn, even the teachers could not give 2 hoots about me... (only a few bothered to ask...)

then comes to the reality again, people with better grades get the attention... its like a filter analogy... the "wanted" are kept in the filter, the "unwanted" stuff... just flow through, no second thought, emotions given... the real world is really cruel i must say...

being an underachiever, is equal to being screwed... ah, "i believe all you guys will go to SMU, NTU, NUS... and... SIM, maybe a later time to get into university...." encouragement? i say sarcasm...

whatever... i know some of you think i am a person in need of attention... sometimes, this is why school is like that...

in fact, i was never treated like that back in secondary and primary school... time to grow up kennethlimjunliang... heck, this school have already ruin my dreams... so much for "we will also journey with you to discover your abilities, talents and drive, so you can be successful in your chosen playing field"

what makes you think you got the rights to say that kennethlimjunliang? who do you think you are? let me tell you, my passion is to fly, if you can't even fly a plane shut up, score a 6/8 for a sortie then talk... i worked so hard to apply for SYFC, i put aside my time, i went the extra mile to plan my life, do well in school, excel in my CCA, get into SYFC, my efforts all gone to waste with the SRJC... "oh you can't skip school time to go and fly..." so much for supporting me... my dreams just shatter right in front of me... all my efforts, the time spent, all gone with one person... one bloody ass...

in the end, i am all to blame, i can only blame myself... for not working hard enough to get in to SAJC, RJC, even NYJC... or in fact other JCs... how many people in singapore can fly a plane at the age of 17? ITS A PRIVILEGE TO FLY... can they understand? if only i was smarter, put in more effort, after all, i am only 2 points away from getting into SAJC... so much for the promise... "we will support all external CCAs..."

they gotta get their bearings right... seriously

then again... this is the real world kennethlimjunliang... work damn hard, the school is just there to provide... thats all, anything else, its just a lie...

they say CCA is important... a private pilot's licence at the age of 18 is even more significant... childish people with narrow prospective of things...

i am confident that i could be a PPL... i had already proved that i could... when nobody could... and they have to come and do this to me...

mom was right... CJC... will be a better choice...

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the china earth quake, with all the sufferings, the pain, i look at myself, and what i have said up above, the cold chills just run down my spine... i am after all... bloody fortunate and lucky to be in singapore... stop whining and study hard kennethlimjunliang, people are suffering out there, and you here, in the comfort of your room, with your laptop, blogging and complaining about stuff... just look at the children without homes, lost their parents, lost everything... you got a class room, you complain that the weather is so hot, you complain that you are tired, you complain that you cannot finish your tutorial, you complain that the class is not what you preferred it to be... just complain and complain...

when i was running, i was really ashamed about myself... all i know is just to complain, everything, i feel like paris hilton, a cheap, over protected and spoilt piece of shit... its an understatement...

its all about me myself and i... i felt like shit...

looking back... i must appreciate my life more... my parents my life, everything... even the opportunity to study... after all... upon reflecting... its a matter of how much i want it... just whining and just do it...

but, i still feel robbed of my future...

why?

fighter pilots wannabes get kicked out in 2 phrases... the health check up is the first part... and the basic flying course... one wrong mistake, and its all gone... how is then a PPL able to help you? you skip the basic flying course, go into airforce with a WING, when everyone else got nth... its a fast forward... and they have to take it all away... thanks...

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i am not being a spoilt brat as if the world owes me, i can dare say and bet my life that i have put in all the effort for this, my plans ever since i penned down my name for a CCA in secondary school, i will be in NCC, i will join the prefects, i will do my best, so that i can get a chance to be interviewed for SYFC... i worked for it... i find out everything myself, i NEVER, I NEVER involved my parents, all by myself... MYSELF... I WORKED FOR IT... and they have to do this to me...

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with the state of being unsatisfied and angry, pissed, i would like to say something... perhaps... some credits should go to the soldiers in china involved in the quake... so many is being done to show the extent of people's sufferings, other countries contributions... perhaps, we should all rise, and applause the soldiers of the republic of china... if you have been reading the papers, sichuan is a rather huge place with may hard to reach places, soldiers march to hill, move everywhere by foot, have you seen any pictures or any form of media showing soldiers resting? taking a break? they are always on the move... was watching news today in cable... an old woman was begging some chinese soldiers to rest and eat... its seems that the soldiers were always on the move...

bias? rather, lets look beyond the media coverage, gotta think more... after all, are they supposed to do such things? unsung heroes...

again, its just how i feel...
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i put myself in her shoes... i know she will never like me, and for me, to constantly blog about how i feel, without thinking about the consequences, like how some of you people will start to think and draw conclusions... if someone whom i have no feelings for, and with my dreams at stake, and this person constantly speaks about her feelings publicly... though no names motioned, i would be very angry... like, why would you need to let people know how you feel?

stupid stupid... i must learn to control my emotions, i can just let it take over me, not thinking about the consequences... putting myself in her shoes... i was pissed... i am damn angry with my actions, i am a selfish bastard... its all about me myself and i again... ok, have feelings, but please shut up and stop making it public...

i am gonna shut it... shut it up... stupid fool...

i was, and never in any position to make my emotions public... stupid... respect...

now i know why she seems to hate me so much, i would too if someone was doing it to me...
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whatever you think, i cannot be bothered, call me whatever you want, have me on your "must kill list", whatever, this is all how i feel, how i see things, i know i maybe wrong, but i have been thinking about all these things for a long time, gathered all the perspective from different from different age, sex, relationships with me ETC...
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i am done ranting... thanks for reading...

thanks shin ee for listening to me rant all the time... just needed someone with a different perspective to talk to...

rock on...

back to my books...

i love studying X 10^99999999999999999999999999999999

saturday

2008-05-24T19:26:00.001+08:00

had econs today...can you believe it... mid years on a saturday... oh well... if not saturday when right? the paper was a crazy one... like mr tan toh hwee said... it was an experience of a life time... thinking at your feet ( sth which i was obviously not doing, and completing 3 full length essays in 2 hour and 15 minutes...) no time to check, just think, and write... when i ended my last sentence... times up... my handwriting was terrible... oh well... at least i completed the essays... thank god for that... my head now... is empty... econs seems to be gone... numb towards it... its over...

thank God for rina, lq, and lennon... went out with them... if they had not called me along... i would be all alone at home... doing nth rotting my life away... went to marina square... while the dudes were drawing their cash, i went to the airplane model shop to take a look...

i saw it, the A-10 wartog model

a 1:48 sized one... damn huge... and expansive too... about 100 bucks +++... gotta get one of those when after my a levels...

we headed to subway to get rina's lunch, then head over to carls junior! the last time i went there was with kevin neo i guess... the day inbetween our birthday... actually on his birthday... lol, it was back in sec 4... its been a long long time since i last went back there... ordered the same thing... the double western bacon cheese burger... plus crisscut fries... it was the most sinful lunch i had ever taken... plus a super big cup of ice lemon tea... the pimples will come and attack me again... yea... went to the webbie to calculate the calories i have taken in... 1380 for a meal... wtf... i am so dead...

then, theres the gossip period... talked about many things... including about us, as well as conspiracy theories in class and school... found out sth that i should not have found out... rather... i do not want to know nor admit... oh well... its all fake... i trust that you guys will not lie to me... oh well... no i am more confused... it bad to be in my position i tell you...

then again, i am sry in the way that i express my feelings... perhaps i was really... "overboard"... i guess i should not be like that... i am really sorry... but its just... i am really affected by it... yup... i am really sry...

then again, its correct right guys? she is really SOMETHING right? she is different... you will be lying if you say shes not... oh well...

is this the part of life where such feelings are natural? is it a part of growing up? i am really concerned about it... i am still thinking about it... (she is included too) am i really ok? i seem to be obsessed with her... its all wrong... i should not be like that... i am really confused...

then again, i think she knows... at least i can feel she knows... seriously... and i think she hates it... seriously... i really think she hates me to the max now...

i am really lousy... i mean... look at how she responds to me...

you know, i am not typing all these so that i get your pity or your attention or whatever... i am honestly feeling like this... and for some of you... give up on guessing... just say i beg you... please...

i am not desperate or in need to be in a relationship, its just that i am feeling like this and i dunno why... i am really affected by it... i really dunno what is this... why am i feeling like this... its really bugging me... i want it to go away, but then i am so reluctant for it to go, you know, like inbetween of something you dunno... its just so irritating...

typing so much, and looking back on the previous posts, i am really wondering whats happening to me... i seriously think i am mad... like crazy... and stupid... and emotional... am i really like that? i am not like that in secondary school... i do stupid things, i get into trouble in the name of fun... when was i really serious in school? damn... why do i have to feel this way? is this growing up? is this how its supposed to be? i am really confused...

then again, i would be lying if i say that she means nothing at all... after all, she herself is what makes her so... different... and attractive...

should i be so free in my expression of my thoughts? am i being an asshole by typing out how i feel about her? is this a wrong step? is this screwing things up? should i feel like that after all?

in the end of the day, its all about me, me me and me...

looking back, the whole thing, its all about how i feel about her... i think i am really crazy... i can't help but laugh at how foolish i was... like marcus said... loving/liking someone will not make her like you at all... i can finally understand why they say its not a gd thing to have now, especially with my commitments, my dreams, and my future...

then again, by adding her to the equation... life would be good... wait, it would be even better...

but then, honestly... what am i to think this way?

they say one does not need to be anything... honesty, sincerity, being true... seems to be bull shit...

perhaps the face, the person's capability, social life, appearance, intelligence is important... i do not fall in any of the categorises...

by thinking like that, am i looking down on myself? seriously, she is just way beyond me...

if there's anything that i could do to make her at least notice me... i might even try, but then... who am i right?

what should i do? act as nothing is happening? try to be obvious, try to do sth... what am i supposed to do?

i can't talk, i am so bloody shy, i am not socialble, i am not funny, i am messy, i can't give two hoods about things, i am not confident, i get nervous... how am i supposed to even make myself known? then again, theres the A levels, that is more important...

its like trying to balance on a tight rope, with her on one side, the A levels, plus my mom, and all the other things in life... how can i not think about it? everything seems to be affecting me... no point running away... but how am i going to face it?

i thought i could at least be there, when she was sad, but all i did was just stood there, saw her shed a tear... i was stunned, even a girl like her could shed a tear... i wanted to go over... picked up the courage, walked... her head was down, when i reached... nearly reached... her head up, and she was alright... standing there... i could not move... i was stunned... i guess i am really in love with her...

crazy things go through my mind... i would perform for her, i would do sth for her birthday, i was happy for her, i would repect her decision and not say anything on how i feel for now... then again, i know i am not the only one whom see her like that.... i doubt i have the chance... there are other buys way capable/better/suitable for her... but at least, i know i have tried...

she does not need to know... but at least... i have tried... theres more to do, getting to know her friends, the most basic to get to know her more, i can't even do...

all i know is how to play the guitar, taking photos, so useless... i can't even sing properly if i were to perform for her... i am not good at sports, i can't even do well in school... who will accept a guy like me...

if only you see what i see...

friday

2008-05-23T21:46:00.000+08:00

mom just got discharged today, she just underwent some blood transfer procedure... oh well... they say she might need to return anytime, the test results are still uncertain... she is kinda weak now... theres so much i can do... oh well... hope that things will turn out good...

but the prospect of internal bleeding is still very very true...

oh well... continue to pray... thanks for your prayers guys... i am ok...

theres econs exam tmr... and honestly, i am not prepared... talking about it just makes me sick... damn... i guess i will just try...

as for now... FUBAR... seriously... FUBAR...

went for maths tution today... my tutor bought me another iron maiden album! whhhhhhhhhoooooooooooo! damn... iron maiden rocks!

goodness... my tutor says phantom of the oprea is a must hear... GOODNESS... its madness, pure madness...

mind you... they are like grandfathers now... super old, but still rocking... damn... if i could only be like them...

was talking to him, while doing maths... got kinda careless on the way... the he cracked a joke...

"you know what kenneth? i think you are those guys that will get easily trick, especially by those beautiful girls... you are just so easily distracted... you gotta be careful... if not kenna cheated still dunno... better be careful, especially of those beautiful girls... HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA"

i was kinda stunned... wondering if i am really like that... just so blinded by things... perhaps i am really like that... but then again... i dun think she is like that right? she is a nice person... just... kinda cold... towards stuff like that... oh well... perhaps i am cheating myself, especially my emotions... but then again, its not wrong to like someone right?

oh well...

was boarding the bus, going up to the 2nd deck, climbing up the stairs, thought of her suddenly... the bus jerked, my body jerked backwards... nearly fell, held on to the railings just in time... some aunties and emo kids were laughing when they saw me... so embarassed...

thinking of her nearly got me killed... dangerous...

oh well, gonna rock with iron maiden tonite with econs...

The Trooper

[Harris]

You'll take my life but I'll take yours too
You'll fire your musket but I'll run you through
So when you're waiting for the next attack
You'd better stand there's no turning back.

The Bugle sounds and the charge begins
But on this battlefield no one wins
The smell of acrid smoke and horses breath
As I plunge on into certain death.

The horse he sweats with fear we break to run
The mighty roar of the Russian guns
And as we race towards the human wall
The screams of pain as my comrades fall.

We hurdle bodies that lay on the ground
And the Russians fire another round
We get so near yet so far away
We won't live to fight another day.

We get so close near enough to fight
When a Russian gets me in his sights
He pulls the trigger and I feel the blow
A burst of rounds take my horse below.

And as I lay there gazing at the sky
My body's numb and my throat is dry
And as I lay forgotten and alone
Without a tear I draw my parting groan.

thursday

2008-05-22T19:32:00.000+08:00

mom's in hospital now, the docs says she has really low red blood count... the doc say it might be due to internal bleeding, mom says she alright... the doc says its damn serious... i dunno how to react... got asked to rush down to the hospital today... could not see mom, only saw dad... he says everythings alright... i dunno if to trust him or not...

internal bleeding is not a gd sign... got no mood to study now...

just pray that mom will be ok... pls pray for my mom yea?

confused... worried...

oh well...

wed

2008-05-21T19:02:00.000+08:00

wow... chemistry was super! it was super cool... i could not do it at all... damn... i feel cheated... its like being raped from behind in the showers... DAMN... i think i am gonna fail it damn badly...

things i tell myself i would do this week

1. go to school tmr to do maths...
2. study for econs, and make sure i can do the paper on saturday
3. survive the midyears...

honestly, i feel like shit... i have never felt so helpless in my life before... oh well... no point giving up now, just gotta do my best...

oh well... theres nth much to say really...

just gotta work damn hard...

yup... can't get you out of my head...

tuesday

2008-05-20T20:00:00.001+08:00

its 8 now, just finished my dinner, lets make this quick....

gp today was pretty bad, the questions for paper 1 were really tough... ended up doing a question without and solid examples... paper 2 was better i guess... but still difficult... summary was a killer, aq was just... crappy....

econs... difficult, too little time, to many things to write... i managed to attempt all the questions, but whether i can score is another question...

tmr is chemistry... i am not prepared... seriously... i am tired, my brains are saturated... but i will try... at least try my best for tmr... i will have to do it after all, might as well do my best...

no point being emotional and all... just goota try hard...

all the best tmr for all you guys...

ok... she still is damn attractive...

if i could only sing and play the guitar so well... maybe i got a chance... oh well... if only right? how am i too feel now? wish for it to disappear? or just try?

who says acoustic can't rock... oh well... difficult to forget...

monday

2008-05-19T13:46:00.000+08:00

tmr will be the midyear exam... oh well... just work hard do my best... leave it all to God...

i am still having fever... the panadol is not kicking in...

thanks for your encouragement... i guess i am really very foolish... gotta be strong... no point thinking too much right?

had a dream yesterday... was in a cockpit of the F-15SGT... marcus sng was my WSO... we were on a practice dog fight with our instructor... our instructor was the best fighter pilot in RSAF... yes... WAS...

we got intercepted midair by our instructor and another "senior" pilot... marcus was screaming in the air, "TWO BOGEYS heading from 12 high! *(@#&(@*^$(!!!!" the two f-16D came like bullets towards us, they were so close, i could see the number on the fighter jet, it reads 23...

as they flew by, i made a sharp, sharp 6 G turn to the left, hoping to intercept them on the bogey's 6 o'clock, my team mate does the same, as i pulled the turn, me and marcus we feeling the Gs... the force of gravity was so strong, it was difficult to breath, we struggled to even sit up striaght, as we finished the turn, we were on the 6 o'clock of the bogeys...

marcus was complaining, "jun liang, you @&#&$@&)@!, wtf am i with you...*^@*(^$(" over the radio, "juno, i am going for bogey one, you go for bogey 2" it was lq

"roger" i replied, full trottle forward, i could feel the force of the engine and my body felt the thrust on the seat, the airspeed knob is increasing like mad, my heart was beating...

marcus, was reading the radar, and he screamed "*)&@^$^($^)$ airspace limit up ahead, its either they make a hard turn back to the mountains, or they gain height, 20000 feet bro" as soon as he said that, bogey 2 made a freaking 9 g turn to the right, heading back to land, while bogey 1 pulled up... i followed, after burners kicked in, we turned... the blood was rushing down my body, my vision start to blur, marcus was making weird orgasm noises over the radio, so am i... the muscle start to tense, we start to feel as though we are shrinking...

the turn finished, bogey 2 headed for the clouds, i followed, we are about 15000 fee above sea level, bogey 2 is turning, left to the right, pulling up and pulling down, he's all over, turning and turning, it was difficult to stay with him, i could not get a lock on him, he is always dodging the aim sight... suddenly, he pulled up, vertical to the sun, i could not see him as the sun's glare was in my face, i followed suit, the force was pulling me back, i find it difficult to even pull the stick... throttle full, power full, the altimeter is going mad, we are gaining height like never before, this is the fastest and highest i have ever gone, the jet starts to vibrate and rumble, the turbulence was strong...

begoy 2 when into the clouds, as i approached the clouds, it was like a finger going into candy floss, everything just engulfs you, everything is white, comming out of the clouds, we were abouve everything, below was was the clouds above us was the clear blue skies... but bogey 2 was not in sight... "*$(*&%&%$, me and marcus start to frantically look around the cockpit, scanning the area, there was nothing, my heart was still beating, i felt a cold chill down the spine... it was not the eerie feeling, but the fear, the radar starts to buzz...

marcus screamed..." 6 o'clock jun liang, 6 O'CLOCK!!!!!", without thinking, i nosed down, vertically down, bad move... the negative G made my head light, all the blood was rushing down... my legs starts to feel damn heavy, marcus, with his weak voice..."please warn me...before you do such crap..."

i broke the sound barrier as we were comming down, the vapour appeared around the jet, we were going down damn fast... bogey 2 was still on our tail, as the clouds start to disappear, i could see land, and we were heading towards it...

i pulled up at 1000 feet, the plane vibrate and tremble again, the turbulence kicked in, i released the flares as i did a barrel row, "tak tak tak", the flares came out, i leveled of, kicked in the after burners... infront of me was the horizon... nothing else, i looked back, bogey 2 was on my tail, he was so damn close...

"TTTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" the missile warning came up.... it means i have less than i sec to response before the gets a lock on one me... will i end up like the other cadets? another kill for bogey 2? i pushed the right rudder down hard, my stick with all my might, i jerked it to the left, with my right hand, i pulled the throttle back, the jet, made a half turn, over bogey 2, after i completed the turn, full throttle, i was on the 6 of bogey 2... flares shot through the sky, he made a sharp turn, not to fall to his trap again, i released the throttle, bank and turned hard, switch on the aim sight...

the sidewinder was making the "bBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" noise, this is it, hes mine... "TTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOO" lock on!

the aim sight was scribbling around bogey 2, before it eventually got centered on it... the word "fire" appeared...

"juno, box 1, fire!" i pressed the trigger so hard...

then i woke up...

thats my dream... wow... okok enough of all the dreams...

gotta work hard... score well tmr...

thanks guys...

rsaf...

sunday

2008-05-18T23:58:00.000+08:00

just as i've thought that i have the whole sunday to study, i was totally wrong... woke up today with my head feeling like a bowling ball... as though someone had given me a pile driver to my head... lo and behold, i had fever... damn...

for every 2 hours i have studied, i went to sleep for an hour... from 10 to 6... thats about roughly 6 hours... nth went into my head... it still hurts now...

to make things worst, there is a farewell party at home today, my mom's friend is leaving overseas... the children were playing in my room... noisy, loud, i could not concentrate... what can i do? left the room to study in my sisters room on the floor... so much for a sunday worth of time to study... when you thought you have everything planned out for yourself... things just hit you in the face... how nice...

so many things to do, so little time...

enough of everything... i want to be a fighter pilot... since you guys say so, i will do my best... thanks

saturday

2008-05-18T00:28:00.001+08:00

went to school to study today... saw shin ee, shu chen, nash, felix, dickson, rina and some other people... oh well... studied for 3 hours straight... econs... being all alone in the canteen just studying is kinda wierd... but at least you are concentrating... the only thing that is damn irritating is the weather... super hot and humid... oh well...

shin ee came to talk to me... talked about many things in life, class, etc... lol, i dun think she realised, but i think we have talked for about 45 mins... thats like a record time yo!... lol...

shin ee, this is for you... DUN CARE WHAT OTHERS SAY OK! JUST DO WHAT YOU DEEM FIT... AND PLEASE, HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE... AND I SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR JIAN FEI REGIME!!! YOU CAN DO IT! ROCK ON...

sometimes in life, you need to talk to a girl... they seem to have a different point of view to things in life... oh well... i guess shin ee is the only approachable gal in class... at least on that is willing to listen and share... if the other girls in class were like her... too bad...

seems like there are many things in life that should not deserve so much thought... but then again, i cannot help it... i just... think...

growing up now is not as easy as many people think... its tougher i believe... there i just so many things to handle and manage... man... will being an adult be worst? i really fear that...

there are many things that i wann say... at least throw out of my heart... but i guess its not the right time... especially so in front of shin ee... i am afraid that i might scare her... oh well... its just that... life is really very very bleek now...

i feel like quiting school... seriously, its not just a thought, i have been thinking about it for a long time... i really want to quit school and join the polytechnic or maybe a culinary school...

its not because i can't take the stress, but this school is just not the place for me... the class is just so wierd, people are just so selfish, the atmosphere is just to intense, so competitive... there is just no one to turn to except a few close people in school (i have only so much friends, you guys know who you are)... my results just do not show the amount of effort i put in... teachers seem to be giving up on me, my parents are doubting my capabilities, i just do not want to waste their money and time on me... tution will take up about $800++ every month, plus my allowance... they spent close to $1000 on me monthly... and yet, my results are just not showing, no matter how hard i try... this is seriously a big big joke on me...

at least, when i am somewhere else, i can still work, and at least support myself... rather that making my parents work so hard... i just feel damn bad... no matter how hard i try, things aren't going the way it should... yes, i feel damn shitty...

was at tution just now, i can't even do simple questions that i have done before... feel so crap, so lously...

perhaps thats why she has got no feelings for me... i am weak, lously, stupid, useless, ugly... unlike her...

then again, i really want to be a fighter pilot, i want it, but the current circumstances aren't helping at all...

why am i born so average? why can't i be born with everything, the looks, the brains, the everything... why?

nash was telling me not to give up, take the midyears as a stage where you can judge your learning, see where you stand, no point crying or being stressed over spilled milk... he's got a point... the aim is the A levels... keep your mind to it, and it will succeed... why am i so weak?

then again...

“You know it ain’t easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There’s no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I’m telling you
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
They’ve been knockin’ me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won’t go away.”

can you guys, please stop guessing who? can you guys please stop gossiping? yes, i may be living like a cliché life... but i am seriously affected by it... unless you wanna help, please, stop it... theres a limit to everything...

then again, i can't stop you from doing so...

i cried today... i just could not take it... all these stress and pressure, plus the emotional crap thats going on... i dunno why, i just cried... so damn sissy... how can guys cry... i did not want to cry, but the tears just came falling down... i really feel so useless...

another reason why she will not like a person like me... i ain't strong, ain't the atheletic person, ain't the guy with looks, ain't the socialble one, ain't the smart one, ain't the popular one, ain't the likeable one, ain't the interesting one. ain't the funny one, ain't the talented one, ain't the sporty one, ain't the boyish one, ain't the cute one, ain't the one....

i am just the opposite of everything... in one 4 words... "a fucked up one"

if you would only take a look at me, i may not be perfect, but at least... i am sth right?

i can't think like that, its after all, a one sided thing, its my problem, not yours...

marcus says it will go away... after all, its been a year... it will go...

but... honestly, i do not want it to go...

cos i will never find another like her...

emo? no, i am not... i just do not want to regret this life...

back to life, back to work, keep the dream alive...

friday

2008-05-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

stupid stupid, kenneth you are so stupid, you suck, argh... you are a bloody fool... how can you do that? ITS JUST WHAT???!!!! 6 words? wtf, and you just blew it like that... ok, nevermind... then how abt yesterday? CAN'T YOU JUST BE NATURAL? argh... why? WHYWHYWHY? stupid... kenneth... you really suck...

argh... i guess she hates me now.... like totally... hate me... i can feel it... she seriously hates me... who won't? its like doing sth secretly without someone's permission... then again... i did not choose to be like that... i am really sorry, its just came to me like that... i dunno why, but i am just attracted to her... i am really sorry if she feels angry towards me...

then again... we gotta study... its the most important thing now, others things can wait, can it? oh well... who am i to think like this right?

different is a word to vague to desribe her... i believe unique is a better word to describe her... you know, seriously, i really think she is one unique girl... i dunno how to describe, but yea... she is just... unique...

i just feel so dumb this week, i do things so stupidly... like a fool... until now... i still have this barrier when i speak to girls... ok, some girls are better, especially so if they share the same interest or have been working with you in school... while other girls, they are just... wierd... not in the sense like the way they behave, but its just to wierd to talk to a girl just like that... its difficult... its just difficult... especially talking to her... its just... impossible... i feel so stupid after that... its feels like liverpool losing a game they could have easily won... it just sucks...

i tried to forget her... tried to tell myself that she is just impossible for me... i tired to run more, tried to read GP essays instead of listening to my mp3 on the way home... but... its not helping... i just happen to think of her suddenly...

you know, i just feel so dirty... like obsessed with her... it is just wrong... but i just think of her... you know... like... just think of her...

then again, but posting my feelings online like this, for all you people to read, is so disturbing... its like... i am so open about it... its like there is no truth to how i feel...

then again... what can i do? keep it to myself? i just can't find someone to pour out my feelings on how i feel now... in fact, there seems to be no solution to solve this problem i am facing now...

then again, i am not the only one feeling like that... seems like many people, be it boy or girl, different races, be it singaporean or foreginers... all feel like how i do... some took the initiative, some succeed, some failed, some keep it to themselves, some could'nt keep their mouth shut... but all of them seem to be able to live with it, except me... it sucks...

oh well... i am selfish right? just think of myself, and how i feel, everything about myself, and not considering anything... but then, she does not seem to be affected by it... doubt she even knows... oh well... gotta respect what she believes in... studying now is still more important... oh well...

study hard... get into RSAF...

perhaps she already know...

tuesday

2008-05-13T23:07:00.000+08:00

studied in school today, did some econs, gp and physics... was so tired today, i could not concetrate... you know, i am really feeling crappy now... yes i know God is with me, i know you guys are behind me, i know that its life, but its just so bleak... you know, 6 days to mid years... and to be honest, i am not prepared at all...

how can it be? i do all my tutorials, i do my hw, i read my lecture notes... i do everything that is sufficient, or at least seem sufficient to you guys... but there is a difference between having studied and being prepared... i am not prepared... everything is happening just so quickly...

you know, i ask han rong today, if you could turn back time and repeat your JC1, what will you do?... he says he will turn back to O levels and work his ass off... i was shocked... and i thought... damn, i also wanna do that... i wished i could study harder... go to SAJC... play rugby for school... fufil my dream... i really regretted comming to SRJC... things are just not clicking... there is just the gap between rationality and the future... if i was in any other jc now, plus putting the effort i am putting in now, i know i will do better... but for now... i am really screwed...

i am not saying that the teachers are lously, i am not blaming the school for anything, in fact i love the school... i love SRJC, but its just somethings, are being run in a way that is so irrational... its just irritating... things are happening so fast... i just cannot catch up... besides, if i was not in SRJC... i would not have seen her... and thus... yea...

oh well... lennon then says, no point looking back now, just work hard... oh well... its true... we just have to work... but its a pity that things are being rushed... i could have proved myself if i had the time... then again, better now then never...

then again, i am just very afraid that i will disappoint my parents... money does not drop from the sky, is all hard earned... i just do not want to waste all the money... plus, i want my dreams... i want my RSAF... i want to be a fighter pilot...

but the circumstances are just all going against me... my emotions... my perception of things... why is grwoing up so difficult?

i seriously think i am taking this too far... alone... its just so surreal... how can 2 persons, from different back grounds, but only one has feelings for the other, and the other just feels nth... its just so fake, such a joke... but its just sth that i dunno... its just keeps comming up... why do i blush when people start to talk to me abt her? why am i lost for words when i talk to her... everytime, EVERYTIME i feel like shit after talking to her... like a fool...

i am really being a fool... a fool... can i just live my life as a normal person?
why am i being like this? fuck... is this how it feels like to like someone?

what should i do now? i am suffering now...

to be honest... i know that studies is more important... but i just cannot forget her...

btw... you rock hard you know...

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start

Oh, But hold your breathe
Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

its so unfair that i am feeling this way... why does it have to happen to me?

sunday

2008-05-11T19:48:00.000+08:00

instead of going for youth service today, i decided to head for adult's service with my parents today for a change... need some time off... from youth...

correct with if i am wrong, but i do feel as though youth i so much focused on our personal sacrifice for God... it not wrong, but its not what i can do now... i can't even support myself, take control of my life, how am i supposed to serve God? i am not finding excuses, but i just need God... i am broken, stressed, fustrated, angry, lost... just everything negative...

saw Godma and Godpa outside of the sancturary, went to sit with them... well, i guess i am really stressed up... at least from how i looked, Godma prayed for me... strength, piority, and trust... not to loose my focus... to fight this battle... well, she seems pretty worried with me... i can tell...

she then reminded me that this time now, is not all about studying... something i am truly guity of... perhaps thats why i am so weak... physically, emotionally... i have lost my focus on God, and trusted myself instead... there is more to life than studying... and studying alone... i need to focus on God and trust that he will bring me through...

during worship, we sang "how great is our God"... i broke down... could not stand it... how could i not trust the Lord for everything in my life... he is with me all the way, and will continue to do so... i trusted myself too much, that i neglected him... after all, he rose from the dead, to bring me through this time... is nothing...

then again, i cannot just count on him totally, i also have to do my part... this means, more time to study, but with the trust that God will be there for me...

i am still praying about her... i did not receieve anything from God... yet... perhaps i should not think so much about it...

well... i do feel better now... but then again, the people around me are not...

seems like the class is going into an so called "identity crisis" now... again, we are feeling as though this class is a mere "for show" kinda thing... yup... i honestly do not think that 2s17 is a class at all... just a mere label of a group of people... its confirmed, this class is just... not clicking with each other... well... this is why some of us (including me) is just not doing well i guess... its just the group of guys... plus the 3-4 groups of gals in class... everyone is just for themselves... comeon... who can bravley say that are ok with everyone in class, especially in 2s17... raise your hands... i really wonder... did the guys do anything wrong... did i do anything wrong? as a class leader... i feel like fuck... other classes are so close together... and lo and beho... i am here... and the class is crap...

i look at 1s21, the class i took for orientation... THEY TOTALLY ROCKED... EAT TOGETHER,STUDY TOGETHER, MOVE TOGETHER... wtf... they are so nice... look at 2s17... this is the second year... and we are like that... worst... its taking the emothional toil on some people... we are just tired... sick... of this class... if i could... i will change my class right now... in this instance... i will just leave... at least i have more friends... fuck... i will bring the guys along in my class... come, lets just leave...

then again, if the problem do not lie in the guys... its the gals... if not who? i do feel as though we are caught in this crap... inbetween of this shit... what have we really done?perhaps its only me and a few guys that are feeling like that... oh well... from the PW results, its already a testimony why we did not get the expected results... we do not share our findings, we do not help each other... look at the other classes... those with A grades... they helped each other... not like us... AND WE HAD THE POTENTIAL...

is it individual cause and effect? or group cause and effect? honestly, i cannot give a fuck... whatever, i am just a "for show" and i could not give a damn... i am afterall... just like that...

i am sry for all the strong words... but i just can't stand this crap... i am sry, forgive me...

i am feeling the pressure, stress, urgency... no more time... its clicking away...!!! damn... oh well... make the full use of time, and just work... trust the lord...

back to you...

i am making a promise to myself... for you...

i will work my ass off for you...

i will be a fighter pilot for you...

i will study and do well for you...

i will push on for you...

its for you...

i don't care if you know or not, i don't care if you hate me. i don't care...

i will just do it for you... even if you know or not... its for you...

so you better continue to work damn hard... do better than me or sth... just do well...

if you could... please stop being so attractive? ha...

i bought the I HEART REVOLUTION CD!!! finally... and yea, it rocks...

ok then... rock on people...

sth which i thought is damn cool... kudos to marcus sng... pray that he will not die from doing such things in singapore... LOL

saturday

2008-05-10T16:27:00.000+08:00

there are many things that happened since i last blogged...

if looks could kill, i am already dead since last weeks school musical...

and if simplicity is beauty...

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." — Antoine de Saint-Exupery

one word... my breath was taken away...

then again, you might not think the same way as i do... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...

well... sometimes i wonder, is she the Melissa in the musical... does she know? i do feel like zhi jian... (Melissa and zhi jian are like the main characters in our school muscial) its just impossible... does she feel happy when i talk to her? what am i in her eyes? do i even stand a chance... well... if 1% is alot... i may, MAY have the chance... but... i should not lie to myself... after all... shes just... unreachable...

and i being very selfish to feel like this towards her? am i being normal? is it supposed to be like that? why am i like this? the emotions just keeps lingering in the corner of my mind... am i just crazy? why am i like that? am i sick in the mind? am i just losing it? shit, why do i feel like that towards you?

should i tell you how i feel? allow you to decide how you wanna react... most probably you will just ignore me... forever... can you accept how i feel and carry on with life? i need to know if i have the chance... i am hanging by a thread... all it takes is for you to say sth... no matter what... just say sth... at least i know...

wait...

i have feelings for you... do you have anything for me?

perhaps, i should answer my own question...

are you what they tell me you are? so cold blooded, so emotionless? perhaps thats why you are so attractive...

honestly, i really dunno why i feel like that, but you are just different... perhaps thats why i have feelings for you...

then again... you SHOULD not have any feelings for a person like me... after all... i am just... like that...

you know, i do feel like shit, i just cannot be like those guys whom talks to you... they can just talk to you like nobody's business... but i can't, i am afraid to even talk to you... i am afraid that i might screw up and look stupid in front of you...

please do not think that i am just thinking about you... i am also worried about my studies... i should, to tell you the truth, you are like a mosquito bite... you are for now, a small little problem... but you can affect when my emotions feel so irritated and frustrated... why can't we even just communicate properly... everything is just one liners...

then again, i am a guy, i should initiate all the conversations and stuff... but i am just afraid that you will over react... i know you will... then again, things will get worst... i might not even be your friend...

i cannot forget you, i will be honest... i just cannot do it...

guess i will just have to wait... until the time is right...

for now...

its just like that...

btw, you totally rock...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

went to take photos for the touch rugby girls, i must say, THEY ARE SUPER GOOD... damn, they played really well... ha... they should have won... but, the champion was decided with a coin toss... how lame is that... oh well... i must say, they were just really cool... perhpas thats why girls are just so mysterious and special... they just react differently to how you would expect them to be... another living testimony to just how a guy from a boys school, thought he knows everything about girls... oh well... i called them guys... shit... they were quite pissed i guess... "erm, gals please, not guys"

how dumb kenneth...

of you are a touch rugby girl, and you want the pics, i can pass it to you gals... just inform me... ( if thats the right word to use... ) there are about 84 pics...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

studies are taking the toil on me... i am feeling super tired... i am really fighting a losing battle, i feel like giving up, i cannot go on... i just feel so stupid... so demoralised... oh well... you push me on... i will just do my best, work hard, continue to study, push on, and maybe i can...

but, i want it... i want my dream... and of course, i wanna prove myself... and maybe, impress you...

off with my books...

tuesday

2008-05-06T23:07:00.000+08:00

have you ever done something without even thinking of the consequences, and then it just comes back to you and hit you in the nut.... oh well, this shit happened to me and i have really got myself in a deep shit now... its totally unintentional, but i still did it, without thinking, and now, i guess everyone is having a very negative point of view of the person i am... oh well... guess i am bound to be in more shit to come...

you know, sometimes, i am really wondering what the heck am i doing with my life now, i really wonder whats happening... to make things worst, shit happens, and it happens twice... supposed to go to the british council for tution today... was really sleepy, so i slept at the bus stop... a bus came, and i just hurried to hop onto the bus, i thought it was 106, sat down, and continue to sleep... when i woke up, i found myself in bukit panjang, i boarded the wrong bus... 190... how smart for a jc student... what am i doing? what was i thinking of?

mr chong spoke to me before i left school... he asks if i was ok in school, coping well with work...initially, he asked if maths was the problem... i said yes, no matter how hard i practice, i just cannot do well for maths... he says push on, work hard... he then asks about the other subjects if i am coping well... i thought a while, and told him... "no..." he looks at me, as if he was already expecting the answer, and says... "ok... continue to work hard and consult me..."

how was i supposed to react? on the way out of school, i really thought to myself, why can other people do so well in life, and i am here, trying all my best, putting in my effort, and yet not seeing any results at all... what is this? a cruel joke but God?they say learn from your mistakes, but i just keep on making new mistakes... in life, as a person, as a friend, as a class mate, as a student, as a son, as a brother... i really feel so useless...

or is it me? is my definition of hardwork wrong? i know why i am here, i know why am i studying, but i just cannnot understand why i keep on failing... why the heck i just can't pass a single test... why am i just so dumb and stupid... i work so hard and yet this is how it treats me... i am really tired and fustrated...

then again... do also die, don't do also die... might as well give it my best shot... but then again, i cannot think this way... after all, i got a dream to chase...

if academic mistakes are not the only mistakes i have made, i have even made mistakes that eventually pissed of people... again, i do things without thinking, and it gets me into shit... i am sorry, i promise to change my seat... really sorry...

guess thats why i am not doing well in school...

and then... the emotional spiral that i always find myself in... oh well... i know now that she hates me... totally... oh well... if thats how things will be... what can i do? well...

just do my best...

sunday

2008-05-04T20:33:00.000+08:00

ok, time is running out, no time for my emotions, gotta work hard, screwed up feelings, heck, all these shit can wait, A levels will ot wait, ah damn... focus on studies and do well... opp cost of RSAF is still too much a sacrifice, i am so close to my dreams, i will not let this go...

ok, its just a sacrifice, i want my dream badly and desperately... nothing will stand in my way, no more self pity, focus, work hard... all the way...

this is what i want, and i will do my best to be a fighter pilot, to fly, above all

i can and i will do it... just 5 more months, and my dream will be fufiled... i have learnt how to fly, and i will fly the F15sgt...