labour day... oh well, Liverpool lost... they fought really hard, but i guess they were just off form... the team is not clicking with each other... oh well, kudos to all the goal scorers, Torres, babel... oh well... i got no mood to talk about it... we could have won...


oh well... finally, there's time to rest and catch up on hw... guess what, i failed tests again... done so badly... damn, i think i am screwed... looking back, i just realised that i have not passed a test this year... A TEST... how bloody stupid is that? goodness, sometimes, i really think that i should have retained... at least i get to do better with another combination i guess... oh well, comparing with last year... i could at least pass my test... now... i can't even pass any... and guess what, ECONS... i think i really let myself down... i can't even score well for econs... damn... what really happened? damn, i have really let myself down...


then again, have the end in mind... why should i give up now especially when i have come so far already? i will just continue to work hard, no point pitying myself and whine my life away... i will just have to put in more time to study, no excuses, no time, no reasons, no regrets...


ok, lets be honest now, i really miss my CCA, srjc photography... seriously, many people have very negative thoughts about us, oh well, we did contribute to the school... just look at the school magazine... we have done all of that in barely a years' time... plus, we do not get credit for the college magazine... damn, imagine the college magazine without any pictures, then i guess you people will know how important we are... well, other than that, i guess you can say we are the "unsung heros"...


i am really thankful for all the people whom have came around to ask how i was doing, be it through the tagboard, sms, msn, whatever... thanks guys... i am doing fine, just not doing things to live up to my own expectations... thanks for your motivation, i will work hard for this crap, you guys better do the same too... lets do this together...


well, i have a long weekend, its time to catch up, and start to prove myself... prove that i am more than this, even though the teachers don't say anything, i guess most of them have given up hope on me, oh well, can never count on some teachers, gotta count on myself, and trust the Lord will carry me through... plus, i gotta prove that i am CAPABLE to fulfill my dream... like i said, if i cannot do well, DO WELL enough for my A levels, i will lose 2 things, RSAF, and her... in the end of the day, i do not want to be in that position... where i cannot fulfil my dream, and lose the opportunity to even try...


now, i am in the position again where i dun trust my judgements, let alone trust myself in the things i see, and the emotions i feel... if this is what have God created - emotions - honestly, i am getting to hate it... seriously hate it to the max... no matter how hard i try to psyche myself, i just cannot stop thinking about her, i tell myself that i have more important things in life, i know what i have to do, and i am doing it, i am studying, i am revising my work, i am not sleeping in lectures anymore, i listen in tutorials. but when i am not doing anything, she just appears... i tell myself to forget about her, erase her off... but its just comes again and again, its that sort of feeling that is just so irrational and random, based on merely personal judgement and feeling, not based on any facts nor evidence, i am science student/a rational person, i see things and understand things if it makes sense and has things to prove, but this emotional spiral (or whatever) is just not making any sense at all, is this how it feels to like a person? or am i being retarded? what is this feeling? it makes no sense at all... why do i feel like that towards her? i ask myself sometimes, why am i feeling this way, infatuation? they say it never last for more than a year... but its not the case now... have i just sabotaged myself in to an emotional trap? is this really a part of growing up? why can't i stop thinking about her? why does she seem to special to me? this is just not fair at all... why can't i be more focused on my work? i really though it was just infatuation last year, never expected to carry it on to this year...


to make things worst... even though i tell myself (i already know) there is no possibility between us, not even a miracle would allow any thing to happen... but i just cannot forget about her... what am i feeling now? is this even normal to begin with? am i going crazy? am i studying to much? why do i feel this way? damn... i need to run...


then again... did she just looked into my direction at least? maybe she was looking at someone else... does she know? heck, does she even care? what can i do? can anybody help me? am i affecting her? am i just being a nuisance? where do i stand? another person? a friend? a nobody? there is no prove... what can i do now? continue to act as if i do not feel anything? tell her? do nth? i really dunno... pls, just let me live the way i was back in SAS... i really cannot stand emotions...

am i supposed to be happy about it? or worried about it? i need my guitar...



thanks for reading about the pathetic me...

labour day... oh well, Liverpool lost... they fought really hard, but i guess they were just off form... the team is not clicking with each other... oh well, kudos to all the goal scorers, Torres, babel... oh well... i got no mood to talk about it... we could have won...


oh well... finally, there's time to rest and catch up on hw... guess what, i failed tests again... done so badly... damn, i think i am screwed... looking back, i just realised that i have not passed a test this year... A TEST... how bloody stupid is that? goodness, sometimes, i really think that i should have retained... at least i get to do better with another combination i guess... oh well, comparing with last year... i could at least pass my test... now... i can't even pass any... and guess what, ECONS... i think i really let myself down... i can't even score well for econs... damn... what really happened? damn, i have really let myself down...


then again, have the end in mind... why should i give up now especially when i have come so far already? i will just continue to work hard, no point pitying myself and whine my life away... i will just have to put in more time to study, no excuses, no time, no reasons, no regrets...


ok, lets be honest now, i really miss my CCA, srjc photography... seriously, many people have very negative thoughts about us, oh well, we did contribute to the school... just look at the school magazine... we have done all of that in barely a years' time... plus, we do not get credit for the college magazine... damn, imagine the college magazine without any pictures, then i guess you people will know how important we are... well, other than that, i guess you can say we are the "unsung heros"...


i am really thankful for all the people whom have came around to ask how i was doing, be it through the tagboard, sms, msn, whatever... thanks guys... i am doing fine, just not doing things to live up to my own expectations... thanks for your motivation, i will work hard for this crap, you guys better do the same too... lets do this together...


well, i have a long weekend, its time to catch up, and start to prove myself... prove that i am more than this, even though the teachers don't say anything, i guess most of them have given up hope on me, oh well, can never count on some teachers, gotta count on myself, and trust the Lord will carry me through... plus, i gotta prove that i am CAPABLE to fulfill my dream... like i said, if i cannot do well, DO WELL enough for my A levels, i will lose 2 things, RSAF, and her... in the end of the day, i do not want to be in that position... where i cannot fulfil my dream, and lose the opportunity to even try...


now, i am in the position again where i dun trust my judgements, let alone trust myself in the things i see, and the emotions i feel... if this is what have God created - emotions - honestly, i am getting to hate it... seriously hate it to the max... no matter how hard i try to psyche myself, i just cannot stop thinking about her, i tell myself that i have more important things in life, i know what i have to do, and i am doing it, i am studying, i am revising my work, i am not sleeping in lectures anymore, i listen in tutorials. but when i am not doing anything, she just appears... i tell myself to forget about her, erase her off... but its just comes again and again, its that sort of feeling that is just so irrational and random, based on merely personal judgement and feeling, not based on any facts nor evidence, i am science student/a rational person, i see things and understand things if it makes sense and has things to prove, but this emotional spiral (or whatever) is just not making any sense at all, is this how it feels to like a person? or am i being retarded? what is this feeling? it makes no sense at all... why do i feel like that towards her? i ask myself sometimes, why am i feeling this way, infatuation? they say it never last for more than a year... but its not the case now... have i just sabotaged myself in to an emotional trap? is this really a part of growing up? why can't i stop thinking about her? why does she seem to special to me? this is just not fair at all... why can't i be more focused on my work? i really though it was just infatuation last year, never expected to carry it on to this year...


to make things worst... even though i tell myself (i already know) there is no possibility between us, not even a miracle would allow any thing to happen... but i just cannot forget about her... what am i feeling now? is this even normal to begin with? am i going crazy? am i studying to much? why do i feel this way? damn... i need to run...


then again... did she just looked into my direction at least? maybe she was looking at someone else... does she know? heck, does she even care? what can i do? can anybody help me? am i affecting her? am i just being a nuisance? where do i stand? another person? a friend? a nobody? there is no prove... what can i do now? continue to act as if i do not feel anything? tell her? do nth? i really dunno... pls, just let me live the way i was back in SAS... i really cannot stand emotions...

am i supposed to be happy about it? or worried about it? i need my guitar...



thanks for reading about the pathetic me...