this is gonna be a very long post... i got many things to say... you are warned...

lets talk about today...

maths paper was... rather better than paper 1... but still... its bad... its another U grade... so is chemistry... i got 2 U grades for midyears already... great... for a JC 2 student about to take his A levels this year... oh well... i cannot give up right? gotta continue to learn from my mistakes... for the rest of my papers? oh well... lets not talk about it ok?

papers aside, went with bryan, cheong wei and han rong for brunch after paper... like always, we will be there, wondering what and where to have our lunch... we ended up having KFC... kenneth's fried chicken... i tell myself that i will only eat, AT MOST in a month, 1 time, and 1 time only, in a fast food restaurant (to call it a restaurant is an overstatement)... here am i, having eaten at a fast food restaurant the fifth time this month... i am growing fat... seriously... how am i going to retake my NAFA? argh...

i must say, this bunch of people, are one of the most random and eccentric people you will ever come across... lol, but they are just real cool people... their jokes are seriously "deep" and difficult to understand sometimes, and of course, their randomness is kinda extreme, but all in all, they are a really fun bunch of people to hang out with... we talked about everything... class, to girls, to HR'S AFFAIR... walau, hr, can you pls don't be like that? cheong wei will be very sad you know... LOL... oh well... went home after that...

i stoned the whole afternoon staring at my laptop's screen... i was pretty lost... like theres nothing to do (in fact, there are MANY things to do) i just stoned, and looked at her... just thinking... and thinking... and thinking...

read my dairy... the day before i entered in to SRJC...

"tomorrow is the day that i will step into the new school... there are so many things that i am looking forward to, especially, girls... to be honest, its not about looks, or other things, but rather, how are they actually like... 10 years in a boys school, i am really scared, i dunno what to do, perhaps it maybe good, perhaps it maybe bad... oh well... anyway, gotta keep my dream alive... still waiting for the SYFC reply for anything... hopefully i can get through... but, i must remind myself, no BGR, no girls in my life... i will work hard for my dream... RSAF.... "


and now i am here, thinking about her...

while running today, i was really thinking to myself... why am i trying to act as if nothing has happened? why do i WEAR A MASK, like as if i dun care about anything... why do i have to cheat myself... what ever happened to being true to myself and the people around me? why do i masquerade like i am not feeling anything? i am really into her... freak... i dreamt of her yesterday... so what if i "try" to hide my feelings... i can't even do it... told myself to forget about her, at least try... i managed to not think about her for a few days... and here i am dreaming about her...

why should i be this way? i gotta be true to myself and not wear a mask as if i am not affected by it... i really am and theres no point hiding anything or trying to be strong... i like her, thats it, period, full stop, the end... how she wants to respond to that... is her choice, i can't force her... but at least, i have to be true to myself...

i for now... (i maybe in the lovey dovey period) but i don't think she is what people say she is... perhaps theres another side to her? i am realy curious, i really want to know her more... she is just so... mysterious... then again... everything, theres give or take...

learnt in SAS that singleness is a gift... and besides, being in a relationship should be about glorifying God... will being with her actually do that?

i am more concerned (i know i am thinking too much) but, what can i actually offer to her? i do not know her well enough at all... its like... if, IF we actually get along... i guess it will be a stalemate... you know, like silence... after all, i am not the person whom always goes out, i don't hang out at different places, i am not the person thats good with words, i am not even the person people would look to for a talk... (i wonder what kind of friend am i... just another person when theres nobody around? sometimes, i do feel like a secondhand friend, if you know what i am talking... its just that... yea... sometimes, the way people treat me... is like when theres no one there, i am like the "last resort"...) i dun think i am the active type, let alone be the funny, approachable, friendly, sociable type... all i need is some space, music and my guitar... i can just survive like that... will anyone like a person like me? perhaps that why i have so little friends in school?

but then, shes different, she the kind of girl that i always have in mind... you know, they way she present herself, the way she talk, the way she does her stuff, and of course, the activities she take part in... GOODNESS... she is the ideal... but then, you can't get what you want... how?

besides, theres more to a relationship, will i be the boy that her parents will like? will i be the person that her friends would like? would i blend into her lifestyle? would i be someone she will be proud of? can i be accepted by her? will my parents like her? will people look at us and say that "hey, they are just one perfect match", will things work out?

sometimes, i just wonder if i will end up like my dad... sometimes, i just feel that she treats my mom pretty unfairly... mom complains about him... and its not a good sign... after all, he is a man, and he should be a man... but things just don't work out... i do not want to be like him... i want to be a person that is trust worthy, a person that my wife can count on, a father that my child will respect and idolise, a friend that people can trust... i want to be the right person... then again, we are human, we all have flaws...

its not that i am desperate, or i am like a trend follower... but its just that, i realised, even for a time like now, seems as though everyone is wearing masks around... one time they could be like that, the other time, they could just change... its really borthering me... i really wonder if i am like that... a person that wears masks... that is why i want to be frank with my emotions, my feelings, and the way i feel about things, i am really sorry if some of you guys think that i am too striaght forward... but i just do not want to be the person that wears masks around, i have seen too much, and i really hate such people... i find her true to herself, she is what she is, no masks, i find her honest to her feelings and what she do... she does not have the "ok, see it on the account that we are friends...etc" she is true to her feelings and her decision, something you don't see alot in girls... whatever she likes, she likes, whatever she hates, she hates... whether this is a good thing or not, i am really impressed by her... at least someone makes the effort to be true to themselves... thats why i find her so attractive, cos she is different...

i have seen too much and heard too much, i just cannot understand why people wear masks around... is there a need for it? perhaps thats why i seem to be so unpopular... i mean, if i don't like you, i don't, you might think i am finding excuses, a loner, someone whom just wanna go home and study, perhaps you guys gotta look at yourself sometimes... i just don't wanna be caught in the middle of something, a crisis, then my mask fall, i want to be what i am, to be true to myself, and the people around me... i want someone to see me as i am, not someone they THOUGHT they knew... so what if i am predictable? so expected? that is how i am, and that is how i will remain...

i am really not kidding when i say that i will not get married if i don't find the right gal... its just that, i have seen too much, how people changed after something happen-a crisis, and things just to break down,their mask just fall apart, the person they thought they know is not that person...

this may means less friends for myself, but at least my friends know how i am like, and how i will be, and such friends matters most...

thats is one thing i see in her... being true to oneself... selfish? self centered? rather...
对得起自己

then again, i maybe wrong...

sometimes, its really not about being emo, thinking too much, but its more about not falling into the trap... hope you guys understand what i am trying to say...

then again, i guess i seriously have a social problem... i have to many male friends... its not a bad thing, but i feel, kinda reflects badly for a person right? i mean, its not that i am sexist... but girls are just different... its not the kind where you can talk anything and everything with them... they are just different... and seriously, i still find it quite hard to talk or communicate with them... it feels very unnatural... unlike guys... i guess i am crazy...

picked up this real cool band... until june... and its song... wow...



perhaps i should tell how i feel... be a man to accept the answer, and move on...

shin ee, please don't stress yourself too much, nightmares occur because you are too stressed... so, please, chill... you tell me to chill, and you never chill... LOL... rock on...

rock on peeps, while i finish my bombing raid on a soviet convoy in a A-10 warthog and land in one piece...


peace to LOMAC...

this is gonna be a very long post... i got many things to say... you are warned...

lets talk about today...

maths paper was... rather better than paper 1... but still... its bad... its another U grade... so is chemistry... i got 2 U grades for midyears already... great... for a JC 2 student about to take his A levels this year... oh well... i cannot give up right? gotta continue to learn from my mistakes... for the rest of my papers? oh well... lets not talk about it ok?

papers aside, went with bryan, cheong wei and han rong for brunch after paper... like always, we will be there, wondering what and where to have our lunch... we ended up having KFC... kenneth's fried chicken... i tell myself that i will only eat, AT MOST in a month, 1 time, and 1 time only, in a fast food restaurant (to call it a restaurant is an overstatement)... here am i, having eaten at a fast food restaurant the fifth time this month... i am growing fat... seriously... how am i going to retake my NAFA? argh...

i must say, this bunch of people, are one of the most random and eccentric people you will ever come across... lol, but they are just real cool people... their jokes are seriously "deep" and difficult to understand sometimes, and of course, their randomness is kinda extreme, but all in all, they are a really fun bunch of people to hang out with... we talked about everything... class, to girls, to HR'S AFFAIR... walau, hr, can you pls don't be like that? cheong wei will be very sad you know... LOL... oh well... went home after that...

i stoned the whole afternoon staring at my laptop's screen... i was pretty lost... like theres nothing to do (in fact, there are MANY things to do) i just stoned, and looked at her... just thinking... and thinking... and thinking...

read my dairy... the day before i entered in to SRJC...

"tomorrow is the day that i will step into the new school... there are so many things that i am looking forward to, especially, girls... to be honest, its not about looks, or other things, but rather, how are they actually like... 10 years in a boys school, i am really scared, i dunno what to do, perhaps it maybe good, perhaps it maybe bad... oh well... anyway, gotta keep my dream alive... still waiting for the SYFC reply for anything... hopefully i can get through... but, i must remind myself, no BGR, no girls in my life... i will work hard for my dream... RSAF.... "


and now i am here, thinking about her...

while running today, i was really thinking to myself... why am i trying to act as if nothing has happened? why do i WEAR A MASK, like as if i dun care about anything... why do i have to cheat myself... what ever happened to being true to myself and the people around me? why do i masquerade like i am not feeling anything? i am really into her... freak... i dreamt of her yesterday... so what if i "try" to hide my feelings... i can't even do it... told myself to forget about her, at least try... i managed to not think about her for a few days... and here i am dreaming about her...

why should i be this way? i gotta be true to myself and not wear a mask as if i am not affected by it... i really am and theres no point hiding anything or trying to be strong... i like her, thats it, period, full stop, the end... how she wants to respond to that... is her choice, i can't force her... but at least, i have to be true to myself...

i for now... (i maybe in the lovey dovey period) but i don't think she is what people say she is... perhaps theres another side to her? i am realy curious, i really want to know her more... she is just so... mysterious... then again... everything, theres give or take...

learnt in SAS that singleness is a gift... and besides, being in a relationship should be about glorifying God... will being with her actually do that?

i am more concerned (i know i am thinking too much) but, what can i actually offer to her? i do not know her well enough at all... its like... if, IF we actually get along... i guess it will be a stalemate... you know, like silence... after all, i am not the person whom always goes out, i don't hang out at different places, i am not the person thats good with words, i am not even the person people would look to for a talk... (i wonder what kind of friend am i... just another person when theres nobody around? sometimes, i do feel like a secondhand friend, if you know what i am talking... its just that... yea... sometimes, the way people treat me... is like when theres no one there, i am like the "last resort"...) i dun think i am the active type, let alone be the funny, approachable, friendly, sociable type... all i need is some space, music and my guitar... i can just survive like that... will anyone like a person like me? perhaps that why i have so little friends in school?

but then, shes different, she the kind of girl that i always have in mind... you know, they way she present herself, the way she talk, the way she does her stuff, and of course, the activities she take part in... GOODNESS... she is the ideal... but then, you can't get what you want... how?

besides, theres more to a relationship, will i be the boy that her parents will like? will i be the person that her friends would like? would i blend into her lifestyle? would i be someone she will be proud of? can i be accepted by her? will my parents like her? will people look at us and say that "hey, they are just one perfect match", will things work out?

sometimes, i just wonder if i will end up like my dad... sometimes, i just feel that she treats my mom pretty unfairly... mom complains about him... and its not a good sign... after all, he is a man, and he should be a man... but things just don't work out... i do not want to be like him... i want to be a person that is trust worthy, a person that my wife can count on, a father that my child will respect and idolise, a friend that people can trust... i want to be the right person... then again, we are human, we all have flaws...

its not that i am desperate, or i am like a trend follower... but its just that, i realised, even for a time like now, seems as though everyone is wearing masks around... one time they could be like that, the other time, they could just change... its really borthering me... i really wonder if i am like that... a person that wears masks... that is why i want to be frank with my emotions, my feelings, and the way i feel about things, i am really sorry if some of you guys think that i am too striaght forward... but i just do not want to be the person that wears masks around, i have seen too much, and i really hate such people... i find her true to herself, she is what she is, no masks, i find her honest to her feelings and what she do... she does not have the "ok, see it on the account that we are friends...etc" she is true to her feelings and her decision, something you don't see alot in girls... whatever she likes, she likes, whatever she hates, she hates... whether this is a good thing or not, i am really impressed by her... at least someone makes the effort to be true to themselves... thats why i find her so attractive, cos she is different...

i have seen too much and heard too much, i just cannot understand why people wear masks around... is there a need for it? perhaps thats why i seem to be so unpopular... i mean, if i don't like you, i don't, you might think i am finding excuses, a loner, someone whom just wanna go home and study, perhaps you guys gotta look at yourself sometimes... i just don't wanna be caught in the middle of something, a crisis, then my mask fall, i want to be what i am, to be true to myself, and the people around me... i want someone to see me as i am, not someone they THOUGHT they knew... so what if i am predictable? so expected? that is how i am, and that is how i will remain...

i am really not kidding when i say that i will not get married if i don't find the right gal... its just that, i have seen too much, how people changed after something happen-a crisis, and things just to break down,their mask just fall apart, the person they thought they know is not that person...

this may means less friends for myself, but at least my friends know how i am like, and how i will be, and such friends matters most...

thats is one thing i see in her... being true to oneself... selfish? self centered? rather...
对得起自己

then again, i maybe wrong...

sometimes, its really not about being emo, thinking too much, but its more about not falling into the trap... hope you guys understand what i am trying to say...

then again, i guess i seriously have a social problem... i have to many male friends... its not a bad thing, but i feel, kinda reflects badly for a person right? i mean, its not that i am sexist... but girls are just different... its not the kind where you can talk anything and everything with them... they are just different... and seriously, i still find it quite hard to talk or communicate with them... it feels very unnatural... unlike guys... i guess i am crazy...

picked up this real cool band... until june... and its song... wow...



perhaps i should tell how i feel... be a man to accept the answer, and move on...

shin ee, please don't stress yourself too much, nightmares occur because you are too stressed... so, please, chill... you tell me to chill, and you never chill... LOL... rock on...

rock on peeps, while i finish my bombing raid on a soviet convoy in a A-10 warthog and land in one piece...


peace to LOMAC...