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Monday, 1 September 2008 !@#$% 8:15 pm
i am a hypocrite now... i can't believe i did it, but i did... i performed on stage with a person whom has no intentions of performing for teachers but to win... i can't believe it... a person can put up such an act in front of the whole world as if this person really means it... what a joke... and i can't believe i was on stage with this person, and i can't believe i put on a mask in front of the whole world... i just can't believe it... i feel so dirty, so dishonest, so evil, so despicable... i feel like shit... so what if people and the teachers enjoyed the performance... i just feel so dirty, i feel like trash...
i always believe that there is justice in this world... as in, although the world is unfair, there is the element of "just". its like, what goes around, comes around, i believe that... what you do unto others, others will do it unto you... i dunno, but its like being with something taboo... you know, like being associated with something so disgusting, i can't imagine going to school everyday... its just makes me feel so ashamed of myself.
i feel as if i have been cheated, its like always knowing this person is true, this person is your friend... but when this person, suddenly turns into a freak - drops the "mask", showing all the true colours, and by true colours i mean all the negative side- you finally see something you never thought you would see in a person you call a "friend".
so much for treating this person so nice, when this person actually scolds me "fuck" and really mean it.
well, i take partial blame that a person like me, looking the way that i look, you treat me like trash, scold me, do those ridiculous petty stuff on me... i take partial blame that i can only play the guitar so much, i take the blame that i am not as athletic as some people in school, i take the blame that i am not as smart, i take the blame that i am not as capable as some people, and i also take the blame that i am not sociable, i take the blame that i am not handsome, i take the blame that i am not a good person to be a class leader, i take the blame that i am from a boys school, and i take the blame that i do not come from a rich family... but you can't treat me like that...
its amazing how you can treat another person in class with RESPECT and treat a person like me with disrespect... its ok if you talk behind my back, but i just cannot accept this "straight in the fact - you suck crap" in fact, i don't even think i suck at all... cos you know what? i think, you suck so hard, i feel so disgusted that i have actually called you a "friend" for these 1 plus year...
so what if others are more handsome, smarter, more athletic than me? i don't even associate myself with them, i mean, take a good look at yourself man... in every other way, you suck so hard, please don't insult me by comparing me at first... you aren't even better than me... wait, you aren't even close to compare anything with me at all... lay down all your cards... you got nothing to compare with me... NOTHING...
i feel so dirty that i trusted you... in fact, i should have already know, that a person like him would not lie, in fact, when he says that you are a "bitch" i already believed, its just that i keep it to myself... in fact, the way you treat him, sometimes, i just find it overboard... in fact, you should in the first place, practice what you preach...
its because of people like you, i push myself everyday... its because of people like you, i work damn hard, its because of people like you, i tell myself to prove that i am more than you actually see... in fact, i gotta thank people like you, you guys make me see how screwed up this world is, and pushes me more, to beat you people...
in fact, why am i being so kind, i should be using vulgarities now, i should be typing all those mean words out now, insult you till you feel like killing yourself... but hey... i am keeping my cool yo, "gentleman" as you supposed... ha... what a joke... while the world around you struggle to work for the last leg of the race... you are just there living in your own world... come to think of it,
i actually remember you saying you despise people whom are spoilt, living off their parents... in fact, you are actually like them... you are as vain, and as lazy as them... come to think of it, you are worst then them... at least they treat people like me with respect...
AND WHEN I SAY RESPECT, I AM REFERRING TO IT AS BARE, AS SIMPLE, AS BASIC, AS TREATING ME LIKE A PERSON... A FRIEND...
from the way you treat me... you are just as sick as a spoilt brat... in fact, you are so ignorant of yourself... i find you more disgusting then those RJC girls i mentioned...
now i know why your friends treat you this way...
i guess i am lucky... at least i finally know what you are actually like... i am just concerned about those people whom have not seen your true side...
stay away from me... don't degenerate me...
yuck...
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prelims is over... there is more to come... its time to mug again... mug with more vigour... this time will determine if i can be a fighter pilot... i will do my best...
well...
to be honest... beside the disgusting fact that i mentioned above... there's another thing still bugging me...
yup...
its about her...
well... i have spent some time thinking about it... and yes, as i have said before, i will try to keep it down, not to post so much up...
but...
it just keeps me thinking...
why do i just keep thinking about her?
ok, i am gonna be honest...
its all the nice, lovely, fluffy, stuff crap...
then again, i guess its because it has been so long already... i am really asking myself, why am i actually feeling like this...
especially after yesterday's Nike run... when Boys Like Girls played Hero/Heroine... this is what i am going through, but i am really doubtful... is it even worth it to be thinking the way i am thinking now...
its like... falling in love with the girl on tv, like falling in love with a Pin Up... then again, is it even love to begin with... HA, what is love anyway?
i see some of my friends in relationships... then i compare to what i learn in church, what i read in books, what i watch in tv, what i listen to from my music...
its either what i am experiencing now is the real thing, or what i have mentioned above is a lie...
its not possible right?
to begin with, lets not even start with me... some of my friends in a relationship, its always a one way thing... ok, i do not have the experience to comment on something... but ain't it a 2 way thing? i really cannot comprehend...
its such a joke when i teach people to do things for their girlfriends, and i myself can't even dare to do something... perhaps thats why people look down on me i guess...
sometimes, i actually hope that i am somebody she actually wants... somebody of her taste at least... really, like honestly, i hope i could be like that, but theres not changing the fact that i am me... kennethlimjunliang... like it or not, as much as i can change... i will look like that for the very least...
then again...
if i don't try, i will never know right? theres nothing much to lose anyway...
right?
i just hope that i do not fall into the "eyes kenna stamp" thing that people always fall into...
its kinda funny also, to think of it... am i just trying to hard? making things difficult for myself... trying to fit into something that i am not supposed to fit in at all?
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the rest of the class did not really move except me i guess... i think i hit lq on the face... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in your atmosphere
free fallin' some pretty darn good acoustic songs by john mayer... Labels: sleepless tonite again |