its been a while since i last blogged... i have typed this sentence for quite a bit... well... its been about 3 weeks since i last went out with Chole and my sister. i have been thinking alot...


its just that i feel that there is sth wrong about me. there is something really wrong with me... perhaps its the time spent in boys school?
perhaps its just some undiagnosed psychological problem with me... i don't know why but i just feel so shy in front of another girl, worst, its a friend of mine since what? primary 1... and yet i still feel tense with a girl around... its not that i do not trust her or anything, but i just feel pretty insecure when theres a girl around.


some people say that its because that i lack the confidence in my life about myself. its not about being confident about myself or not... but i am just very concerned about how i portray myself in front of a person of the opposite sex. i have grown up being taught that a guy should be a gentleman, somebody that is unselfish, to treat the opposite sex differently. this is what i live by everyday. but it seems that i honestly feel damn insecure in the presence of a female.


i am not saying that i am becoming gay, nor am i saying that Chloe or other females have done something wrong, but i feel that its unfair for me to be like what i am. take for example yesterday, we are supposed to meet at 1pm at Yishun Mrt, then head to my teachers home to see his newborn son. maybe its just me, maybe this is how i work; function as a person, but i expect to see everyone there at 1pm sharp, then head to our teachers home straight away, plus the fact that the present have already been bought, i expect that we can reach there damn fast, the latest we can even reach our teacher's home at 1.30pm. but lo and behold, some people can come at 1.45++pm and can slowly go shop in cold storage buy drink. we left the yishun interchange at 2pm.


ok, so some people say that it is a norm for girls to be late, ok, some people also say girls like to take their own sweet time, ok, i will accept both. but to be late for more than half an hour, plus the fact to take their own sweet time when their late, does it show that they just could not give a damn about other people? does it show that they could not even give a simple thing such as respect for people whom were waiting for them. plus, never even say hi, like as if some of us are non existent, not even a smile...


i am not saying that i am a person that should deserve respect or anything, neither am i demanding that i should be treated like a king. but as a friend, or to the very least a classmate for 2 years, a simple smile won't kill you right? ok, i take it that we are no longer classmates, and that i am not the "nice" guy, then in the end of the day, i ask myself, why the fuck i even be on time, why the fuck i even bother to dress up. what the fuck is wrong with people today? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GROUP OF GIRLS??????!!!!!!!


have i done sth wrong? ok, i maybe the only person to feel this way, but can't you have respect for yourself? Goodness, sometimes, you cannot blame me for being a pessimist towards females, but when you face such people for 2 years straight and they still remain the same, its just damn freaking sad to know that you are non-existent in their opinion, and that you are not even someone they respect as a person. and yet i try so hard to remember all the things that i have learnt, to be a gentleman... why should i even go to that extend of being such a person when people in the first place don't even respect themselves?


how can i then know what, how, when, who, why am i doing is actually right or wrong? have the world become so insincere with everything? have people become so selfish? that this is it? everyman for himself?


what a joke this shit is, especially when it all boils down to the same group of girls. its difficult for me not to ask myself if every girl out there is like that when you have so many girls behaving like this few girls?


ok, i take into consideration that i am not a very sociable person, and that i am being a difficult person to get along with, but i have seen girls out there whom are way better than them. perhaps its ain't my luck to meet such nice people in my life. well, at least i have some.


in less than a week, i will be in Hendon Camp, to be honest, i am very afraid, i am scared... i don't know what is it like to be a Commando. i am not excited, nor am i happy, i am worried... after all, after leaving SAS, and into a non Christian environment in SRJC, life have been hell... i am hoping that i find peace in Hendon Camp, and that by joining the MCF (military christian fellowship), i would be able to survive NS. and hopefully, i may make it to OCS... oh well... do pray for me... i need it.


went out with my cousin yesterday. talked about many things in life... perhaps we belong to this group of people whom i would like to call the "Rejects". even though we have put in effort, things just don't go the way we want just because we cannot be accepted as what we are. being true to yourself and to the people around you is not an easy thing to do... i guess that is why people wear masks... its a much simpler way to "get away".


well...


this is my life i guess...

Labels: that nothings gonna change?

its been a while since i last blogged... i have typed this sentence for quite a bit... well... its been about 3 weeks since i last went out with Chole and my sister. i have been thinking alot...


its just that i feel that there is sth wrong about me. there is something really wrong with me... perhaps its the time spent in boys school?
perhaps its just some undiagnosed psychological problem with me... i don't know why but i just feel so shy in front of another girl, worst, its a friend of mine since what? primary 1... and yet i still feel tense with a girl around... its not that i do not trust her or anything, but i just feel pretty insecure when theres a girl around.


some people say that its because that i lack the confidence in my life about myself. its not about being confident about myself or not... but i am just very concerned about how i portray myself in front of a person of the opposite sex. i have grown up being taught that a guy should be a gentleman, somebody that is unselfish, to treat the opposite sex differently. this is what i live by everyday. but it seems that i honestly feel damn insecure in the presence of a female.


i am not saying that i am becoming gay, nor am i saying that Chloe or other females have done something wrong, but i feel that its unfair for me to be like what i am. take for example yesterday, we are supposed to meet at 1pm at Yishun Mrt, then head to my teachers home to see his newborn son. maybe its just me, maybe this is how i work; function as a person, but i expect to see everyone there at 1pm sharp, then head to our teachers home straight away, plus the fact that the present have already been bought, i expect that we can reach there damn fast, the latest we can even reach our teacher's home at 1.30pm. but lo and behold, some people can come at 1.45++pm and can slowly go shop in cold storage buy drink. we left the yishun interchange at 2pm.


ok, so some people say that it is a norm for girls to be late, ok, some people also say girls like to take their own sweet time, ok, i will accept both. but to be late for more than half an hour, plus the fact to take their own sweet time when their late, does it show that they just could not give a damn about other people? does it show that they could not even give a simple thing such as respect for people whom were waiting for them. plus, never even say hi, like as if some of us are non existent, not even a smile...


i am not saying that i am a person that should deserve respect or anything, neither am i demanding that i should be treated like a king. but as a friend, or to the very least a classmate for 2 years, a simple smile won't kill you right? ok, i take it that we are no longer classmates, and that i am not the "nice" guy, then in the end of the day, i ask myself, why the fuck i even be on time, why the fuck i even bother to dress up. what the fuck is wrong with people today? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GROUP OF GIRLS??????!!!!!!!


have i done sth wrong? ok, i maybe the only person to feel this way, but can't you have respect for yourself? Goodness, sometimes, you cannot blame me for being a pessimist towards females, but when you face such people for 2 years straight and they still remain the same, its just damn freaking sad to know that you are non-existent in their opinion, and that you are not even someone they respect as a person. and yet i try so hard to remember all the things that i have learnt, to be a gentleman... why should i even go to that extend of being such a person when people in the first place don't even respect themselves?


how can i then know what, how, when, who, why am i doing is actually right or wrong? have the world become so insincere with everything? have people become so selfish? that this is it? everyman for himself?


what a joke this shit is, especially when it all boils down to the same group of girls. its difficult for me not to ask myself if every girl out there is like that when you have so many girls behaving like this few girls?


ok, i take into consideration that i am not a very sociable person, and that i am being a difficult person to get along with, but i have seen girls out there whom are way better than them. perhaps its ain't my luck to meet such nice people in my life. well, at least i have some.


in less than a week, i will be in Hendon Camp, to be honest, i am very afraid, i am scared... i don't know what is it like to be a Commando. i am not excited, nor am i happy, i am worried... after all, after leaving SAS, and into a non Christian environment in SRJC, life have been hell... i am hoping that i find peace in Hendon Camp, and that by joining the MCF (military christian fellowship), i would be able to survive NS. and hopefully, i may make it to OCS... oh well... do pray for me... i need it.


went out with my cousin yesterday. talked about many things in life... perhaps we belong to this group of people whom i would like to call the "Rejects". even though we have put in effort, things just don't go the way we want just because we cannot be accepted as what we are. being true to yourself and to the people around you is not an easy thing to do... i guess that is why people wear masks... its a much simpler way to "get away".


well...


this is my life i guess...

Labels: that nothings gonna change?