its been a long time since i last blog'ed... the A levels are over... i have mixed feelings about it... but it seems as though i will get the same results i got for prelims... i am expecting 4 U's... well... looking for available courses i can take up in poly... i am thinking of aerospace engineering... anybody has any insights? will appreciate if you can provide me with some info about aerospace engineering...


well... i am basically wasting my time now... just exercising daily to prepare myself for army... its will be 2 years before i enter poly... to think of it, i think i have wasted 2 years of my life... i have no idea what its gonna be like to be in poly... well... its kinda hard to swallow, especially in this time period now when i know i am going to fail my A levels... i have no idea how to tell my parents that i have tried my best... things just don't add up for me... i work hard, i put in the effort, i did my part... but my results are still... like crap... some people tell me SIM... my parents can't support me... how? its like a waiting game... it sucks... seriously...


its been a few weeks since the last paper... prom night is around the corner... i was running with stefanus yesterday to boon keng when he asked if i was going for my school's prom... i told him about the class, and that all the girls are not going... so... whats the point when only 8 guys from the class are going for prom... he was kinda shocked when he heard that... i was not surprised... he said that this was pretty weird, and did not expect such a thing would happen... well... i told him if i could turn back time, he should spent a day in our class... to think of it... its kinda weird to spent 2 years with a group of people and have very minimum communication between each other...


well.. its over... so much for my expectations... i thought that life in a mixed school would be better than SAS... i guess i was wrong... maybe because i am not used to the "ways" to approach and socialise with the opposite sex, but it seems as though my friends in school are all guys... lol... its like as if i am a sexist... well... its kinda embarrassing to admit that i myself have always imagined about the girl of my dreams, spending time in school, taking the same bus together... you know, the "perfect school life"... well, perhaps its either i have watched too much shows and anime, or maybe its never attainable, but one thing for sure, its never gonna happen for me... well...


now that i am no longer a student, i am beginning to worry about many other things... i am going to be slower than the rest of my peers by 2 years, maybe 3 years... things are gonna change for me, i may have to work part time and study part time after NS... things will become tough for me... while people are having a great time in the university, i will be in poly, studying, to say that poly life is slack, would be a lie, after all, only the top 10% are eligible for the university... then, what if after my poly, i don't make it to the local university? what am i going to do then? how am i going to survive in the singapore society?


well... pardon me, but i would like to complain... life is really unfair to me... though 90% of this is caused by my decision... but life have been pretty unfair not to give me the remaining 10%... all i am asking is for a nice and fulfilling time as a student... and what i get in the end, is far from it... well... life is unfair... you never get what you want...


besides sitting here, waiting for the worst... my dreams... its gone... shattered now... how is the airforce gonna accept a person whom is gonna fail his A levels? what am i gonna do? my dream, my passion that have driven me... its just gone like that... all that i have dreamt about, wished, expected, all gone... and i have to go through the suffering to see it just slip away from me... how nice...


yea, i know, some of you people are just gonna read this and say, "kenneth, is emo"... perhaps try to put yourself in my shoes? for 4 years, you are working hard, and expecting for something you thought was gonna be great, for 2 years, you went through hell, your expectations seems to become lie (and it only applies to me), people whom are in the same situation as you are having the time of your life while you are just suffering... your dreams are all shattered, even though you worked your ass for it... perhaps life is unfair to me?


maybe i am trying too hard... maybe i am not fit to be successful, maybe this is just not my life... i really don't know... but this agony... to know that my friends are gonna do well and move on to university while i be left behind, is not a nice thing to think about...


am i asking too much? Action-Reaction, Cause-Effect... i paid the price... but i do not get what i deserve... nice...


its kinda difficult to accept the situation that i am entering... well...


went out with the NCC guys yesterday... i had a really good time... we talked alot, talked about life, about past experiences... one thing that really struck me was when timothy asked me about liking another person... someone to talk to, someone special, someone you actually have feelings for... maybe because of past experiences, for me, i am kinda numb to such feelings... it has become something unreal and unattainable for a person like me... its like, i never wanna think of something like this again... its just gonna be worst... i try to ignore it the best i could... i know its not gonna help, but its the best i can do now...


i remember one experience, when i put in so much, and yet, was played like a fool... the other never felt anything, neither did she say anything... its weird how girls can tear your guts out and still wanna be friends... well... life is unfair...


perhaps i should stop complaining, and just thank God for everything i have? well...
for now, my life is in a mess...

it seems like the more i want something, the more i don't get it... well...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...

tomorrow's the new term of school... this means results... doubt i will do well for prelims... oh well... just work hard right?

i am going mad now... theres still so many things i do not understand... been doing maths... its very difficult when you try and try, but still can't get answers... i should be doing maths with ease now... but?... theres still so much i need to cover...

and chemistry... i still know nothing about it... well... i am so screwed...

i miss my friends... i miss people from SA... i miss people from NCC... darn... i need to see them... after all, it was then that we never had to fake our lives... we like who we were, we are what we were, and we accepted it... well...

perhaps i am too stressed up, perhaps i am really going mad, but i feel that i have an undiagnosed mental illness... like i am mad but theres nothing to prove it... perhaps when i admit myself to IMH, i will realise just how crazy i am...

after all the drama you guys have read... i really wonder what kind of person i have become... is being honest to myself a good thing after all? my values, are they valid to begin with in the first place? is it a must to carry on with life with "masks" on? am i becoming the "outcast"? am i being unreasonable? is this really what lies ahead for me? a place where even your friends wear masks?

one thing for sure, wearing a "mask" will only make you tired, and when your "mask" falls, things will go real bad...

then again, i wonder, why am i being so honest with myself? why do i do such a thing? why do i live my life like that?

well, perhaps i don't see myself a person that wants the whole world to know me... all i want is people to accept me as i am, and what i am... and i want people to do the same... i know that i am not as good as others, and theres no need to be in some clique for me to "survive" in school... you like me? fine, you hate me? fine, i don't care...

then again, a person like me is a dangerous person... theres this problem of being "myself" i see the world differently, and with such a perspective of life, i sometimes become a very difficult person to be with... i live my life to what i deem fit, and in the process, i neglect the need about others, i.e. i do things that benefit myself, and not others... to summarise, i am a selfish person... as much as i try to be nice to do things for others, theres always this thing that comes out... "why am i being so nice? why am i helping people when i can't help myself..."

then everything starts to contradict myself, my values, and everything i believed in... then again, from what i have learnt, what i took so long just to realise how immature i am... this is a dog eat dog world, like "the lord of the flies" and "battle royale" the world is so cruel... only the toughest survive... i sometimes think, if my jc class now were to undergo a "Battle royale" session, who will really survive...

this really bothers me... does it mean that i would not people to count on in the future? does it mean that people will just stab me in the back? how am i going to survive in the future? am i going to be judged because of how i look?

well, perhaps its even more important to be true to myself... so what if the world is against me? perhaps the problem does not lie with me, it lies with the world...

then again, me against the world?

HA... oh well...

i am weird, and have to accept it right?

is it good to think so much?

perhaps after this ordeal... the A levels, i will be better...

then again, who will really look at a person whom is honest...

with that even mentioned, how am i honest? who gives me the right to say that i am honest?

see, i contradict myself again...

i think i have "contradict-iatrous" a mental illness in which patients contradict themselves constantly...

"what your name?"

"kenneth... erm, no, erm, jun liang, erm no, erm... lim, erm... jun, erm... name? what name? erm... dick? tom? whats my name again? erm... "

then...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...

alright...

yea...

erm...

yah...

ok...

er...

well...

went to see an optician on sunday... yesterday... my specs got totally screwed... i am on scotch tape now, to hold the frame in place... look like a super nerd... you know, nerd...

the optician says my eye sight is getting from bad... to worst... 275 for each eye now, damn... increased by 100 degrees since i last saw him last year... ok... he says too much time in front of the computer, and maybe studying... LOL... the former is more precise... he says its bound o get worst if i do not take care of it... he says i gotta wear specs now, like permanently... that means everywhere i go... and thats really, really bad... cos i look like a punching bag... its just my face i think... it already look like... "@(@$(($*@_)" with the specs on... i guess i will look like an asshole... ha... alright... no choice... gotta protect those eyes of mine... if not... theres no need to even think about RSAF... so yea... be prepared to see the asshole...

i have been running lately, or you can say jogging... 30 rounds every alternate days... thats a good 1 hr 30 mins all spent at toa payoh stadium... my ankles are giving me a hard time... it hurts, then stings when i hit 15 rounds... i can't run straight... hurts real bad... but still... for the sake of slimming down... gotta do it...

went to church with my parents yesterday... during service, there's this part where you go around shaking hands with other people, you know, like say hello, plus "God bless you" etc... then i turned to mom... raised my hands up... she looked at me... with the "cold blank stare"

"i am your mom you know... you ought to give me a hug... not a hand shake..." i looked at her... puzzled... "you are just like your dad... sometimes, you gotta show love... not just say... and show it appropriately... i worry for you... don't forget i will leave you one day... and it maybe too late to show me love..."

i remained silent the whole service... the pastors words kinda became irrelevant (i am being honest)

that has certainly got me thinking again... wonder how am i gonna treat my wife next time... (if i, by any chance, would get married). will i be like my father? so cold? i keep telling myself not to be like him, but i seem to feel that i am becoming like him... i gotta chance... be a better person than he is... i am not saying that my dad is lousy or anything, but sometimes, perhaps dad's just... cool... too cool... like a cucumber in the freezer... but he's changed... but theres still more that he can do... and i won't wanna be like him... gotta be a better father, a better husband, and even a better son...

honestly, it did not occur to me that i should show more love to my parents... especially this year, everything is all about tuition, about school, about me, myself and i... i certainly become really selfish when it comes to this stage of my life... everything seems to be about me... theres more to life than just studying... after all... the things that me and my mom had gone through, i doubt you guys would even understand... those were the painful times... things have become better, and i should be more appreciative of my parents, especially mom... oh well...

marcus sng... my sous chef, my partner in crime, my buddy, my lover, my guitar man, my friend, my love... God bless this dude... just ask how bad we treated Bean... lol... the man that used the word "deh" like nobody's business... this man... is one man... that i have loved to hate... LOL...

marcus sng, being some sort of a counter part like me... hecks about homework, could not give 2 hoots about lessons, always looking for something to do, something that will cause harm, and sometimes even death of someone... i remember the times we brought our guitars and just played behind class... the times we spent playing soccer, and even the times we just did nothing and just crapped about everything and anything... the rivalry we had in every fifa... always losing to his italy... (bastard)... the zinc ribbons we stole in chem lab, the times we tried to burn eevann with lighted splints... the times we would talk about girls... and the best of all, music... he was the supplier, and we would just sing in class, talk about music... and yea... the guy that will gladly
allow you to cut queue during recess, the guy that laugh's so contagious... you can't stop when he starts...

well, i guess we all change... but somethings still does not change... especially when it comes to emotions...

oh well... marcus... perhaps we should meet up sometime... bring along some beer, some ice, some cocaine, pills, marijuana, heroin... and lets just do all it takes to relive us from the pain... lol...

you know, sometimes, its just signs that tell you something... some signs are just so obvious, while some are just so subtle... that one does not realise it at all... i personally feel, that i have done it all wrong, my worst nightmare just happened... things did not turn out the way that i thought it should... while marcus could still do sth to change the girl's mind... i need to cover up the tracks, to clean up the dirt... take out the trash... i personally feel, and strongly belief that the words that i myself have typed here over the past month has been the trap... or shall i say, the cause of all the problem? perhaps i was wrong about myself, thinking that no one would read this blog...

totally forgotten about controlling my emotions... i was warned, and yet i could not contain myself, self control was not practiced, and i let my emotions take the better of me... perhaps i am still looking for someone to talk to, perhaps theres no one to listen to me, perhaps i am just crazy... anyway... i guess i just ruin all the chances i had (if i had any)

maybe this is a double edged sword... perhaps i am the cause of all this... but yea... things aren't going the way i supposed will go...

after all, is it wrong to have feelings for somebody? for my case, its yes... its definitely wrong for a person like me to like another... especially so when i have the gut feeling that i am pretty much the under average guy... though many people try to be nice and say otherwise... perhaps thats why she seems to avoid me...

i am not looking down on myself, its just that i am really... well... nothing... so much for having such a big dream when all my actions does not reflect the person i want to be... my results suck, i look like a train wreck, i got poor public/human relationships, i am not popular... neither am i anything worthy to be praised about...

lets be honest here... i am crazy about her, i go nuts about her... i try to be brave, but i still fail... i don't know how to "show" how i feel... i know its not the time to be thinking of such things now especially so when i have the A levels... but its just that... argh... what can i say?

i guess i have fallen in love with her...

oh well... no point saying things are just so one sided...

sometimes, i really wonder when i will pick up the courage to talk to her... its not as if i have not done it before... then again... after what mom have said... i guess theres more to than just words... my actions would also play a big part... will it break me? will it solve the problem...

well... it all depends on what she will say right?

i know i sound like a desperate asshole plus a mama's boy... but well... sometimes... you never know whats gonna happen tomorrow...

maybe she will change my mind... as for now... i feel kinda lousy about myself...

then again... perhaps being friends would be better...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...

its been a long time since i last blog'ed... the A levels are over... i have mixed feelings about it... but it seems as though i will get the same results i got for prelims... i am expecting 4 U's... well... looking for available courses i can take up in poly... i am thinking of aerospace engineering... anybody has any insights? will appreciate if you can provide me with some info about aerospace engineering...


well... i am basically wasting my time now... just exercising daily to prepare myself for army... its will be 2 years before i enter poly... to think of it, i think i have wasted 2 years of my life... i have no idea what its gonna be like to be in poly... well... its kinda hard to swallow, especially in this time period now when i know i am going to fail my A levels... i have no idea how to tell my parents that i have tried my best... things just don't add up for me... i work hard, i put in the effort, i did my part... but my results are still... like crap... some people tell me SIM... my parents can't support me... how? its like a waiting game... it sucks... seriously...


its been a few weeks since the last paper... prom night is around the corner... i was running with stefanus yesterday to boon keng when he asked if i was going for my school's prom... i told him about the class, and that all the girls are not going... so... whats the point when only 8 guys from the class are going for prom... he was kinda shocked when he heard that... i was not surprised... he said that this was pretty weird, and did not expect such a thing would happen... well... i told him if i could turn back time, he should spent a day in our class... to think of it... its kinda weird to spent 2 years with a group of people and have very minimum communication between each other...


well.. its over... so much for my expectations... i thought that life in a mixed school would be better than SAS... i guess i was wrong... maybe because i am not used to the "ways" to approach and socialise with the opposite sex, but it seems as though my friends in school are all guys... lol... its like as if i am a sexist... well... its kinda embarrassing to admit that i myself have always imagined about the girl of my dreams, spending time in school, taking the same bus together... you know, the "perfect school life"... well, perhaps its either i have watched too much shows and anime, or maybe its never attainable, but one thing for sure, its never gonna happen for me... well...


now that i am no longer a student, i am beginning to worry about many other things... i am going to be slower than the rest of my peers by 2 years, maybe 3 years... things are gonna change for me, i may have to work part time and study part time after NS... things will become tough for me... while people are having a great time in the university, i will be in poly, studying, to say that poly life is slack, would be a lie, after all, only the top 10% are eligible for the university... then, what if after my poly, i don't make it to the local university? what am i going to do then? how am i going to survive in the singapore society?


well... pardon me, but i would like to complain... life is really unfair to me... though 90% of this is caused by my decision... but life have been pretty unfair not to give me the remaining 10%... all i am asking is for a nice and fulfilling time as a student... and what i get in the end, is far from it... well... life is unfair... you never get what you want...


besides sitting here, waiting for the worst... my dreams... its gone... shattered now... how is the airforce gonna accept a person whom is gonna fail his A levels? what am i gonna do? my dream, my passion that have driven me... its just gone like that... all that i have dreamt about, wished, expected, all gone... and i have to go through the suffering to see it just slip away from me... how nice...


yea, i know, some of you people are just gonna read this and say, "kenneth, is emo"... perhaps try to put yourself in my shoes? for 4 years, you are working hard, and expecting for something you thought was gonna be great, for 2 years, you went through hell, your expectations seems to become lie (and it only applies to me), people whom are in the same situation as you are having the time of your life while you are just suffering... your dreams are all shattered, even though you worked your ass for it... perhaps life is unfair to me?


maybe i am trying too hard... maybe i am not fit to be successful, maybe this is just not my life... i really don't know... but this agony... to know that my friends are gonna do well and move on to university while i be left behind, is not a nice thing to think about...


am i asking too much? Action-Reaction, Cause-Effect... i paid the price... but i do not get what i deserve... nice...


its kinda difficult to accept the situation that i am entering... well...


went out with the NCC guys yesterday... i had a really good time... we talked alot, talked about life, about past experiences... one thing that really struck me was when timothy asked me about liking another person... someone to talk to, someone special, someone you actually have feelings for... maybe because of past experiences, for me, i am kinda numb to such feelings... it has become something unreal and unattainable for a person like me... its like, i never wanna think of something like this again... its just gonna be worst... i try to ignore it the best i could... i know its not gonna help, but its the best i can do now...


i remember one experience, when i put in so much, and yet, was played like a fool... the other never felt anything, neither did she say anything... its weird how girls can tear your guts out and still wanna be friends... well... life is unfair...


perhaps i should stop complaining, and just thank God for everything i have? well...
for now, my life is in a mess...

it seems like the more i want something, the more i don't get it... well...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...

tomorrow's the new term of school... this means results... doubt i will do well for prelims... oh well... just work hard right?

i am going mad now... theres still so many things i do not understand... been doing maths... its very difficult when you try and try, but still can't get answers... i should be doing maths with ease now... but?... theres still so much i need to cover...

and chemistry... i still know nothing about it... well... i am so screwed...

i miss my friends... i miss people from SA... i miss people from NCC... darn... i need to see them... after all, it was then that we never had to fake our lives... we like who we were, we are what we were, and we accepted it... well...

perhaps i am too stressed up, perhaps i am really going mad, but i feel that i have an undiagnosed mental illness... like i am mad but theres nothing to prove it... perhaps when i admit myself to IMH, i will realise just how crazy i am...

after all the drama you guys have read... i really wonder what kind of person i have become... is being honest to myself a good thing after all? my values, are they valid to begin with in the first place? is it a must to carry on with life with "masks" on? am i becoming the "outcast"? am i being unreasonable? is this really what lies ahead for me? a place where even your friends wear masks?

one thing for sure, wearing a "mask" will only make you tired, and when your "mask" falls, things will go real bad...

then again, i wonder, why am i being so honest with myself? why do i do such a thing? why do i live my life like that?

well, perhaps i don't see myself a person that wants the whole world to know me... all i want is people to accept me as i am, and what i am... and i want people to do the same... i know that i am not as good as others, and theres no need to be in some clique for me to "survive" in school... you like me? fine, you hate me? fine, i don't care...

then again, a person like me is a dangerous person... theres this problem of being "myself" i see the world differently, and with such a perspective of life, i sometimes become a very difficult person to be with... i live my life to what i deem fit, and in the process, i neglect the need about others, i.e. i do things that benefit myself, and not others... to summarise, i am a selfish person... as much as i try to be nice to do things for others, theres always this thing that comes out... "why am i being so nice? why am i helping people when i can't help myself..."

then everything starts to contradict myself, my values, and everything i believed in... then again, from what i have learnt, what i took so long just to realise how immature i am... this is a dog eat dog world, like "the lord of the flies" and "battle royale" the world is so cruel... only the toughest survive... i sometimes think, if my jc class now were to undergo a "Battle royale" session, who will really survive...

this really bothers me... does it mean that i would not people to count on in the future? does it mean that people will just stab me in the back? how am i going to survive in the future? am i going to be judged because of how i look?

well, perhaps its even more important to be true to myself... so what if the world is against me? perhaps the problem does not lie with me, it lies with the world...

then again, me against the world?

HA... oh well...

i am weird, and have to accept it right?

is it good to think so much?

perhaps after this ordeal... the A levels, i will be better...

then again, who will really look at a person whom is honest...

with that even mentioned, how am i honest? who gives me the right to say that i am honest?

see, i contradict myself again...

i think i have "contradict-iatrous" a mental illness in which patients contradict themselves constantly...

"what your name?"

"kenneth... erm, no, erm, jun liang, erm no, erm... lim, erm... jun, erm... name? what name? erm... dick? tom? whats my name again? erm... "

then...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...

alright...

yea...

erm...

yah...

ok...

er...

well...

went to see an optician on sunday... yesterday... my specs got totally screwed... i am on scotch tape now, to hold the frame in place... look like a super nerd... you know, nerd...

the optician says my eye sight is getting from bad... to worst... 275 for each eye now, damn... increased by 100 degrees since i last saw him last year... ok... he says too much time in front of the computer, and maybe studying... LOL... the former is more precise... he says its bound o get worst if i do not take care of it... he says i gotta wear specs now, like permanently... that means everywhere i go... and thats really, really bad... cos i look like a punching bag... its just my face i think... it already look like... "@(@$(($*@_)" with the specs on... i guess i will look like an asshole... ha... alright... no choice... gotta protect those eyes of mine... if not... theres no need to even think about RSAF... so yea... be prepared to see the asshole...

i have been running lately, or you can say jogging... 30 rounds every alternate days... thats a good 1 hr 30 mins all spent at toa payoh stadium... my ankles are giving me a hard time... it hurts, then stings when i hit 15 rounds... i can't run straight... hurts real bad... but still... for the sake of slimming down... gotta do it...

went to church with my parents yesterday... during service, there's this part where you go around shaking hands with other people, you know, like say hello, plus "God bless you" etc... then i turned to mom... raised my hands up... she looked at me... with the "cold blank stare"

"i am your mom you know... you ought to give me a hug... not a hand shake..." i looked at her... puzzled... "you are just like your dad... sometimes, you gotta show love... not just say... and show it appropriately... i worry for you... don't forget i will leave you one day... and it maybe too late to show me love..."

i remained silent the whole service... the pastors words kinda became irrelevant (i am being honest)

that has certainly got me thinking again... wonder how am i gonna treat my wife next time... (if i, by any chance, would get married). will i be like my father? so cold? i keep telling myself not to be like him, but i seem to feel that i am becoming like him... i gotta chance... be a better person than he is... i am not saying that my dad is lousy or anything, but sometimes, perhaps dad's just... cool... too cool... like a cucumber in the freezer... but he's changed... but theres still more that he can do... and i won't wanna be like him... gotta be a better father, a better husband, and even a better son...

honestly, it did not occur to me that i should show more love to my parents... especially this year, everything is all about tuition, about school, about me, myself and i... i certainly become really selfish when it comes to this stage of my life... everything seems to be about me... theres more to life than just studying... after all... the things that me and my mom had gone through, i doubt you guys would even understand... those were the painful times... things have become better, and i should be more appreciative of my parents, especially mom... oh well...

marcus sng... my sous chef, my partner in crime, my buddy, my lover, my guitar man, my friend, my love... God bless this dude... just ask how bad we treated Bean... lol... the man that used the word "deh" like nobody's business... this man... is one man... that i have loved to hate... LOL...

marcus sng, being some sort of a counter part like me... hecks about homework, could not give 2 hoots about lessons, always looking for something to do, something that will cause harm, and sometimes even death of someone... i remember the times we brought our guitars and just played behind class... the times we spent playing soccer, and even the times we just did nothing and just crapped about everything and anything... the rivalry we had in every fifa... always losing to his italy... (bastard)... the zinc ribbons we stole in chem lab, the times we tried to burn eevann with lighted splints... the times we would talk about girls... and the best of all, music... he was the supplier, and we would just sing in class, talk about music... and yea... the guy that will gladly
allow you to cut queue during recess, the guy that laugh's so contagious... you can't stop when he starts...

well, i guess we all change... but somethings still does not change... especially when it comes to emotions...

oh well... marcus... perhaps we should meet up sometime... bring along some beer, some ice, some cocaine, pills, marijuana, heroin... and lets just do all it takes to relive us from the pain... lol...

you know, sometimes, its just signs that tell you something... some signs are just so obvious, while some are just so subtle... that one does not realise it at all... i personally feel, that i have done it all wrong, my worst nightmare just happened... things did not turn out the way that i thought it should... while marcus could still do sth to change the girl's mind... i need to cover up the tracks, to clean up the dirt... take out the trash... i personally feel, and strongly belief that the words that i myself have typed here over the past month has been the trap... or shall i say, the cause of all the problem? perhaps i was wrong about myself, thinking that no one would read this blog...

totally forgotten about controlling my emotions... i was warned, and yet i could not contain myself, self control was not practiced, and i let my emotions take the better of me... perhaps i am still looking for someone to talk to, perhaps theres no one to listen to me, perhaps i am just crazy... anyway... i guess i just ruin all the chances i had (if i had any)

maybe this is a double edged sword... perhaps i am the cause of all this... but yea... things aren't going the way i supposed will go...

after all, is it wrong to have feelings for somebody? for my case, its yes... its definitely wrong for a person like me to like another... especially so when i have the gut feeling that i am pretty much the under average guy... though many people try to be nice and say otherwise... perhaps thats why she seems to avoid me...

i am not looking down on myself, its just that i am really... well... nothing... so much for having such a big dream when all my actions does not reflect the person i want to be... my results suck, i look like a train wreck, i got poor public/human relationships, i am not popular... neither am i anything worthy to be praised about...

lets be honest here... i am crazy about her, i go nuts about her... i try to be brave, but i still fail... i don't know how to "show" how i feel... i know its not the time to be thinking of such things now especially so when i have the A levels... but its just that... argh... what can i say?

i guess i have fallen in love with her...

oh well... no point saying things are just so one sided...

sometimes, i really wonder when i will pick up the courage to talk to her... its not as if i have not done it before... then again... after what mom have said... i guess theres more to than just words... my actions would also play a big part... will it break me? will it solve the problem...

well... it all depends on what she will say right?

i know i sound like a desperate asshole plus a mama's boy... but well... sometimes... you never know whats gonna happen tomorrow...

maybe she will change my mind... as for now... i feel kinda lousy about myself...

then again... perhaps being friends would be better...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...