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Monday, 9 June 2008 !@#$% 10:28 pm
alright... yea... erm... yah... ok... er... well... went to see an optician on sunday... yesterday... my specs got totally screwed... i am on scotch tape now, to hold the frame in place... look like a super nerd... you know, nerd... the optician says my eye sight is getting from bad... to worst... 275 for each eye now, damn... increased by 100 degrees since i last saw him last year... ok... he says too much time in front of the computer, and maybe studying... LOL... the former is more precise... he says its bound o get worst if i do not take care of it... he says i gotta wear specs now, like permanently... that means everywhere i go... and thats really, really bad... cos i look like a punching bag... its just my face i think... it already look like... "@(@$(($*@_)" with the specs on... i guess i will look like an asshole... ha... alright... no choice... gotta protect those eyes of mine... if not... theres no need to even think about RSAF... so yea... be prepared to see the asshole... i have been running lately, or you can say jogging... 30 rounds every alternate days... thats a good 1 hr 30 mins all spent at toa payoh stadium... my ankles are giving me a hard time... it hurts, then stings when i hit 15 rounds... i can't run straight... hurts real bad... but still... for the sake of slimming down... gotta do it... went to church with my parents yesterday... during service, there's this part where you go around shaking hands with other people, you know, like say hello, plus "God bless you" etc... then i turned to mom... raised my hands up... she looked at me... with the "cold blank stare" "i am your mom you know... you ought to give me a hug... not a hand shake..." i looked at her... puzzled... "you are just like your dad... sometimes, you gotta show love... not just say... and show it appropriately... i worry for you... don't forget i will leave you one day... and it maybe too late to show me love..." i remained silent the whole service... the pastors words kinda became irrelevant (i am being honest) that has certainly got me thinking again... wonder how am i gonna treat my wife next time... (if i, by any chance, would get married). will i be like my father? so cold? i keep telling myself not to be like him, but i seem to feel that i am becoming like him... i gotta chance... be a better person than he is... i am not saying that my dad is lousy or anything, but sometimes, perhaps dad's just... cool... too cool... like a cucumber in the freezer... but he's changed... but theres still more that he can do... and i won't wanna be like him... gotta be a better father, a better husband, and even a better son... honestly, it did not occur to me that i should show more love to my parents... especially this year, everything is all about tuition, about school, about me, myself and i... i certainly become really selfish when it comes to this stage of my life... everything seems to be about me... theres more to life than just studying... after all... the things that me and my mom had gone through, i doubt you guys would even understand... those were the painful times... things have become better, and i should be more appreciative of my parents, especially mom... oh well... marcus sng... my sous chef, my partner in crime, my buddy, my lover, my guitar man, my friend, my love... God bless this dude... just ask how bad we treated Bean... lol... the man that used the word "deh" like nobody's business... this man... is one man... that i have loved to hate... LOL... marcus sng, being some sort of a counter part like me... hecks about homework, could not give 2 hoots about lessons, always looking for something to do, something that will cause harm, and sometimes even death of someone... i remember the times we brought our guitars and just played behind class... the times we spent playing soccer, and even the times we just did nothing and just crapped about everything and anything... the rivalry we had in every fifa... always losing to his italy... (bastard)... the zinc ribbons we stole in chem lab, the times we tried to burn eevann with lighted splints... the times we would talk about girls... and the best of all, music... he was the supplier, and we would just sing in class, talk about music... and yea... the guy that will gladly allow you to cut queue during recess, the guy that laugh's so contagious... you can't stop when he starts... well, i guess we all change... but somethings still does not change... especially when it comes to emotions... oh well... marcus... perhaps we should meet up sometime... bring along some beer, some ice, some cocaine, pills, marijuana, heroin... and lets just do all it takes to relive us from the pain... lol... you know, sometimes, its just signs that tell you something... some signs are just so obvious, while some are just so subtle... that one does not realise it at all... i personally feel, that i have done it all wrong, my worst nightmare just happened... things did not turn out the way that i thought it should... while marcus could still do sth to change the girl's mind... i need to cover up the tracks, to clean up the dirt... take out the trash... i personally feel, and strongly belief that the words that i myself have typed here over the past month has been the trap... or shall i say, the cause of all the problem? perhaps i was wrong about myself, thinking that no one would read this blog... totally forgotten about controlling my emotions... i was warned, and yet i could not contain myself, self control was not practiced, and i let my emotions take the better of me... perhaps i am still looking for someone to talk to, perhaps theres no one to listen to me, perhaps i am just crazy... anyway... i guess i just ruin all the chances i had (if i had any) maybe this is a double edged sword... perhaps i am the cause of all this... but yea... things aren't going the way i supposed will go... after all, is it wrong to have feelings for somebody? for my case, its yes... its definitely wrong for a person like me to like another... especially so when i have the gut feeling that i am pretty much the under average guy... though many people try to be nice and say otherwise... perhaps thats why she seems to avoid me... i am not looking down on myself, its just that i am really... well... nothing... so much for having such a big dream when all my actions does not reflect the person i want to be... my results suck, i look like a train wreck, i got poor public/human relationships, i am not popular... neither am i anything worthy to be praised about... lets be honest here... i am crazy about her, i go nuts about her... i try to be brave, but i still fail... i don't know how to "show" how i feel... i know its not the time to be thinking of such things now especially so when i have the A levels... but its just that... argh... what can i say? i guess i have fallen in love with her... oh well... no point saying things are just so one sided... sometimes, i really wonder when i will pick up the courage to talk to her... its not as if i have not done it before... then again... after what mom have said... i guess theres more to than just words... my actions would also play a big part... will it break me? will it solve the problem... well... it all depends on what she will say right? i know i sound like a desperate asshole plus a mama's boy... but well... sometimes... you never know whats gonna happen tomorrow... maybe she will change my mind... as for now... i feel kinda lousy about myself... then again... perhaps being friends would be better... |