tomorrow's the new term of school... this means results... doubt i will do well for prelims... oh well... just work hard right?

i am going mad now... theres still so many things i do not understand... been doing maths... its very difficult when you try and try, but still can't get answers... i should be doing maths with ease now... but?... theres still so much i need to cover...

and chemistry... i still know nothing about it... well... i am so screwed...

i miss my friends... i miss people from SA... i miss people from NCC... darn... i need to see them... after all, it was then that we never had to fake our lives... we like who we were, we are what we were, and we accepted it... well...

perhaps i am too stressed up, perhaps i am really going mad, but i feel that i have an undiagnosed mental illness... like i am mad but theres nothing to prove it... perhaps when i admit myself to IMH, i will realise just how crazy i am...

after all the drama you guys have read... i really wonder what kind of person i have become... is being honest to myself a good thing after all? my values, are they valid to begin with in the first place? is it a must to carry on with life with "masks" on? am i becoming the "outcast"? am i being unreasonable? is this really what lies ahead for me? a place where even your friends wear masks?

one thing for sure, wearing a "mask" will only make you tired, and when your "mask" falls, things will go real bad...

then again, i wonder, why am i being so honest with myself? why do i do such a thing? why do i live my life like that?

well, perhaps i don't see myself a person that wants the whole world to know me... all i want is people to accept me as i am, and what i am... and i want people to do the same... i know that i am not as good as others, and theres no need to be in some clique for me to "survive" in school... you like me? fine, you hate me? fine, i don't care...

then again, a person like me is a dangerous person... theres this problem of being "myself" i see the world differently, and with such a perspective of life, i sometimes become a very difficult person to be with... i live my life to what i deem fit, and in the process, i neglect the need about others, i.e. i do things that benefit myself, and not others... to summarise, i am a selfish person... as much as i try to be nice to do things for others, theres always this thing that comes out... "why am i being so nice? why am i helping people when i can't help myself..."

then everything starts to contradict myself, my values, and everything i believed in... then again, from what i have learnt, what i took so long just to realise how immature i am... this is a dog eat dog world, like "the lord of the flies" and "battle royale" the world is so cruel... only the toughest survive... i sometimes think, if my jc class now were to undergo a "Battle royale" session, who will really survive...

this really bothers me... does it mean that i would not people to count on in the future? does it mean that people will just stab me in the back? how am i going to survive in the future? am i going to be judged because of how i look?

well, perhaps its even more important to be true to myself... so what if the world is against me? perhaps the problem does not lie with me, it lies with the world...

then again, me against the world?

HA... oh well...

i am weird, and have to accept it right?

is it good to think so much?

perhaps after this ordeal... the A levels, i will be better...

then again, who will really look at a person whom is honest...

with that even mentioned, how am i honest? who gives me the right to say that i am honest?

see, i contradict myself again...

i think i have "contradict-iatrous" a mental illness in which patients contradict themselves constantly...

"what your name?"

"kenneth... erm, no, erm, jun liang, erm no, erm... lim, erm... jun, erm... name? what name? erm... dick? tom? whats my name again? erm... "

then...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...

tomorrow's the new term of school... this means results... doubt i will do well for prelims... oh well... just work hard right?

i am going mad now... theres still so many things i do not understand... been doing maths... its very difficult when you try and try, but still can't get answers... i should be doing maths with ease now... but?... theres still so much i need to cover...

and chemistry... i still know nothing about it... well... i am so screwed...

i miss my friends... i miss people from SA... i miss people from NCC... darn... i need to see them... after all, it was then that we never had to fake our lives... we like who we were, we are what we were, and we accepted it... well...

perhaps i am too stressed up, perhaps i am really going mad, but i feel that i have an undiagnosed mental illness... like i am mad but theres nothing to prove it... perhaps when i admit myself to IMH, i will realise just how crazy i am...

after all the drama you guys have read... i really wonder what kind of person i have become... is being honest to myself a good thing after all? my values, are they valid to begin with in the first place? is it a must to carry on with life with "masks" on? am i becoming the "outcast"? am i being unreasonable? is this really what lies ahead for me? a place where even your friends wear masks?

one thing for sure, wearing a "mask" will only make you tired, and when your "mask" falls, things will go real bad...

then again, i wonder, why am i being so honest with myself? why do i do such a thing? why do i live my life like that?

well, perhaps i don't see myself a person that wants the whole world to know me... all i want is people to accept me as i am, and what i am... and i want people to do the same... i know that i am not as good as others, and theres no need to be in some clique for me to "survive" in school... you like me? fine, you hate me? fine, i don't care...

then again, a person like me is a dangerous person... theres this problem of being "myself" i see the world differently, and with such a perspective of life, i sometimes become a very difficult person to be with... i live my life to what i deem fit, and in the process, i neglect the need about others, i.e. i do things that benefit myself, and not others... to summarise, i am a selfish person... as much as i try to be nice to do things for others, theres always this thing that comes out... "why am i being so nice? why am i helping people when i can't help myself..."

then everything starts to contradict myself, my values, and everything i believed in... then again, from what i have learnt, what i took so long just to realise how immature i am... this is a dog eat dog world, like "the lord of the flies" and "battle royale" the world is so cruel... only the toughest survive... i sometimes think, if my jc class now were to undergo a "Battle royale" session, who will really survive...

this really bothers me... does it mean that i would not people to count on in the future? does it mean that people will just stab me in the back? how am i going to survive in the future? am i going to be judged because of how i look?

well, perhaps its even more important to be true to myself... so what if the world is against me? perhaps the problem does not lie with me, it lies with the world...

then again, me against the world?

HA... oh well...

i am weird, and have to accept it right?

is it good to think so much?

perhaps after this ordeal... the A levels, i will be better...

then again, who will really look at a person whom is honest...

with that even mentioned, how am i honest? who gives me the right to say that i am honest?

see, i contradict myself again...

i think i have "contradict-iatrous" a mental illness in which patients contradict themselves constantly...

"what your name?"

"kenneth... erm, no, erm, jun liang, erm no, erm... lim, erm... jun, erm... name? what name? erm... dick? tom? whats my name again? erm... "

then...

Labels: i am better off this way... i guess...